Not so great

So Saturday, I woke up with a sore right knee. It was stiff, it hurt. I didn't think too much of it - once in a while I "sleep funny" and get a knee that's stiff and sore for a couple hours. I kind of hobbled around on Saturday but did some house cleaning and ran out to Pruett's* and it was kind of okay.

Yesterday, it was worse. Heat helps some, a brace helps some. I can feel a spot on the outside of the knee just above the joint that seems swollen.

I don't remember hearing or feeling a "pop" or anything that would suggest a busted tendon or ligament. I really hope that's not it but it was bad again this morning - it's worse after I've been still for a while (lying down or sitting) and it's hard to extend the leg (painful) or bend it after extended. I've been seeking out my tallest chairs to sit in because getting out of a low chair is harder.

I decided I had better move up my checkup - I had one scheduled for the 31st. I messaged the doctor, she said she'd have the receptionist call. Receptionist never called but I found an online booking service so I booked a 1 pm appointment for today. I also have other concerns - specifically, going back to teach during a pandemic when we've already been warned that there may be insufficient disinfecting supplies and insufficient testing of people. So I want to discuss (ugh, this makes me so sad) the possibility of end-of-life care if the worst happens - I do not want to go on a ventilator for weeks and weeks if I get a bad case of this, I'd rather go "okay, fifty one years was a good run, I guess" and then see whatever comes in the afterlife. (Or, alternately, if she looks at me and goes, "Under no circumstances should you be in a classroom this fall" I will ask her for a letter to that effect that can be forwarded to HR so I can teach online with no one complaining)

Of course, if I blew out a meniscus and need surgery, it may be a moot point anyway, in several directions: the best outcome being "it's moot because I'll be recovering and can't be in the classroom" the worst being "I had surgery and caught the virus in the hospital."

I was really hobbling this morning and it was to the point where I was wondering who I could possibly ask to come in and help me do stuff - even stupid stuff like taking the trash out - but with putting the brace on (I don't like to sleep in it, it's neoprene and kind of tight) and some heat I have regained enough mobility that I can do anything I would need to do, if a little painfully.

I'm HOPING the answer will be "stay off the leg as much as you can for a week and put heat (or ice, I never know which) on it" and not "book a surgery." I would think it wouldn't improve with heat and movement if something were really borked in there.

But yeah, it's all just very very much.

(*The Imperfect Foods box was, as I feared, reported "damaged and undeliverable" but there was also a whole epilogue to that where THEN after I got a refund and asked the nice Imperfect Foods person to put my account on hold now (so I won't get any more boxes), FedEx messaged me and said "Oh it will arrive Tuesday" and because their online chatbot is terrible and their phone staff is terrible and there's no e-mail address, I took to DMing them on Twitter and the guy said "okay, okay, I will tell them to dispose of the box if it hasn't been disposed of already" and I get the feeling that Fed Ex is just not able to keep up - either locally or nationally, I don't know - with the increased volume of shipping in these "unprecedented" times)

I am tired of life being on "hard mode." I am hoping very much this knee thing is merely a sprain (I cannot for the life of me think of how I could have injured it - just did the regular workouts this week, didn't step down hard on anything or fall) and it will get better with rest and heat or ice. But it's hard not to despair, it's hard not to brace myself for being told, "Book surgery now, and arrange for someone to care for you when you're incapacitated" which is hard at the best of times but now is nearly impossible.