languishing a little

 That's the word for it, now, I guess - that sort of "I recognize my life is pretty good but I just don't have the joy I had pre-pandemic"

I recognize nothing is so very terrible for me, but I'm struggling a little today

Part of it is just too much loss in recent months - yes, I am still feeling Mecy's loss kind of hard. And Dell's, and my dad's, and Charles', and all the other people - Steve, and Margaret, and Glenna and Glen, and even just the people who moved away and I lost track of because it turned out I mattered less to them than I thought and they didn't stay in touch.

Part of it is a good friend of mine - probably my best friend, if I used such terminology - is suffering because of a family problem (I can't discuss it here) and has asked for prayers. It's a problem that will be extremely hard to resolve; they are getting priests involved to try and help and I also pray the priests have the right words to help things.

Part of it is it's just hot and blah out - I mowed the lawn last night and nearly did myself in; had a near asthma attack while finishing the backyard and kept having to do one pass and then sit down for a few minutes. Part of it is that I'd like to go DO something but I can't come up with anything where it's either not too hot to do (so hiking is out) or spending money/acquiring more crap I don't need.

Part of it is seeing some worrying news about 'even fully vaccinated people are contracting Delta variant' and while it's hard to parse out the numbers and they're also probably inflated/massaged, still: it makes me realize this will NEVER be over, that my life as it was before ain't coming back, that in the future I will have to be extremely cautious about travel, and I probably won't ever really eat inside a restaurant again or go to a movie or maybe even plays, and.....it's just that in the past nearly-two-years I've had to reconfigure my life again and again and again to fit in and accommodate new losses and I am about DONE, I am about at the point where I want to lie down on the floor and have a tantrum, even while I know that will not help one single thing and I won't even get any sympathy if I do it. 

Part of it is I simply am not sleeping well; I never do in the summer, even with the airconditioning turned as cold as I dare turn it. I thrash around and wake up a lot and wake up hot and kick the sheet off and then feel exposed and I have unpleasant dreams and I wake up with bad allergies, especially if I've been outside the day before.

I did make the weekly grocery run this morning (this time to wal-mart as they have a few items Pruett's does not that I use regularly) so at least I have some different food items ahead. 

And I ran down the crafts aisle and bought 1" wide ribbon, and also a skein of variegated pink Red Heart because the Minky came and I have decided that sleepy cats and Osharina ponies are in my near future - the cat will be a Bingus cat because I bought pink nubby Minky, so he (? she?) will look like a hairless cat, and I may well name them "Bingus" because there is at least one hairless cat out there named Bingus who has Internet Fame.

And I want to make a Pinkie Pie Osharina pony and make her a dress out of candy-print cotton, and I found a fat quarter of bunny-print cotton for the Fluttershy version I want to make. (I also have, from stash, a teal and a turquoise, in case I wanted to make another. Or I could do one based on Rarity, I will have enough of the white I bought for snouts. But most likely I will just make the two)

And yeah, this is VERY me: when I feel sad or at loose ends, going "I know what will fix me! A new project! When I get it done I will be perfectly happy and everything will be all right!" and in my 40-odd years of sewing/crocheting/knitting I have YET to learn that no, usually it does not work that way, that it doesn't "fix" me in the way I think it will.

But it will distract me for a while. I could also get back to the newest quilt top; it is satisfying to do one that's a bit more complex than the ones I've done recently (with the subcutting)

Maybe if I can perfect the Bingus, I could make one in a different color for my niece's birthday in October. (I presume 9 is not too old for soft toys, at least for most girls? I never know because I remember being ridiculed for being "babyish" as a late tween because I still liked stuffed animals, but maybe now it's seen as more OK? And also, she's homeschooled, so she gets less of the awfuller kind of societal pressure). I would probably have enough yellow left from the Fluttershy and that's sort of a "normal" cat color, so that will work.