some disconnected thoughts

 This was another very long week, and I need to go in for at least an hour tomorrow - I need to start writing the background for the project I'm working on (provided it ever rains again and I can do my last few sampling periods, not much point in trying to find invertebrates in totally dry surface soil)

* They're apparently rebooting Beanie Babies and at least making a line of them that are styled like the original ones from the 90s. And I looked up a photo online:

As I said on Bluesky, looking at that picture makes me (weirdly) feel a sense of peace. I remember the very first days of these things - I think I still have the hippo that was one of the original ones, that I bought around 1992 or 93, when I was in graduate school. There was a little gift shop (and maybe also florist? They've long since closed...) that was a short walk from campus and some days when I needed to clear my mind I'd walk to the little downtown and go to the gift shop, or to Babbitt's Books, or to The Garlic Press.

No, I don't plan on ordering any but I also admit if I were in a shop and saw that seal (the green and yellow one in the back) or the blue horse, or maybe the blue moose, I might buy it. Just to have, you know. 

(I also remember when people "invested" in these and the big question was to cut off the tags or not. I mostly did and I've probably lost most of them, but then again - these sell on Etsy for not any more (and in some case less) than what you originally would have paid. 

(Then again....the people who bought Tesla stock or those monkey NFTs thought they were getting a good investment)

* I went to the farm store today. This is the store where they have locally raised beef and pork, and some vegetables in season. The beef freezer was empty today (I knew that - they send out weekly e-mails letting people know what they have) but I got a pound of frozen bulk pork sausage (as I remember, I had a casserole recipe - or maybe something like a grits-based dish - that calls for it) and some frozen smoked sausages. (There is a butcher in Muenster, Texas, that specializes in doing pork, including some of the German recipes). And I got some green beans to cook up, maybe to cook lightly and then "pan sear" in the way that Chinese restaurants do them; they're good that way. 

They also advertised they carry a few bulk-type groceries now. It was mainly dry beans and a couple types of flour. I'd love to see them expand to having dairy, and maybe more baked goods (they were out of the artisan bread today)

I dunno. I'm still looking for rat-cage enrichment. That helped, a little. 

* I rewatched "Raya and the Last Dragon" tonight (it was on, had it on mostly in the background). I still cry at the bit before the end....

(Spoiler alert, but I suspect most people who will watch this already have)

The point where each of the characters - each a representative of one portion of the mythical southeast-Asian-flavored country where this takes place* - decides to trust the others, and combine their bit of the gem in the very faint (it seemed) hope of defeating the evil force that has turned most of the population to stone....and in doing so, giving up the protection of their piece, they turn to stone, too. 

I am a sucker for stories of self-sacrifice (I am also a sucker for stories of genuine repentance/redemption). But I noticed something tonight that stopped me and made me cry a little. Each character, as they essentially decided to (possibly) give up their life, walked over and laid a hand (or in one case, hugged the leg of a taller character) on the others. So they wouldn't be alone, I guess.

and that kind of thing, it does get me. 

I mean, yes, it ends happily (it's PG at worst, I think, and I doubt Disney would repeat the mistake they made with something like "The Black Hole" - a movie I was taken to as a kid because "Disney, it has to be fun" and like a lot of kids of my generation, was mildly traumatized by it). But the idea that IN the story, the characters don't know, they have to trust, ,first each other, and then that things will work out right. 

(*yes, I know, some folks didn't love it, and I've heard critiques of the way it was set. But then again - Avatar the Last Airbender was set in a made-up Asian like location, and lots of their stories were in fake European countries)

* And yes, trust. I think we've lost a lot of it in this country. And similarly, we all feel the need to be so guarded. I was thinking earlier today about how a lot of us were mocked when we were younger for showing vulnerabilities (anything from crying in public to expressing that you liked some movie or song that other people thought was "cringe") and I think if you experience that enough, you kind of close off to protect yourself.

And some people, like me, kind of just stop sharing. I've had people tell me that in "person" (or "in real life," whatever you will) it's hard to get to know who I am because I do tend to be kind of closed-mouth about a lot of things. 

Some things - like a relative's recent diagnosis with an autoimmune disorder - I don't reveal because I'm afraid I might start to cry (it's something I've been carrying in my heart for a couple weeks now) and also there's not really a lot anyone else can do.

Other things, yeah, I am afraid of someone mocking me as cringe, or, what's almost worse to me, the sort of polite failure to understand why I care about that thing, and that uncomfortable silence where I know they don't know what to say, because either they don't understand or don't agree. 

And so, sometimes it is easier to keep one's mouth shut.

But what's almost worse, I think, are the people whose defense mechanism it to mock, or to take a surface view of everything, to be sarcastic and to never show a genuine emotion. And I wonder if a lot of the Online Stuff is a reaction of this - basically, scared children (even though in adult bodies) who are trying to avoid their feelings being hurt by trying to hurt others first, or at least, to belittle everything.

And I think a lack of ANY sincerity is bad for us, too.

But I also can understand it: so many of us have been hurt by rejection that we try to avoid it. So some, like in my case, basically avoid a lot of human contact, but others may be the reason we avoid that contact.. I don't know. 

* And then this came up in a tumblr that I read some times, and yeah, I feel this:

"When you became a marked person" - that both hurts, and I know it's ridiculous, and yet, I remember having wondered as a kid if I DID have an invisible mark on my forehead or something encouraging people to bully or mock me. 

And yes, I know what that poster is saying isn't REALLY true, but sometimes, it FEELS true. 

At any rate: it's been a hard week.