Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Tuesday morning things

 * My mom called last night - UPS delivered a mailer to her. Containing the check from our friend Jo's estate. (She had left a healthy chunk of change to my mom and dad, with the stipulation that if one predeceased the other, the remaining one was to get it all). I don't know for sure how these things work but I wonder if that means in the coming week the two items (a wall hanging and a small quilt) that she left me will arrive. It would be nice to know to expect them - my mom wasn't expecting the check (UPS left the mailer between the screen door and the front door) and it would have been bad if someone else had found it first. 

Mom says that since my brother and I were also friends of Jo, we should share in the money. I don't know. If my mom wants do to that, fine. (My dad's estate was sizable and she has all she will need; she's been able to fix a few deferred maintenance things recently). I'm still contemplating a new roof for this fall and I probably need some other little handyman type stuff done but (a) I have to get my house cleaned up better first before someone comes in (b) I want the current pandemic wave to lessen a bit before I have workers IN my house and (c) I have to FIND someone trustworthy - not so hard for the roof, harder for general handyman type work. 

*I've had to go to a big daily planner so I don't forget things. I found a nice one online, it is pink and sparkly and has "Organized Chaos" written on the front in the "Live Love Laugh" script but I find it funny in an ironic way because at BEST my life is organized chaos. So every week I write down what I need to do, and I write down things as I remember them, and I just keep it open to the week we are on so I know. I also have a wall calendar with all the exam dates and things written on it so I know what we are doing THEN.

It's tiring. I marvel at how much I did in the before-times, before all the loss and upheaval. I feel a lot these days like I have one of those streets department "boots" on my brain - I can't work as fast or for as long and I am not as motivated.

* I'm probably on some list at the physical plant because I've sent in so many requests about the air conditioning/ventilation not working in classrooms (I teach in four different rooms). The one I walked into at 8 yesterday morning was about 85 to 90 F. I made it through class but it was not comfortable. A colleague of mine (who is expecting) also complained about it being too hot. I also feel like "lack of ventilation" is not a good thing in a pandemic that spreads as aerosols. (I wound up opening a window, and I'll do it again if I have to)

* Also the "wired" internet connection crashes at least once a day, at least in the faculty wing (it has not yet happened in class, though I have gotten "internet is unstable!" warnings while on Zoom. And there is literally nothing I can do if it crashes; I would just have to keep teaching for the folks who are there). In fact, I am writing this while waiting for the internet to come back up - it takes anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes. I don't know why, no one has told us. But these periodic minor failures are distressing and make me worry.

* moreso because it does feel like we're going backwards; in a town to the north of me the city hall is shut down for the rest of the week because someone tested positive for covid and everyone is apparently isolating (which tells me no one there was vaccinated; current protocol most places now is "if you're vaccinated and exposed, you can just mask up and go out unless you have symptoms) and I very much do not like the feeling that things are just failing and it's like we're plunged back into 2020 again. Hard not to give up hope, especially when things looked so good in June. 

* Internet came back. I should try e-mailing IT and see if they'll tell me anything

* But yeah, looking for reasons to hope or be happy and it's just....hard right now. Don't know if depressed or if the state of the world is just that bad. I mean, I'm functional, I get my work done, I'm sleeping okay, when I get engaged in working on something I'm happy enough - but when I sit and think, then it all falls apart and I find myself wondering "okay so is this forever now, just an endless spiral of new variants and bad news and burned-out medical professionals quitting?"

When do you decide "it's not me that's sad, it's just that the world is sad-making right now"?

How did people find joy in wartime, in famine, in difficulty, in previous pandemics? For me the hardest thing in this one has been the loss of connections: AAUW cancelled their first fall meeting because of concern. Bell choir may or may not be coming back. While it's nice to have my evenings free it also means I sit there and THINK and that's bad. And I also miss the little connections with other people; I have too few of those these days and I think that affects me. I also think it makes me feel the negative interactions, or just the general "ugh, HUMANITY!" more when I'm not going "well, yeah, humanity may be a mess but that one particular person is okay" and I wonder....I wonder if the isolation a lot of us are experiencing is actually doing that, and it's leading to more polarization and more things like 'this person doesn't agree with  me on things 100% so I can't with them any more and I will put them on ignore" and while I've done that for some BIG things, I can see me doing it for smaller things and....that's not good. Also not good for us being back out in the world again if that's ever possible.


*(It came back. I e-mailed IT to ask them what is up. It's possible it's limited to my building and none of them know. Heck, it could be that the server rack is in the same room as the microwave and maybe every time someone makes a cup of coffee these days it scrambles the server for a few minutes) 

* And hey, my e-mail to IT did something! They were unaware of the issue - telling me it's a "local" issue- and are sending someone to look into it.

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