And another thought

 Something I read somewhere, recently, about the phenomenon of "self care." 

The writer noted that "self care is basically giving the individual another task - to care for themselves, and that absolves other people from having to do it"

And something that's been widely complained about in re: workplaces during pandemic times is how they have (largely) very clumsily done the "we care about our employees" thing. And it does feel like "you need to complete these self-care tasks" and it's just added to the pile of things you have to do, and the workplace pats itself on the back for "taking care" when really it's the employee doing it. 

Here, we had Zoom yoga. I never did Zoom yoga. Eventually I guess it became Outdoor Yoga but I never did that because it met at a time I was teaching labs. 

And there's a lot of stuff for students but I wouldn't feel comfortable showing up as a faculty member because these things are advertised as *for students* and I remember how someone I know from another university (this was back in the before-times) talked about how they brought "therapy dogs" to campus for comfort before final exams, and when she showed up, wanting to pet a dog (because, you know? Finals is stressful for us, too, just in different ways) only to be told NO THIS IS ONLY FOR STUDENTS.

But yes. All too often, "wellness" or "self care" feels like yet another task, another thing on the to-do list. Just like "enforced fun" is not actually fun (and workplaces do that, too - have some kind of mandatory thing designed to be fun, but the mandatoriness sucks out much of the actual fun). 

And also, the idea that "self care" is "getting enough exercise and eating a vegetable and taking a shower" - those boring un-fun things that many grown ups just do every day because we're SUPPOSED to and that's also how you stay healthy, and now being told "oh yes that is self care, you are giving yourself a TREAT" well I am sorry but that is peeing on my leg and telling me it's raining. 

But the thing is, some days I don't really know what "nice" self care would look like. Probably it depends on the person. I mean, it would be nice to just go somewhere and have someone wash my hair for me with a good shampoo and conditioner that make it feel not like a birds nest any more, and maybe even have them consult with me about a way to trim and style it that would be more flattering than the all-one-length-pulled-into-a-ponytail I wear (but then, oh golly, the MAINTENANCE of having to go in for a new trim every six weeks or so, and the cost). It would be nice to have the money and time to get some more bookcases and reorganize all my books. It would be nice to go to a museum for the day and then have tea at a tearoom.

But yes: the comment about "they call it 'self-care' because it absolves them from having to care about you" is going to stick with me for a while.

Even more for some folks - the person went on to point out that some people (usually women) are expected to "care" for others (usually family, but also co-workers or colleagues or friends) but some of them don't get that reciprocated when they need it (this seems especially true in workplaces). 

And it does feel very lonely and very....kind of washed-up-on-the-shore-of-your-own-life to have to do for others, and then get home to an empty house, and still have to do the laundry and cope with the bills and cook your own dinner and yeah, maybe clean the house a little?  And it gets tiring and overwhelming because it does feel like you're just doing constant maintenance and never get to just relax.

An example: In the before-times, I used to go to restaurants fairly regularly. In fact, there was a time some years ago when I had no classes at all on Tuesdays, and I made it a plan to get lunch out somewhere almost every Tuesday. Why? Not because our local restaurants are so great - a few are pretty good, most are/were kind of dismal - but it was that *I didn't have to fix the food for myself*. I didn't have to stand in front of my fridge and try to figure out what to make for myself. I didn't have to go to the grocery store for that food. I could sit down, and I could tell someone what I wanted, and they'd bring it to me, and then take away the dishes when I was done, and I paid them to do that. What it did was it took that labor off me for once - having to fix food and then wash up after it. And I was happy to pay. And it was, as I've taken to bitterly joke during pandemic times, "rat-cage enrichment" for me - it was being somewhere different, doing something different. 

I don't do that much now. Once in a great while I'll get carry out (last week I got a pizza despite not really being able to afford it, both caloriewise and money wise) because I hit a point where I just can't bear the thought of having to go to THAT MUCH TROUBLE to feed myself again. (There needs to be Purina People Chow, there really does. Except it would have to be Purina People Mush for me because I have bad teeth and couldn't crunch kibble)

But yes. There are other times when my solo existence feels like a huge burden to me. I've complained about having to do certain things with no help - part of it is I don't want to burden someone else even though there might be people I could call. But also, I know how my brain works, if I called them and they tried to gently tell me they didn't have time right then, I'd interpret it as "they're trying to nicely say they don't really like me and to never ask them again"...

Also something I'm realizing in my new, mostly-broke state (after the home reno, and also given that inflation eats far more of my paycheck for groceries and electricity and even stuff like paper towels than before) - self-care is expensive. So instead I mostly just go home and sit. There are things I'd like to do, things I maybe SHOULD do (get new orthotics made, start doing PT for my hip) but because they're not heavily covered (or not covered at all, in the case of orthotics) by health insurance, I can't do it right now. (And really: PT wouldn't be fun. It's probably important and at some point I should look into it, but it's not like a spa day). 

I also realize on some level this is a "me" problem - my complaint about my brother never sending a birthday gift (he still has not, and I can only assume that it's going to either never show up, or be repurposed as a Christmas gift, meaning I got "cheated" out of one) is because I see stuff like that, little things being done for me, as evidence that people care. Oh, it doesn't even have to be a gift - I would have been okay with just even getting a card. But the idea that someone bothered to take a tiny bit of time to consider me. But often people do not. I don't know whether I need to readjust my expectations, that most people don't think that way (or that I don't matter enough to deserve it) or what, but.....it's something kind of deep in my personality and it will be hard and painful to dig out of there. Maybe I need to, yes. One thing these past couple years of adulthood have taught me is that I need to lower my expectations of everyone and everything far lower than I thought possible (but I'm not there yet. And I did love getting even *small* presents some times). 

But it is a riddle: if you don't have the time and energy for self-care, and other people have their lives totally filled with things more important than you are and so cannot care for you, how do you get the care you need? I don't know. But I do feel a lack of something, and I can't quite determine WHAT.