I have questions

 Thinking about Delta variant, and the concerns about such, and hearing more and more reports of vaccinated people testing positive or even actually getting sick and....I mean, I know the vaccine isn't perfect, it doesn't give sterilizing immunity, but I feel like WHY. Why did I spend almost 18 months isolated, pretty much only going out to work (and to church,once that restarted) for....this. For a week of "well maybe you can go without a mask indoors" and then "nope, clamp back down!"

And the bigger question: what the heck do I do about fall? I wrote my syllabi before Delta mushroomed, and now, I don't even know. I did put the mushy-mouthed "mask friendly" statement in there, but I am gonna tell the class in my considered opinion, they SHOULD mask though I cannot force them to (and I will be, myself). But what about online? Do I offer the classes over Zoom again, even though it's more work and more effort, in case someone gets exposed or is immunocompromised and has to stay home? Do I record them and post them later in case someone has a bad connection? If I do that, then everyone goes "oh I'll watch it later" and I'm talking into a void where I get no feedback and no questions and nothing and I CAN'T. I can't do this any more. 

I wish I had someone here smarter than I was, wiser than I am, to tell me either "no, it is fine, and your job satisfaction is worth something. The vaccines cost precisely zero dollars and your students are over 18, they should be smart enough to go get them before going into crowded settings" or "don't be ridiculous, one of the ways you love your neighbor is by making it as easy as possible for all your students to attend class, even if it makes you kind of miserable, find another way to find meaning in life" and I don't even know. 

I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. Until mid July I was really looking forward to this fall and things being "more normal," now I think it will just be worse again - we've upped classes to full capacity, it's on the students to get vaccinated or not (but on us to accommodate them if they're out sick) and we can only ask people to mask. 

And I''m locking down again for a while, because of my concern about a breakthrough infection; I am perhaps paranoid but I am not convinced they don't give the horrific long-term or cognitive effects that full blown infections give. 

Part of this I know is me worrying about it in isolation - my counselor pointed out I really seem to struggle without someone to bounce ideas off of - and I have even worded it to myself as "I really need someone to say "babe, we're not gonna run out of gas*" when I start worrying about things" But I don't have anyone around me who is more chill about things than I am, so....I have to just grit my teeth and tell myself it will be OK even if it feels very not-OK, and keep going, and I am just. so. tired.

(*in reference to something I saw in a weather report about a bad snowstorm in Georgia a few years ago; a couple sitting stuck in their car in traffic because of an accident ahead of them, and the woman started worrying they were going to run out of gas, keeping the car running so they'd be warm enough, and her partner turned to her, and quietly and sort-of-wearily said "Babe, we're not gonna run out of gas" as if this was probably a long-term worry modality of hers).

I very much want a reward. I want something as a reward for making it through 2020, for continuing to be careful even after vaccinated, for weathering this current surge (which, holy hell, it's gonna be bad, between Lollapalooza** and Sturgis***). But I can't think of a reward and also it's not a reward if you have to look at your OWN bank account and decide if you can afford it or not.

(** news reports saying that COVID can spread out doors if the out doors is crowded enough)

(*** which led to a rise in cases LAST year)

This is gonna be forever, isn't it? I'll be 80 years old if I live that long and will still be masking to go to the damned grocery, and there will be daily "virus forecasts" like the weather forecast to help us decide whether to go out or not, and I've eaten my last meal EVER in a restaurant, I guess. 

I am going to look hard at my finances and how much I have paid into the state TRS this year, and see if I could swing it, and if this pandemic looks to be forever - maybe just retire a few years early and, I don't even know, but the thought of teaching to an empty classroom until I'm 60 makes me want to lie down on the floor and cry.