Wednesday morning random

 I hope we CAN stay in-person, on-campus for as long as possible, because I can tell - despite masking up for class, despite policing seating locations and mask compliance (and so far, it's been *really good* among my students), I get flashes of the old normalcy of teaching and that is comforting.

Today, in the middle of the discussion of the different scales of measurement in biostats, I felt myself slipping back into the same old groove - I was looser, more relaxed, even despite being hyperaware that I was on camera and was wearing a face mask. 

The other day, leaving for campus, I heard the marching band, and had a moment of the old-times feeling before my brain flashed a warning sign that said "I hope they are keeping the woodwind and brass players far enough apart from each other" (there is some evidence that woodwind instruments, at least, seem to be basically viral dartguns). Oh, I'm sure they are. I'm surprised our football team is still playing but maybe they've managed to bubble them a little? I can see how groups of students on a campus, if they had a real motivation to bubble - and the campus provided them with, I don't know, a little reward for that (like: movie nights with pizza and such, to make the loss of big parties sting less), it could maybe work.

Those few tiny moments of normalcy are precious. 

I realize now: I may be learning what it's like to live with a terminal disease (or have a child living with one, I've read about that, too): the little moments where you can forget the existential horror, even if it because you are doing your paid job, are precious.

(And yes. Once this is over, I am going to figure out some kind of a "make-a-wish-esque" dream for myself, and go do it, as a reward for making it through. I don't know what yet)

I'm also able to fill another of my "roles" again - got a couple scared e-mails from students and I was able to reassure them ("Do I still have a lab section? There is no instructor listed" - I told them, yes, the lab still was meeting, they just hadn't loaded up the name of the instructor. I KNOW all the labs are covered.) Also, my newest colleague was having kind of a bad day ("Am I the only one who feels like I am drowning" - oh honey, you really got unlucky, doing your first semester during a pandemic. Yes, a lot of us feel like we are drowning a little but you also have to remember that it's harder for you because you just moved to a new town and are prepping classes from scratch). I told her that my first semester was difficult and hard and sometimes bad, and I was doing it NOT in the middle of a pandemic, feeling overwhelmed is more than normal here. I think it helped? I hope it helped. 

I was also able to reassure her that she was NOT missing important information, that it is kind of SOP here for the upper administration to think of things for us to do at the last minute and expect we can change our plans on a dime. It's annoying but you eventually just roll with it.

it would really suck to be teaching your first semester under these conditions but then again how much better it will be once there's a vaccine and we can hopefully dispense with some of the worse restrictions.

But yes, I am tired a lot of the time and a little overwhelmed. I planned on doing some prep for tomorrow's teaching last night but instead wound up playing stupid games on my phone instead. I am going to cut myself slack for that but also am going to strive to be better tomorrow and Friday and get some useful stuff done. (today is my long teaching day so I don't anticipate being able to get much done).