Today was a hard day, and it ended with one of the more difficult church services of the year (we typically do not do a Good Friday service; often we do Maundy Thursday more as a Tenebraes - with the candles being extinguished and all - than we did this year).
But first, I had my usual Thursday afternoon class, and it was kind of....a circus isn't quite the right word, but a chain of misunderstandings led to problems: it was a field lab, and I waited the standard five to seven minutes, but one student still hadn't arrived. I figured, well, this was someone who had revealed a chronic health issue that can come on without much warning, and maybe they didn't feel up to going (though in retrospect: knowing them, they probably would have e-mailed). But I was anxious, anxious to get out to the site (it's a worse drive than the others), anxious about remembering to gas up the van on the way back
(A new dictum: we have to use the fleet card to refill the vans when we return, regardless of how short a trip. There used to be student workers whose job this was, but in the name of saving money, it's now the faculty member using the van's job - just another task added on to us with no added pay or consideration for what we do).
Anyway, I was maybe about 2 miles off campus and my phone rang. I don't answer my phone while driving (and even then: I'm not sure could handle the "big" van safely with it). It actually rang twice. There was no announcement of WHO so at least I figured it wasn't an emergency with my mom.
When we had to stop and wait on a train, I pulled it out quickly and checked.
It was the departmental secretary. I had enough time to quickly call her and yes, the student had shown up, a bit late, wondering where we were, but as I had told a colleague - he told her and she's meet us there. Well and good.
So I drove on, relieved, thinking "well, we'll stay close to the van at first, they will see us" but then they didn't arrive and didn't arrive. First I thought "Well, maybe they misunderstood my colleague and went to one of the other sites?" and then I thought "maybe they decided not to come after all?" so we moved on to the rest of the site.
Finally, we finished - and as we were leaving, there was their car (along with the car of someone I THINK is car-camping out there; anyway, she was there on Tuesday when I checked out the site). She said, "Yes, your student arrived" and generally pointed in the direction she thought they had gone.
We were already in the van at that point and I admit I hesitated, but then told myself that if something happened to the student it was on me. So I said, "We need to find them" and first one of the students volunteered to go out and look - she took off running (I think she is a cross-country runner).
We sat there for a while. I joked, to break the tension a bit "This is like a horror movie setup: send the white girl out into the woods alone" and one of the other women laughed and said "yes, while her BOYFRIEND sits in the van" and the BOYFRIEND looked a bit sheepish.
She came back and said she couldn't find the student.
So we all went to look. I told people to split up and return to the van at a set time. Then one person said "Oh I know the office the student works for, let me text their boss, their boss can text them"
That was what it took. We started looking but not too long after we saw the student hurrying back from a section of the site we hadn't even been in. (I know I visibly relaxed when I saw them, I had visions of not finding them and there being a big scandal and having to call the rangers to help us find them). I apologized to them for leaving them behind; they seemed okay with it. And we headed back and did the lecture part of class but I know I wasn't at my best.
***
And then I raced home, ate a quick dinner, changed into a dress, and ran to church. I guess it was good I went; there weren't many of us there (All women, the entire CWF group was about the only attendees). I thought I was going to cry - I often do at Maundy Thursday services. I got close when we were singing "Seek Ye First" (I am not generally a fan of the more-recent "praise song" type hymns, but this one is a little older - the early 1970s, though I pre-date it by a couple years - and the words are less-repetitive than most of the more-modern hymns, and it has a nice tune) but I didn't actually cry.
But I am tired. And once again a bit disillusioned at the world; how some of us keep working and trying and never seem to get very far or never seem to do very much good whereas others who are better connected or richer or more powerful can do far more harm than any of us can try to counteract no matter how much good we try to do.
I probably should go in to work tomorrow (We get Good Friday off; I need to work at least one day this weekend to finish some lecture material up and to do some grading). But, oh, am I tired. I don't even know what would "fix" the tired I feel, honestly - it's not just the "need to sleep" kind of tired. Not even maybe the "need a day out somewhere else" tired. But I am definitely tired.
No comments:
Post a Comment