New Pony Thursday

Well, new-to-me ponies; these are G3 ones, from the early 2000s.

I am doing this in part because the main feature of today was a distressing Zoom meeting; the level of cognitive load of what I must do this fall (assigned seating, seeing students are masked, disinfect the classroom after use - because there is a shortage of custodial staff and they can't seem to hire more - but also we don't HAVE the disinfectant because of shortages) and also someone laughed at me when I made a comment about "we better update our wills" and I was DEAD SERIOUS.

(Granted, another colleague - a friend of mine - took that person gently to task after they laughed, but still, the damage is done).

So I need escapes.

Anyway. A couple weeks back I ordered a couple new-to-me Ponies. G3, this time. I tend to feel like "all generations are good" - I have a lot of G1s, a lot of G4s, now a lot of G3s. I don't have any G2s, but they were MUCH less common in the US than in Europe and tend to (a) be pricier and (b) not be in great condition (they have inset rhinestones in their eyes that are often missing, and yes, that would bother me)

In particular, I wanted this one:

Meadowbrook! She was referenced (and actually showed up, as one of the "ancient guardian" ponies) in Friendship is Magic, but her color scheme was different:

(That's my current Ravatar, Because of Reasons: In G4, Meadowbrook - called Meadobrook the Mage - was a healer-pony who found the cure to a plague....)

So when I saw the original inspiration for sale, I wanted her. (And also, yellow ponies are my favorites)

I also got another one from the same seller, because of her name - Petal Blossom

She's the third sister of my Flower Trio: Desert Rose (white), Desert Blossom (pink), and now Petal Blossom:

And yes, I imagine little families (or friend groups, or on a few cases, significant others) for my Ponies. These three are sisters. Desert Rose is the youngest and is a little vain (like Amy in "Little Women"), I think Petal Blossom is probably the eldest sister, and then Desert Blossom is the middle one. I think Desert Blossom is perhaps the sensible one of the family; Petal Blossom is a bit of a daydreamer.

***

I also finished the book on the history of ecology ("The Evolution of American Ecology, 1890-2000" - Sharon Kingsland). Something in the Conclusion struck me, where she was writing about the concept of the niche. One of her ideas is that we also need to incorporate the "human" into ecology, especially given how many of our students live in cities, and she was talking about the niche and humans:

"The niche is shaped by interactions with an environment and with other organisms. It can evolve. In the disciplinary sense, finding one's niche means creating a role and performing various functions professionally and socially in dynamic interaction with other disciplines and in interactions with various groups of people."

She earlier writes about how the architectural concept of "niche" (as in: a place where a statue resides) is static, but an ecological niche is fluid.

And it occurs to me: some of my distress these days is that a lot of how I once defined my niche has gone away: I am not teaching in-person (well, not teaching at all, this summer). I am not really doing research. and I'm not doing anything at church - for all intents and purposes, I am no longer an Elder, I am no longer a part of CWF. I feel very cut off. And while, okay, niches are supposed to evolve and change, how do you have a niche when you are interacting (on an in-person basis) with almost no people?

I also think I feel like I've lost a lot of my purpose and that bothers me. I think of something I read about sheepdogs in the UK - back in 2000, maybe some of you remember, there was an outbreak of Hoof and Mouth disease, and a lot of herds (especially a lot of sheep herds) were culled. And suddenly, the sheepdogs were "out of work."

And some of them started showing symptoms of what would have been called "depression" if it had been a human.

Some farms, they cleverly solved this issue by inviting tourists (or groups of schoolkids) to come to the farm and let the dogs herd THEM. Apparently sheep-sheep are not that different from human-sheep, because the dogs perked back up.

But I don't know how to find my purpose again. Oh, I suppose once school starts back up....though I am greatly apprehensive about everything that is coming; as I said there's going to be a mighty extra cognitive load heaped on us (cleaning, and monitoring, and making sure to keep distances, and for me, also, remembering to set up so I can stream my lectures for the people who can't be there for reasons of autoimmune issues) and since I have once or twice this summer nearly locked my keys in the car because I was so concerned with masking up and being sure that there weren't too many people at whatever place (and this is especially concerning considering how LITTLE I have been out - mostly once a week at most).

I will probably need to make a laminated checklist for myself so I don't forget something.

(Of course, this all could be moot; my colleague-friend is involved with AAUP and he seems to think the decision may be "everything is entirely online from Day 1" which would be economically bad but would be a considerable relief to me, because then there wouldn't be all the "spacing people" concerns and also not worrying about "this person is absent do I have to check on them." There are also serious questions about contact tracing that I don't think have been adequately solved, but which I hope will be - or, as I said, that we go to all online).

But yes. I need to find a new purpose, a new niche, something to make me feel like my life matters, like I'm here for a reason.

I will say, this past year has been.....it has been a LOT. Almost more than I can take.

I will be calling the counselor again in another week or so unless we get the word that we'll be all online; I think I will need some help being able to go back to in-person teaching during a pandemic.

(And yes, I also need to consult with an attorney about a formal will and advance directives, just in case. I know, I should already have it but the pandemic has concentrated my mind a bit/made me stare ever harder into the abyss. The big issue for me is not my valuable stuff - the money I've saved up will go to my mom (if she's still alive when I cack it) and my brother's family, with some targeted donations to Mercy Corps and some scholarship funds and my church (if it still exists). My piano will likely be held in trust for my niece if she has any interest in it; failing that, donated to my university or some other music school. (It is a GOOD piano - a Steinway). It's the little, "valueless" stuff - my Pony collection. All my stuffed animals. The paperback books I have. All the yarn and fabric. I don't want to saddle someone with disposing of it; I'd rather they just took the piano and any donatable furniture out of the house and set it ablaze to dispose of everything else. I don't even know what people do with all the stuff they accumulate. I can't bring myself to just box it all up and get rid of it NOW on the slight chance I'll catch the 'rona and die - but I also do NOT want my mom to have to deal with it, or my brother, or whoever I can hook into being my executor. And so it gives me ANXIETY. I don't want to live in an empty sterile box, but I don't want someone to curse me if I die because they have 80 vintage My Little Ponies and a bunch of Barbie dolls and an assortment of other junk to deal with.....)

So yeah, a lot of not-good feelings I am trying to paper over with looking at Ponies and rearranging my books and other displacement behaviors.

I hope eventually there is a better time, and I hope I make it to that better time.