ugh, human interaction

I had a meeting - an actual, in-person (outside on lawn chairs set 6' apart and most of us were in masks) tonight.

I was....longing for face to face human contact? Well, this wasn't it, chief.

It was hot. This was the longest I had worn a mask (an hour and forty-five minutes) and while I can do it, it's not terribly comfortable and I suspect come fall, if I'm teaching a couple hours a day in a mask, I'll probably see myself getting acne again, at least under the mask. But that was the least of it.

We were talking about "so what do we do for the future" and someone mentioned "well, there will be a vaccine some day" and someone else piped up with "but they JUST NOW have an effective preventative for AIDS that blocks HIV replication, and that took FORTY YEARS TO DO" and you know? I did not need to hear that. In forty years I will be 91, if I am even still alive. I don't think I can make 40 years of....this....

Also it seemed particularly badly chosen as one of the members had either a brother or a son (I forget which, now) who died of AIDS and I am pretty sure the person making the statement knew that. (I certainly wouldn't have said that in front of her, knowing that).

Another person wanted us to detach from the national leadership of this group because she disagrees vehemently with a couple of the political planks and she wanted to consider it NOW and I was like - as one of the people who handles a lot of the paperwork for this group - I was like "no, this is not the time, there is a pandemic on and the financial and tax implications of that would be a lot even in normal times but right now no" and was bracing to flatly refuse to help if it was pushed but eventually after some discussion the person backed down, for now. But, geez.

So I came home kind of shaken and unhappy with having to have been so forceful (uncharacteristic for me but trust me, I do NOT want to deal with the financial implication the detachment would involve, especially not right now) and I was like....so great that was my human interaction for the week. I left the house for this?

I have three separate stuffed animals in my arms right now. It helps a tiny bit maybe but I still feel jangled and sad even after a shower and putting on pajamas and the distance of maybe an hour.


Tomorrow is an oral exam of a student (actually attempt 2 and I am hoping they are better prepared) but if it goes badly I will ALSO feel bad for that.

And Monday is a dental checkup and I feel kind of cheated that the only things I have gone out for (or had as an interaction - the oral exam is via Zoom) - are things that are difficult and not fun. I am telling myself Tuesday or Wednesday of next week, maybe I go to Twin Oaks and buy some plans, and mmmmmaybe I see how hard it would be to do curbside pickup at Kroger and order some of the things I use that only they seem to sell (They have some import foods I use - like Golden Syrup, though I wonder if I'll even be able to get that any more, and also the Manischevitz brand thin egg noodles I like so much and NO ONE sells them locally and you can't mail order them, or at least I've not found a source)


I just....I'm hitting one of the periodic walls with the whole pandemic thing. Everything is so hard, and it seems the few interactions I get to have are not positive, and I am so lonely. And I realized today that teaching in-person might expose me to the virus and it's probably unlikely I'll get to see my mom at Thanksgiving or Christmas.....and the thought of trying to "celebrate" a "holiday" alone here just undoes me a little. I might just make a thermos of soup on Thanksgiving and spend the whole day in bed, drinking soup and reading because I can't. And no, there's no one I could glom on to for the day - if there's a chance I've been infected, I shouldn't go to the homes of any one from church, and anyway they all have families, so I will have to be alone.

And yeah, I'm having a little pity party tonight but.....there are just so many bad things and they all seem to have come at once and I am trying to figure out what lesson they are here to teach me or if the "when stuff happens it's a lesson" concept is a stupid concept and it's really just there's NO "narrative" whatsoever to life and everything is frighteningly random and bad stuff happens solely because it can happen and there's no consolation to be found anywhere....

I just desperately need something good, and not the stupid selfish little good of "oh hey the shampoo I ordered from Ulta came today" But I don't know what form that would or even could take in this horrible new timeline we've swerved into.

I'll be okay. I'm just angry at the world tonight. And probably over tired, a little bit.