and more TCM

 They're doing "30 days of Oscar," which I guess they do every year, and usually that's a good time to catch movies, because it seems like occasionally when I want to watch it there's a war movie, or a monster movie, or something uninteresting to me on.

Tonight, it's "Mrs. Miniver," which I've seen before (and also read the novel, which is perhaps a bit more lighthearted than the movie). Yes, the movie did have a slight propaganda role (it was intended to get the US to help Britain, though we were attacked shortly before the movie came out here, I think, so we entered the war). 

There are a number of harrowing things that happen; Mr. Miniver is part of the "little ships" that do the Dunkirk evacuation even though that was very dangerous for small vessels; Mrs. Miniver stares down and ultimately captures a downed German pilot. And there are sad things - I won't spoil them but the person you expect to die doesn't, and I seem to remember from my earlier viewing, another sympathetic character dies. 

It does strike me a bit differently now than it did when I watched it in my early 30s, before I was quite so battered by life, before I'd lived through a pandemic and watched with dismay the possible spin-up to World War III on the television - I find the suspenseful and sad parts are more so, and I realize that I react more strongly to the whole thing. Oh, and the whole Anderson shelter thing. I remember seeing plans for a fallout shelter when I was a teen (in fact, I think the food co-op my parents went to had one set up as a display for a while) and I remember being horrified at how close and claustrophobic it would be, and how long you'd have to just....sit....in there. At least with Anderson shelters when the barrage stopped in the morning you could step out.

One thing that struck me in the movie (it's about 2/3 through right now) was, earlier on, before the oldest son joined the RAF (when he was still an insufferable Oxford student), he comments to the girl who loves him, at some dance/party, something along the lines of "This is no time for frivolity" (meaning: war is coming, so why are we having this party) and she responds "This is no time to lose one's sense of humor" (I could be wrong; I can't find the quote on any of the online sites, because arguably, it's a less important one to the movie). But also, that seems the crux of....well, everything....to me. How do we live? How do we deal with the fact that our sense of security, has been in a way, forever altered (at least mine has). Today in class one of my students grabbed one of the (residual) bottles of sanitizer and paper towels and was washing down her table top and I commented, "oh, did someone leave a mess" (though people should NOT be eating in that classroom; it's a lab) and she shrugged and said "no, sometimes when I think of all the hands that have touched things I get grossed out now" and I agreed, that I'm more germophobic than I once was (Oh, I used to be so cavalier about my soils and such! I used to tell students I was more worried about chemical residues in or on things than I was about germs! But now.....yeah, viruses and to a lesser extent, bacteria, even as I know the vast majority of bacteria are not infectious, and most viruses either can't infect humans or cause only the minorest of disease). But also, of lately - I've had a few nuclear-war nightmares again like I did as a teenager, and every day bad stuff comes out in the news I look at my little stock of bottled-water-for-emergencies and wonder if I should get more. (Where I live, I'm out of the danger zone of a blast, were there one, but I assume utilities would be toast for quite a while, and we don't get enough rain to trust being able to capture that for drinking....and washing, if that would even be possible). 

And I don't know. I look at people in the movie being brave - and I'm not brave. And I'm also alone, and I wonder what I would do in a real disaster or real danger, without really anyone to easily band together with for protection. 

But anyway: how do you live in the meantime? Do you just go on living (I kind of have, though again slightly more circumscribed circulation and not really doing things like eating meals IN restaurants), or do you prep, or do you put on a hair shirt and get your prayer beads and concern yourself with preparing to meet your Maker? I don't know. 

"Don't you want her to be happy, even for a little while?" Mrs. Miniver says to the grumpy old lady whose granddaughter wants to marry (below herself) the Miniver's son. 

I don't know. Would I take happiness if I knew it would only last six months or a year? (And again, I'm sad for my friend Dana - she and her second husband didn't even have two years together before he died). 

I also think of the question that was posed to us in high school English when we read Zorba the Greek: is it better to live as if this day would be your last, or as if you would live forever? I argued on the side of "live forever," because I felt like being conscious of your own pending demise would get in the way of being able to enjoy things - and really, until just a couple years ago, my mortality was merely an abstract concept, but now I've lost enough people, close enough to me (and seen people close in age to me start to die off) that I have been staring into the abyss more than is good for me. (Because really, despite faith - I don't really know what the next act is. I know what I HOPE it is, but I also have worries). 

Oh, often I can push it to the back of my mind, when working on things or laughing with people or out hiking. But it comes back, especially late at night when I'm tired, or if I wake up at 2 am and can't get back to sleep.The secret, I guess, is learning how to push it to the back of your mind all the time. But people did! People lived through it all, and as a friend is fond of pointing out, we are the descendants of those who made it through the bubonic plague times (Well, at least those of us with ancestors from parts of the world where it was common) and our ancestors survived various wars and all, and they were happy and found things to enjoy.I admit I feel like I should be reading some philosopher to figure out my thoughts on this, but I don't know who (Kirkegaard?) and also I know my reading comprehension has gone downhill because of (gestures at everything) so I probably need to work slowly back up to actual *difficult* reading rather than pop-history or mystery novels. 

(Ugh, this was probably a Bad Movie Choice. I forgot how much sad stuff happened in it)