what I lack

 I've been thinking about it, and I think part of it is "novelty."

I stayed home pretty strictly for more than a year. I realized in that time how very small my town is. Also, during that time the workload has crept up - several e-mails today involving the "contact tracing" we're expected to work with, and while it's not BIG, it's kind of tiring, and in some cases frustrating ("We're having a hard time reaching this student to tell them they're cleared to return" - what do you expect me to do? I don't have their "secret" e-mail that they check; students don't confide in me)

I think part of the reason I ordered so many stupid things online is that there is that moment of novelty of having a box or package arrive in the mail.

And I don't quite know how to fix it. I'm still not fully comfortable circulating in public, and some things I might have done are no longer possible to do. 

So, I've got to find some new possibilities, but what? Maybe I have to join the FB Borg, that seems to be how people find out about events and groups now? I hate that and the thought of having to curate another image online.....that's just time I don't have. But I don't know. 

Like Bono once said, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. And yes, I do feel like it's something *out there,* I no longer believe the bit from the end of "Wizard of Oz" about finding your contentment in your own back yard - I tried doing that for a year and....it didn't work. Or maybe it broke; I used to be better at that. 

I also admit I'm shaken today because they finally released vaccine statistics for my campus - about 50% of the faculty and a bare 30% of the student body. 

I really thought it was going to be better than that. I feel like the pandemic will never get better, it's just going to be constantly dodging bad waves - and this bodes ill for all of us who are aging and might need that hospital capacity soon. 

I don't know. I think I'm just in a localized pit of discouragement this week and I'm not sure how to haul myself out. I got the exams done, at least, and taught class, and sat through a presentation on the health insurance re-enrollment. 

I would very much like to go and DO something, something not work related, but it's 2:30 pm and I also have to go back to campus now and prep for teaching tomorrow - which is going to be a dreadful day: class at 8, class at 9, class at 11, lab at 1, gen-ed council meeting at 3, Elder's meeting at 6, Board meeting at 6:30. I want to cry. And it's going to storm shortly so driving anywhere any distance away probably isn't a great idea.

AND I have to come up with some kind of a devotional/sermon sort of thing - the minister is going to be out of town (some necessary family stuff) and I am literally the only person within the church who could probably do it/is comfortable enough doing it. I looked at the lectionary for that week and....it doesn't inspire me. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I feel these days like all I do is work and it's just running constantly to stay in the same place. Maybe this is just how it has to be for a while? I don't know. I would like things to be better. And I don't know that trying to change my attitude would help; I will  still be busy/involved with stuff for 10 hours (not counting my office hours) tomorrow and it makes me tired. 

I will say I figured out one of my big personal problems with the whole Dance of Zoom at the start of class - I have to focus so hard for  several minutes to get the camera installed and positioned, log on to the classroom computer, log in to zoom, open a zoom window, get logged on with video and sound, start admitting the people who show up, open BlackBoard, and open the powerpoints for the class and make sure everything is talking to everything else - I don't speak with the student informally at the start of class. Sometimes in the past, especially in upper division classes, we'd joke around or we'd talk about current events and now - I'm so focused on making everything WORK that I don't do that and it does make me feel cut off from the students and it's probably gonna hurt my evaluations. But going even extra early to do that BEFORE won't work, most of the classrooms are in use right before my class. And taking five or so minutes of class time feels wrong - because I'm already well behind the syllabus in two of my classes, and I don't want to "waste" any more time. I don't know the answer. I don't know the answer to anything any more. (like: "when will you finally stop masking in class?" Maybe never? I don't know. Our community transmission here is still fairly high. Or maybe some time I just eventually say "screw it, you're vaccinated but you'll probably get it eventually, just stop masking and pray that if you get it it's a mild case and you don't wind up with cognitive impairment or damaged lungs? Because what I'm doing now was okay on an emergency basis, but it IS NO WAY TO LIVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.)

Anyway. I wish we had something in my town other than a small quilt shop that's not open weekends, and thirty marijuana dispensaries (I don't use the stuff, don't want to) and a casino....and for people like me, there's not much at all.