Maybe, bribing myself

I know bribes are derided as a terrible parenting strategy (and what is trying to negotiate the world but working out some kind of dialog between your inner child and inner parent) but these are terrible times, so maybe bribing myself is how I get stuff done.

I already told myself that IF the Moominhouse toy house is still available when this summer is over and if I have finished 10 "continuing ed reading" books, I can order it. (I am on book 8 of 10. It's a slow slog but maybe after I mow the lawn today I do a couple more Pomodoros on it)

And yeah, I need to mow today. My leg is maybe at 95% and the lawn is TALL so I am a bit apprehensive (it's also very hot here - I have to eat in a minute so my breakfast has "settled" before 8 am, and I should go out around that time before it gets hot)

And even though I am trying to reduce, maybe I tell myself if mowing is hard (and edging; I should edge the lawn too), I can go and either get a frozen Coke or one of those cherry slushes Sonic does.

I also dreamed last night - weirdly - of ordering a little dollhouse kit and putting it together, maybe at some point I consider doing that. Though again, I am not sure where I would PUT it when it was done and really the DOING more than the HAVING is the thing with me. (That's also true sometimes of knitting or quilting these days; I have so many things already. Maybe I need to consider Hats for Sailors, or some other group, if they are still taking things, and just make some stuff for them)

I think part of this is just lowlying dread about "how am I going to make this work this fall?" I had to tell a student yesterday who e-mailed asking for an override into my intro stats class that I absolutely could not override anyone because we are trying to do smaller classes face to face, and with distancing, I cannot let anyone in over the limit. But also, who knows? We might hear next week we are all online. And I hate the uncertainty. And it makes me worry and feel ineffectual. I suppose lots of other professors are feeling the same thing but not seeing anyone else's struggle (I am not going to reveal how badly I am struggling to colleagues) makes me feel like I am the only one who is.

Summer is just bad anyway, and right now is extra bad with the looming anniversary. Hopefully it will get better when the weather cools a little. I am already hoping for fall to come early