what I want

 This is the eternal Christmas problem.

My mom asked me what I wanted. What do I want for Christmas? I don't know. It's not a case of being struck dumb in front of Santa like Ralphie Parker was and spluttering out "a....football?" (when he really wanted a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time). 

It's that the things I *really* want right now? You can't buy them in any store.

I would like more of a feeling of peace in the world. Yes, the Assadists are out (and good riddance to a dictatorship that's lasted almost as long as I've been alive, and I got to see statues of a Baathist dictator pulled down for the second time in my adult life) but what comes after him may not be any better. And Ukraine is still under serious threat, and Putin may feel empowered to grab more land. And there are other small-brushfire (at least in how they're reported; they're big conflicts to those living in the middle of them) conflicts around the world. And little peace in my own country between political factions, and a promise of an ugly tit-for-tat in politics in the near future.

I would like to feel more strongly the love of people who do love me. I get that this is very much a "me problem," but I do find more and more, I need to be - as in the good old phrase that I first saw on Tumblr - "loved more loudly" because if i get in a low mood (or even if I haven't eaten nutritious food in too many hours), it's hard for me to believe in love as a possibility. 

And selfishly, yes: I would like some kind of "more exclusive" love, where I'm not a friend-on-the-fringes for someone who has a big family who *understandably* gets priority over me. I would either like to be someone's "main" friend, or, while I'm wishing, his "main squeeze." 

And since I'm rolling through the Advent theme - yes, I need more hope in my life. I need to be able to look at the future and say "good things are coming" and not, as I often feel, "You've already experienced all the good you've been allotted in your lifetime; the future looks gray at best." Even LITTLE things, like us maybe getting some more fun LOCAL places to go and to be without having to drive an hour or more. I FEEL the smallness of my town these days.

And a larger hope for the future - that what are presumably the last years (I can retire in 2029) of my career will be more successful (in terms of research and feeling like I am a good teacher) than the past couple years have been. And that I can find some kind of interesting employment - either paid or volunteer - in my retirement, so I have a reason to get out of bed. (But grinding endlessly at four classes per semester, even if the money is good? That's a younger person's game). 

And a larger hope in the sense that some how we wake up as a society and start striving to be kinder and more considerate of those around us, and make efforts to help those who need - I see homeless people every day now; we don't have a proper facility in town to help them, there seems to be little funding and no will. If I wanted to help, I don't even know where I could show up to volunteer or send money; there was a shelter in the planning stages before the pandemic but that's evaporated. And I'm just one person without training - the best I could do was give money to a trustworthy group with people who DO know, or to do things like help serve up dinners. I can't do career or substance-abuse counseling, I can't figure out how to find housing for people. 

And then, finally: joy. That's probably the first of the four I struggled with; as I've said before I am not a naturally joyful person - too serious, too inclined to take things personally/to see things as evidence of a failing in me. I suspect also not being part of a big regular group affects this; I see friends online who have gaming groups or similar* seem to have the joy of getting together to play DnD or other games. I'm not really good at "playing" any more, and I think I let being very busy at work steal my volition to even do simple things. 

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And yes, I know: like everything, I probably need to ratchet down my expectations. I mean, I would be happy to receive a nice skein of sockyarn. Or a box of some kind of good loose tea. Or maybe another pair of Birkenstocks in one of the couple of styles that work best for my feet. 

But I think one of the curses, if you can call it that, of adulthood where you make enough money to cover your basic needs and some of your wants is that.....there's not really anything tangible you could get as a gift that would give you that over the moon joy of getting a dollhouse when you're eight, or a really detailed train set when you're 10 or 12, or whatever toy you wanted most as a child. I see ads showing adults getting excited over jewelry or cars, but that's not me. 

(Maybe I WOULD get excited over *reliable* logistic assistance in arranging for some further renovations, and things like replacing some of the old lamps I have with better ones. But that's less buying the things than a combination of having a good reliable source for high-quality things that won't break in six months and having someone to help me make the arrangements to, for example, finally get a new dishwasher).