And some socks

 I finished a (long term; I think I started these at Christmas?) socks over break

It's a KFI gradient yarn, I forget the exact name of the yarn line but this color way is called Green Bay. (I remember it because there's a Green Bay, Wisconsin, which was actually the nearest "big city big enough to have specialist doctors" for my UP relatives in Rapid River. 

They're just the standard 64 stitch socks I do, they do have an eye-of-partridge heel which looks nice but requires slightly more concentration than the slipped stitch heel that I typically do. 

I also started a new pair but am not very far:

This is the Knit Picks "Static" in the colorway called John-Boy. I really like the colors in this; I don't think I've seen this color combination in any other yarns I've worked with. The main color is a chestnut brown with almost hints of pink, the "static" section is sort of a sepia tone (like the "old photographs" in the opening credits of The Waltons), and then the colorful section is an unusual combination of colors - almost like a faded plaid workshirt. 

Again, I'm doing these as simple socks; not sure yet if I'll do the heel flap in any way unusual or if it'll just be a slipped-stitch (which gives a ribbed look but also helps it last longer because it's a thicker, denser fabric)

****

I've been doing some research reading up at work. I was getting tired of reading about soil litter bags (the last paper on that topic I read was an intensive review of the changes in litter chemistry, especially carbon compounds, which is not what I am planning on doing) so I switched over to some historical papers. I read one about Arthur Cronquist - the systematist - and his impact. And that he was at New York Botanical Garden, and that made me think of Rob, my TA from Systematic Botany back in the late 80s - that's where he wound up, I'm not sure if he's still active or not. And then I thought of Dr. Wagner.

And I thought: I wonder if he would have been proud of me for taking on Systematic Botany here, and teaching it even though I'm far from an expert, and if I taught it in a way he could be proud of.

And I admit, it made me a little sad.

One thing I admit I crave is to feel like people whose opinion I value are proud of me. One of the most meaningful things (and one of the things that made me put my forehead down on the back of the pew in front of me and cry) at my dad's memorial service was that he had written a letter a few months before his death to be read, and the minister read it, and in it he commented he was proud of both my brother and me, and what we'd done with our lives. 

My family is not outwardly demonstrative and that's often how deep and important things are communicated - obliquely, or in letters, or something like that.

And yes, I know: I should be internally motivated. I should be able to look at what I've done and be proud of myself for me. And perhaps more than that, I should be proud of who I am, that I strive to be compassionate and hardworking and honest and all that stuff, rather than worrying about what I've *done.*

But it's hard. I wonder sometimes if it's harder for me than for some because I had a lot of fairly critical teachers growing up, who could see the 2% of a project that wasn't perfect and point it out while not commenting on the 98% that was fine. Or if it was years of classmates and peers who were all too happy to tear down anything in me they saw as a weak spot.

And yes, there's very much a strain in American culture that sees a "smart kid" or even just a "nerdy kid"* and goes "That person needs to be taken down a peg" and so they proceed to criticize or find flaws.

(*And yes, I was a little pedant at times as a kid; that's often a flaw in kids who spend too much time around adults rather than other kids - that was me - or who read books perhaps a bit "older" than what other kids read. And I was considered "borderline gifted" in school but a lot of days now I wonder if that was just because I was polite to the teachers and kind of a little swot who read a lot. I certainly don't seem to be capable of the leaps of logic the truly gifted have.....)

But at any rate, it made me sad, not just because of the wondering, but because of the realization of how many people are gone out of my life now that I might look to to see if they're proud of me. 

I went home after that and I did spend about an hour (until my legs were shaky and it was hard to breathe from the allergens and humidity) and cut back the holly bushes and some of the weeds around the foundation and I felt a little better after that.

But yeah, the summer Black Dog is starting up - I am sure it's related to being almost totally alone most days with no interactions, and it's hard to figure out how to GET interactions; the friends I have here in town (mostly people from church) are not people I'm comfortable texting and going "I'm lonesome, do you have time to do something?" partly because I've positioned myself so much in the past as The Big Strong One and it's hard to step away from that. 

I don't know. Maybe physical work will help and certainly my yard needs a lot of it - and I can do only an hour at the most at a time, because I do not tolerate heat well any more.