still no update

 I'm waiting for the guy to return from lunch and he's supposed to call me about my car

I realized earlier today that the quilt show in town is this weekend. It's at the library, so about 4 miles from home, too far to walk in this heat. So if I don't have a car, I will miss literally the only fun thing in town this whole summer, and no, I don't know anyone I could ask to drive me EVEN IF I offered to pay their admission; I am the only quilter I know. (The one person I could have asked, she died last summer)

I don't know. I know groceries will become a bigger problem before that and while wal-mart technically will deliver, i remember all the problems with 'pick up at the curb' during 2020 when I was afraid to go into a space as large and crowded as a wal-mart

I suppose the answer is find someone to drive me to the rental car place and pay whatever exorbitant cost it is to rent a car and just figure that I won't have ANY disposable income for months and months. (So: should not even go to the quilt show)

I hate this. If there were more people around, if my colleagues were actually on campus it might be better but I feel very forsaken and alone. 

In the past, someone I knew was able to loan me a car for a few days, but that car's since gone to a grown grandkid who needs it for work, and I don't know anyone else with a "spare" car. 

I've tried and tried to solve this problem without renting a car and I keep hitting a wall. I can get rides to and from work with the secretary but for groceries and my evening meeting tomorrow at church and all that - and I was supposed to have routine bloodwork done Thursday morning and there's no way, especially not after having FASTED, I could walk there, and there's no taxis, so I guess I just cancel or move the appointments if the car's not done and I hate this all. I hate that one logistic issue makes the rest of my life this much harder.

(Guy was supposed to be back from lunch at 1, it's now 1:10. Every delay in calling me makes me think "my car's not fixable and they just don't want to have to give me the bad news" but honestly this makes it worse, I need TIME to try to find a vehicle if I have to replace this one and them dragging their feet does not help)

My insurance won't help with rentals other than if you were in an accident.

And anyway, it seems the one rental agency in town may have closed up shop- I got directed to a cell phone voice mail box

Called the place back, got no answer, called the main dealership and she said she'd pass a note to them to call me. I admit I cried a bit over the phone but I am now absolutely overwhelmed at the domino effect of problems in my life this is causing and my inability to even throw money at the problem (=get a rental car) to fix it

I am now looking at used cars online because I assume they will tell me my car can't be fixed and needs to be replaced. I have never bought a car by myself before; the previous two I owned my dad helped me with and......dammit, I'm crying again now because he's not here and I have no one to help me.

I don't trust most of the used lots but if I do have to buy a new car it's going HAVE to be an older used one; I don't have the money for the payments on a 40 or 50 thousand dollar car at the moment. 

And I can't be without one in this stupid town; you cannot function without a car if you can't bicycle places, and even then, a bicycle means you can't really go much outside of town - so no more trips to Chickasaw ever, no more traveling to see my mom, no more nothing.

I want to lie down on the floor and never get up again. I am absolutely out of cope for this.

I hate how the people who have power over things like this in my life don't give two flips about me, and the people who DO care don't have any power to fix things for me. I just can't. 

I guess it's good I don't have a car because right now if I did I'd be tempted to throw the few portable objects that matter to me in it, abandon this town, and go back to live with my mom.

***

He finally called, "We should know something by 4 pm, we'll call you then." Yeah. And the check's in the mail and your haircut looks fine. 

I can't function without a car but I may have to, or pay an inflated price (because of low used inventory) for something I don't really want. (And pay, and pay, because I'd have to finance)