Tuesday evening whining

 * The injury is so frustrating. I get a burst of energy and pain-free feeling midday, and I think "oh thank goodness, I'm finally healing" and then I am absolutely WIPED by the time I get home. I don't get it; I am doing less than I normally would do but about an hour of sorting and selecting herbarium specimens for Thursday's lab (standing on the miserable tile-over-concrete floors in my building) meant I could barely drag myself up the steps into my house this afternoon. (Luckily, the mail came when I was home getting lunch and I was able to pick it up then, I wasn't going to walk back down to the mailbox after getting home).

*I did ice the knee again (it was hurting) and then managed to take a shower and wash my hair. I can still bend my knee enough to step directly into the tub (still using the shower seat, though) so maybe I've not lost too much more mobility. 

* But then, while making dinner (okonomiyaki; I had bought shredded cabbage in a fit of feeling like I would be able to do things again soon and it was close to its sell-by date) I felt like I was going to pass out, I was so tired. 

I hope this is just normal healing? Maybe healing from an injury makes you tired? I did feel a little better after eating and sitting for a while but it's alarming how fast I can go from "pretty much fine" to "oh no I have to sit down and I can't any more" 

* After finishing this I might try to knit a bit on the current striped socks. 

* I wish I could push the various worries out of my head. During the day, when my knee feels good and I'm pretty mobile, I think "oh, the orthopedist will just send me to PT and everything will be fine" but in evenings like this I wonder: did I damage things more? am I going to be facing surgery? 

I mean, evenings are often bad for me anyway (tired, and no one here to distract or console me, so I ruminate on things) but....it's extra bad now with a knee where every time I go to get up, I wonder "will this be the time it buckles under me and proves I have a busted tendon?" or "how much pain will I feel when I stand?' (usually not much, but)

* I guess I'm glad I didn't make Spring Break plans, it's a bit more than a month off and who knows? I may have to have surgery then - all alone here, all by myself, and figure out how to deal with the after care largely on my own. And my one relaxing week off all eaten up. 

Dammit. Crying now. WHY DID I DO THIS? WHY WAS I NOT MORE CAREFUL? If I hadn't twisted wrong that evening I would be fine now. 

* I think this summer I have to cough up the cash for a new set of orthotics; my insurance doesn't cover them but I think I need to replace the old ones I have. 

Maintaining an aging body is like maintaining an old house; you can never get ahead of all the things that go wrong and you can only prioritize "what's the worst thing now, what needs to be attended to most" and I hate it. 

* ETA: I hunted around - despite Google search being absolute garbage right now - and found some actual medical information saying that it does require more energy to heal from an injury like I have, and especially protein, and maybe I'm not eating enough protein right now? I have eaten some bean dishes but haven't really eaten meat in a while. 

Maybe that's why I get exhausted at the end of the day?

* I do feel some better after sitting for most of the evening. I can still bend my knee but it does feel "tight," maybe there's some swelling in there - maybe standing too long on hard floors is causing it. I do get random twinges of pain while just sitting but less than I did a few days ago but MAN will I be glad if this just fixes itself.

At least tomorrow should be a slightly easier day