just wiped out

 Today was A Day.

As it turned out, the person in question did NOT leave to get treatment, and because no actual threats to themselves or others were made, they were still permitted (welcomed?) on campus. But there was still concern. So we had police ("POLICE police," as the grad student said, to differentiate from the campus police, whom a lot of use know). All over the building. I saw a guy walk past my office a couple times, and someone was sitting in the student lounge area. 

I also stayed on my feet for most of lab today (two hours).  I have found my leg hurts worse, and the inability to walk properly is worse after sitting for very long. So I'd sit for five minutes when I just got too tired and then stand back up and walk. And so, after the hard floors at the end of the day, I just ached. Getting down the stairs was a lot harder and I didn't try to take any of the steps leading with my right leg (I've been experimentally trying that when I feel up to it. I can go up stairs alternating legs, but going down is harder, and may be the last thing I get back - if I even do). 

Also it's Maundy Thursday. I had agreed to do the prayers at the service tonight and I did. They weren't very good, though, because I was tired and distracted from worrying about my colleague's safety and about that student.

(I have to go in and work tomorrow - grading, and work more on the revision and I'm really hoping the police aren't there and "encouraging" me to go home - I will if they do, but it will mean I probably have to stay later during next week, or not get the revision done when I promised it)

Just, everything is such a mess, the world feels like a mess. I came home and just cried for a bit between work and before the service, because I was tired and lonesome and just feeling all that's wrong in the world right now hard.

Normally I make some special meal for Easter for myself but I can't think of anything. I know one year I made cheese enchiladas (I have a good recipe) but I'm having some digestive issues with cheese at the moment, so I don't know. Not sure I have the energy to try to get a small enough quantity of chicken (if I can even FIND a package smaller than a couple pounds) and cook it up to do chicken enchiladas. I looked at the steaks at Pruett's the other day and .... it's just too expensive now. I may have to become a vegetarian. I don't eat much meat to begin with but it's getting to the point where meat's prohibitively expensive. 

I have a couple frozen dinners but it feels like giving up to me to eat a frozen dinner on a holiday. 

I don't know. Maybe I try doing enchiladas out of refried beans? I guess that would be possible? Not sure I want salmon loaf and here in town it's harder to get the really GOOD canned salmon. 

One thing I miss from childhood Easters is getting an Easter basket. I did one one year as an adult but it wasn't the same. I do occasionally buy a box of Peeps or a chocolate bunny, but it's not the same as the small gifts and jellybeans and stuff. And I miss having a new dress; that used to be a thing, you'd get a new spring outfit for Easter. Of course back then I was growing and had usually gotten too tall for the previous year's spring dress, and now I just wear what I have until it wears out and then grudgingly replace it.  I also remember a few years we went to a sunrise service; several of the Protestant churches in the town where I grew up banded together and did an outdoor service on the village green (Yes, we had a village green - this town was in the "Western Reserve of Connecticut" in Ohio, and there were definitely the New England features). I can't remember if there were folding chairs (I think there were?) or if we just stood. Now that I think of it - did they "line out" hymns, or just do ones everyone knew, or print the words in the bulletins? I just barely remember the services and I admit back then I was more about getting home to hunt for eggs and look at my Easter basket.

One of the hard things without kids is trying to figure out traditions so some days are at least a LITTLE special; I feel like all too often now I suffer from a deficit of specialness or uniqueness to my days; some days at work I have to think hard about what day of the week it even IS. My life is passing me by.....