I don't know

 News of the war, and something Russia admitted to doing today, makes me look at my life and go "why am I even teaching my stupid, pointless classes, everything is pointless and stupid and we're probably all gonna be dead of nuclear bombs within a couple weeks"

I am just having a really hard time keeping my spirits up lately. And feeling like there's a point to my existence, given the huge evil afoot in the world. Oh, on some level I know it's more or less always been so, but....I really had hoped to leave the existential fear of nuclear annihilation in the 1980s along with Shaker-rib sweaters and spiral perms.

I cleaned my office so it didn't look so junky because we MIGHT have had a candidate in, but now it looks like weather will turn that into a virtual meeting, and of course, after that, who knows if any of us will still be here.

I found a little thing - a sand painting made inside an upside down shot glass of a desert scene that I bought back in 1995 at (IIRC) the gift shop at the Glen Canyon Dam when my family went there, as a souvenir. And it reminded me of my dad, and of how back then he was in good health and mobile and we could DO things like drive eight hours in a day and then go hiking the next, and I was sad all over again. I realize that there are hundreds of things I will never do again (And, who knows: we may do very few things ever again depending on what happens) and I miss things. I miss novelty. I miss going places. Heck, I even miss having a NICE grocery store to shop at; the best I can do it the Brookshire's and they're an hour's round trip from me.

I was also thinking today about how much I'd like to find a place it was okay to go rockhounding - just walk around and pick up interesting stones. Most of the places I go that are outdoors these days are parks so picking up rocks and taking them home is Not Cool but in years past, like when I went to some beaches at places where it was okay, or other places where they didn't mind you carrying off a few pretty rocks, I did it, and I enjoyed it. 

I had a nightmare last night - bad and vivid and the first one in quite a while. I, and pretty much everyone I cared about, was holed up in something like a hotel. The Bad Guys of the World (the Russian Mafia, and drug cartels, and I think there were Yakuza in there too) had joined forces and at some point they just started firing their automatic rifles at the motel and I realized - we were on the second floor - that where I was crouched down I was not likely to be hit - but then I realized (somehow) that literally everyone else I cared about in the world was shot dead....and then I jerked awake. And got up, went to the bathroom, turned on a light and sat for a while. With garden-variety "bad dreams" I can often rewrite the ending in my imagination to be something not bad, but this one kind of defeated that. And I guess that's really a window on my deepest fears: fears of violence breaking out because I have no one to defend me, fears of everyone I care about being dead and gone and me being all alone. 

I did get back to sleep and later had a dream about being deputized to serve food at a gallery show, and that was a lot more pleasant as a dream, but still - it's been hard to shake that nightmare today especially in light of the news. (And ironically? I did not watch ANY news last night, I watched re-runs of Dr. Pol. But the news still has a way of creeping in).

Also something is very broken at Doki Doki crate and I've got a help request in to them but: I received TWO of the gachapon crates (which I had cancelled the subscription for, because they've gone to a new "totally random" model and in the past three crates nearly everything was items I'd already received) and no doki doki crate, and on their webpage it claims my subscription is cancelled, but I paid for another three months in February (I have not checked my credit card bill yet to see if they might have refunded it, if they made a mistake and thought I was canceling both - if they did, I'll just resubscribe and be sad over missing a couple months' crates, but if they have my money but have the service cancelled they need to EITHER refund me or make it good - and I'd argue it would be nice to maybe extend my subscription an extra month for all the agony). And on the other hand, I realize I have zero right to feel upset about this because I live in a (for now) safe place where there's running water and enough food - but I'm also a bit tired of going "okay, things are suboptimal but I'm not allowed to feel bad because people have it worse elsewhere"

I just want something good and nice and it seems like there will never be anything good and nice again, and it makes me wonder why I get out of bed in the morning. And yet, I also know it's ON ME to find things good and nice - but right now it's hard.