Tired of this

 A friend of mine from church (and fellow prof at my university) was diagnosed earlier this fall with esophageal cancer.

I hoped and prayed that it had been found early enough. They started chemo. Then a week or two ago, they found it had spread.

Got an e-mail today: he's not coming home from the hospital.

I am tired of this. I am tired of losing people I care about, ESPECIALLY now when I literally have not met a new person in a year. 

Also, Jo, the friend of my family is, last I heard, still hanging on, but hospice has been called in. Someone called my mom and asked her if she wanted to be on the visitors list but she said no. (Jo doesn't know anyone at the moment, so it's not like people going and sitting with her would do much other than for the person doing the sitting). But still, when I talked to her last, I think she felt guilty about it. (Yes, the apple does not fall far from the tree). She said she couldn't, it reminded her too much of both when my dad was in the hospital a few months before he died, and also the last hours of his life. I made what soothing sounds I could and added that even though she had (just) had both doses of the vaccine, maybe going into a hospital during COVID times isn't the best idea (the best "excuse" I could make for her not to go, other than "your feelings are important, too, and if you just can't do it, you can't). 

Sometimes it feels almost not worth it to care about people because it hurts so much to lose them