this and that

 * Biggest "project" type work I've been working on is the slow process of handsewing down a quilt binding:

 This is a simple sort of Alpine-style quilt using fabrics from the old (maybe as old as 15 years) "Folklore" line: 

This is also the one where I used the last few scraps of fabric left from a dress I had when I was 3 or 4; my mother saved the leftovers. I had to piece it for this block:

* There's just a lot of bad stuff going on in the world; too much violence, too many people "othering" other people. I'm aware of it but I have no deep insights, only sadness. (One of the weird things about some corners of the internet is if you are not talking with outrage about the horrible thing of the day that must me you APPROVE of the horrible thing, and....that's just not true. I'm not wise enough or clever enough to come up with solutions, so I just look at the things with wordless dismay).

 

I've really changed my opinion on humanity. Even as a bullied kid I thought most people were basically good, but sometimes gave in to selfish impulses. Now I feel like most people are basically selfish and mean, but sometimes manage to overcome those impulses. Just deeply disappointed.

* On a related topic - often the articles on Medium are not that good, and some are ones I find openly annoying, but this one - about Weltschmerz - hit a nerve, and I mean in a good way. I found myself nodding along. First of all, the idea that there is suffering and pain in the world, and "why is that so" (in a religious context this whole thing is called theodicy: "if there is a loving God, then why do children die of painful disease" is one phrasing of the argument) but also the author's comment that sometimes what I have heard called "radical acceptance" (of one's limitations, mostly) is necessary to live in this world: 

"Don’t expect perfection — from the world, others, even yourself. It doesn’t exist. Life is always going to fall short of our needs, wants, and desires. While having core values, moral conviction, and high standards is a great thing, having impossible ones for everyone to live up to will only lead to ongoing anger, bitterness, and disappointment. It’s better to engage in what I call “sensible striving” — that is, a clear-eyed, open-minded, heart-full approach to life that endeavors for the best, knowing full-well that it’s not attainable."

 Also the comment on there that disillusion is kind of a natural thing, but that it does make us feel that safety and comfort in the world are not possible. 

The author also quotes Leonard Cohen, about how the cracks in everything are how the light gets in, and I find I so think about that a lot. 

* Today was a little bit of a down day for me. I had a lot of muscle aches (and did not get up early to work out as a result, but I caught it up when I got home this afternoon). I may have pushed a bit hard working out yesterday, or maybe I tensed up while sleeping - for some reason I was anxious when I got in bed and tossed and turned a lot and was unable to find a comfortable position, and I also had difficult dreams.

The worst one, that woke me up at 12:30 am and made me ALMOST get out of bed, was that I had dreamed I was at my parents' house. It was present day, but there was NO pandemic, and my father was not only still alive, he was in pretty good health....they were discussing getting rid of the hospital-style bed (which he slept in, in what used to be the dining room, because he could no longer do stairs, for the last however many years of his life) because he no longer needed it.

And suddenly, like some kind of quantum function collapsing, my brain remembered that my mom and I had been talking on the phone about her getting rid of the hospital bed (in real life) not because he was better and could climb the stairs again, but because he's....passed....and I woke up and was briefly discombobulated and then sad. 

I'm ready to be done with these. It's been a year and a half.

I also had a dream where I had bought a house and there was a basement under the garage but it was build into a hill so you could see into it (dimly) through a window, and the basement was all full of stuff from the prior owner, and I was going to have to go in there and clear it out, but I was weirdly excited, partly because there might be something good in there, but also partly because it was something *different*.  

I used to have dreams similar to that - a lot around the time I was buying this house - about finding a "surprise" room that was really cool, or finding out that the garden had some special feature (like a little rock waterfall) and I took them as fundamentally hopeful dreams, but now I don't know, I think it's just I'm longing to be out of the stagnation that began a bit more than a year ago, but I feel like it's not safe yet. (I am also still questioning if it was too early to plan travel in May, given some things I've heard, but I don't even know any more.)

* I had thought earlier this afternoon of coming home and rewatching a Ghibli movie (maybe Kiki's Delivery Service) but time got away from me - I had to work out, and then finish piano practice, and then wash my hair, and I wanted to change the sheets on the bed, and it got too late. But I need things that are pleasant and nice and comforting, even if real life can't be that way.

Some time back I read of the concept if Iyashikei - which literally means "healing anime" - apparently characters living out quiet, peaceful lives where nothing too bad happens, and I think that's something a lot of us desperately need (once in a while Western animation does something similar - some of the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic approached that, and "Summer Camp Island" show (or whatever it was called, it came and went off Cartoon Network pretty fast) did.) Shows with quiet plots and low conflict and pretty colors and cute and sweet characters. I don't know, maybe it's not very profitable (though the Ponies certainly were) but I think some of us need it. 

Ghibli movies probably aren't quite it, though some of them - like My Neighbor Totoro and Kiki's Delivery Service - either have very little conflict, or it's more "internal" conflict (like when Kiki is unsure about her ability to fly). And the end happily enough, and I think that's an important factor.

I also think a feature of Ghibli movies is that often kindness and goodness are what prevail, and they are the traits the heroes have - Sophie literally saves Howl by loving him, and Kiki gets ahead in life by being kind. And I still want to believe there's a place for that in this world, that somehow kindness can, if not prevail, at least allow one to carve out a small but good life for oneself, even if the rest of the world is going to blazes.

And no, I don't mean we shouldn't try to make things better, it's just....the world IS going to blazes, and there's almost nothing I can do to make anything better. So it's preferable to me to try to make my tiny corner of it nicer than to just sit down and reflect on the evil that's elsewhere.