Some Friday things

* I need to run out to Lowe's, probably tomorrow. The garage door is sticking again (one of the tracks is not perfectly true - because the garage is old and has settled unevenly - but lubricant helps). I need something called "white lithium," which I've used in the past and seems to work. And I need to take off the broken brass catch-plate for the screen door and see if they sell replacements.

it would be nice, In These Trying Times, if local stores put maps of their sections online so you'd have a general idea, in a store you don't shop at often, where you might find stuff. (Maybe Lowe's does, I'll have to look).

I mmmmmmmight look at their plants while I am there; I still have room in that back garden and I also need to do a bit more weed/brush removal there, which would open more spaces.

* I got more done on the horse pillowcases; the first one is almost done



* I also need some time to put bindings on the two completed quilts I have, and to hunt around and see if I have an appropriate backing for a floral-print one I have (it's the one shown in this post laid out on the floor - the one with the green background) and if I do, take it in some time to get it quilted. I THINK it's probably okay to go to the small local quilt store, even if just quickly and wearing a mask.

I need some fun or something that approaches normality. I've decided to give up on pick-up from wal-mart because (a) they are too frequently out of things and (b) I need the sense of control-over-my-own-life shopping in person gives me. I'll use Pruett's, just go early in the day and move fast and wear a mask.

* But yeah. Had kind of a bad day today because I was trying to make arrangements for my big intro class (37 people; it is supposed to be 36 and yes I am furious that during a freaking pandemic someone who was an advisor - someone in the advising center - saw fit to just cram another body in there, just because). And I felt kind of unheard and finally I was like FINE I WILL TEACH THE LECTURES ALL ONLINE THEN and everyone can like it or lump it, if I'm not getting any help in reserving a bigger room (faculty do not have any authority there).

And yeah, I have just felt rather unheard lately. Got talked-over a bit at faculty meeting. I get that Zoom is hard and sometimes if you're soft-spoken people can't always hear when you've started talking but it happened to me three times in a nearly two-hour long meeting that had six people present, so. I eventually just gave up and shut up and did stuff later by e-mailing the people I wanted to ask questions of.

* And then I got an e-mail from Japan Crate: "Oh hey your May crate got stopped at Customs and opened but it's still on the way, you "should" have it by June 15" and at this point I am like "blow a little MORE smoke up my skirt, why don't you." I don't believe any of these since March (the last one I received have even been SENT and my plan is, in late July, before my subscription renews again, if I haven't seen any of the crates I'm owed, I am just cancelling and writing them a fifth e-mail, this time explaining that I used to really love their service but they have now lost me forever because they kept putting me off. I know that international shipping is terrible right now, but....I got a package of biscuits from the UK in pretty decent time a month ago.

And then I wasted time seeing if there was a NEW subscription service, one that mails from the US rather than Japan, that I could do. I still get the Mrs. Grossman's stickers, and they've been excellent (they come from California) but that seems.....not quite enough. Especially In These Times when "fun" as I used to know it is cancelled for.....well, I don't know how long and I don't like to contemplate it because it makes me too sad to.

I tried cratejoy but couldn't find anything that was just right that didn't cost an absolute mint (the Japan Crate stuff was about $30 a month, which borders on More Than I Really Should Be Spending On Frivolities). Food is out because of my many food sensitivities and my bad teeth, anything that would melt in the summer (chocolate and candles) is out. I'm not wearing makeup much these days and I NEVER wear eye makeup. Books - well, I dislike most of what passes for best-sellers, and I have so many books on hand to read now I really shouldn't buy more. But it makes me sad and makes my inner child throw a tantrum that I am apparently being denied this tiny and truly cosmically insignificant source of joy, in the middle of a pandemic and terrible people saying and doing terrible things and a looming Greater Depression and everything, and I am screaming at the universe OKAY I GET IT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY THANKS SO MUCH

I don't know. I'd trade all the subscription services in the world for a safe vaccine faster than 2022, but I doubt that will happen.

But yeah, I feel like if I am having to endure a pandemic and the anxiety about teaching in the fall and will it be in person or online and if it's in person how will I "distance" people and is it true we will be expected to clean and disinfect the classrooms ourselves after every class we teach instead of someone who gets paid to have that as their main job instead of us doing it for free on top of everything else....well, I should at least be able to get some nice junk in the mail that is a gentle surprise every month. I mean, I can ORDER stuff but then I KNOW what is coming; part of the attraction of the boxes is, like I said, they are a gentle surprise every month.

I don't deal well with surprises so sometimes I think having some small good ones helps balance it out and helps me brace for the bad ones and weather them a little better. (I was not joking when I said on Ravelry that the boxes were maybe partly a mental-health helper for me)

* I get the sense from reading various social media that everyone is tired, everyone is frayed. People are snapping at each other or are laying down hard boundaries of Who Can't Be My Friend and it makes me tired and sad. I'm tired and frayed and lonely, too. And when I hear the You Can't Be My Friend stuff - even though I get where people are trying to go with it - I can only hear echoes of the schoolyard, of the kids who sneered and me and told me no one wanted me around, or to go away, or "ew, who told you you could sit with us" and....yeah.

Blogger won't let me upload pictures directly right now (Maybe the New Blogger broke something, or maybe they're trying to force us all onto it before the end of June), so I'll have to save something that I didn't make on Flickr and hope they don't get mad at me, but I want to share this:



'Cos that? That is a whole dang MOOD right there. I have felt all of those things in a regular cycle, some times within the same fifteen-minute span, through all of this. I used the word "cognitive load" on my colleagues yesterday even though I hate pop-psych terms but yeah, I am on the verge of tears a lot of the time and also most afternoons around about 5:30 I kind of want to punch a wall or something (except I won't; I value having functional hands too much).

I think the first of those images is the one I feel the most frequently, and the "hungy" one is the one I feel the least often.

But yes. The mood of the day is "not feeling heard" mixed with "I am very lonely and feel like I lack purpose" and "there is no fun left in the world to be had"

I should probably just go to bed and trust that tomorrow will be better somehow. Lowe's is not exactly a fun trip like the ones I used to do out shopping in the before-times, but at least it might accomplish something.