So, they are warning of possible severe weather (including chance of tornadoes) for here tomorrow (and, goshdarnit, RIGHT when I have a class that is 100% over Zoom, and if we lose power or the students' can't connect in, so help me....)
but I got to thinking: "wait, wasn't the near-miss where tornadoes touched down a scarce 10 miles from me about this time last year?"
Yes. Exactly a year to the day today. I don't like that. I remember how absolutely scared I was - I genuinely thought at one point that I might die, to the point of calling my mom to say goodbye and texting a couple of friends.
I didn't, of course, and despite everything, I'm still here. But that memory is viscerally uncomfortable today. I hope the weatherman is wrong and all we get is heavy rain.
***
I need to figure out something "fun" for the weekend; I need to go and do something (as opposed to sitting at home and SAYING I will knit or sew but mostly not doing it). Maybe go up to Sulphur and walk around the National Recreation Area? (I wish they still had their little bookstore in the visitor's center; last time it was all souvenir "stuff" things like caps and belt buckles. They used to have some good local-biology books; a couple of the field guides I use came from there). And I wish there were another destination in Sulphur that was fun but as I remember there's not a lot there. (There is a big hotel/casino but that's not relevant to my interests). Driving into Texas seems unappealing because (a) that's what I always do and (b) all the construction, wharrgarrbll.
Chickasaw Cultural Center - which is near Sulphur - is out, they are "temporarily closed, " I presume either because of the pandemic or perhaps they are using this time to refresh their displays? But still, it makes me sad.
But this week has been disappointing. Almost no one in person; today was the third day in a row of exclusively talking to a row of silent black squares on the computer. And I am so heartily tired of teaching this way. This is NOT teaching, or at least, it's not the kind I'm good at. I can't muster enough enthusiasm to overcome my misgivings AND my students' apparent lack-of-engagement.
And I realize, I've learned a lot of hard lessons this past year.
For one: I need the approval of other people more than I realized.
For another: some people I thought cared about me really didn't; the fact that they barely responded when I reached out to them and then *never* reached out to see how I was doing tells me that. I have people I have never met in person who have engaged with me more this past year than people I've known for 20 years down here and that HURTS.
For yet another: I get tired of my own company, and I run out of things to say to my mother in her several-times-a-week Facetimes. And I know they're important to her - so I don't ask to do them less frequently - because she's not really seeing any more people than I am, and she is going out and doing things even less. But I am tired of this limbo and I don't know how to break free
For the last: I've kind of lost my capacity to buckle down and work. I don't know whether it's the buildup of everything in the past almost-two-years or if it's me ENABLING myself not to work ("there, there, it's okay you can't concentrate right now, just sit back and relax instead" instead of berating myself to "suck it up and get to work"). I think I'm going to try Pomodoros again first, and if that fails, just berate myself mentally until I get stuff done. Because this is no way to be, I am just a jellyfish floating and I don't like that, I need to be doing something that feels like something. Maybe actually getting out in another week or so to start field research will help.
***
Anyway, it needs to be getting-stuff-done-o'clock; I have a couple "fast tasks" to help me generate some momentum to hopefully propel into working on my long-neglected manuscript.
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