I took a voucher, hoping Amtrak will still be here, or that come Thanksgiving it will be safe enough to travel. I figured that made more sense (to wait and make plans later) than to try to make them now or just take the money back.
Even though I knew I had to do it, I was surprised at how sad and upset I felt afterward. (I did it over the phone, the website was terribly buggy today. I got a good person - cheerful and helpful and she got it sorted in no time. And yes, I was friendly and polite and thanked her, but when I signed off, yes, I felt gutted and had to shed a few tears).
I have learned a lot about alternate plans, and about living with "I want to do [thing], but [thing] isn't a good idea right now, so I'm not going to do [thing]"
I guess....I guess that's being an adult?
But yeah. Not getting to see my mom - not having been able to visit her since I left in January - is the hardest biggest thing. But there's other stuff I'm sad about:
- No real way to "mark" the end of the semester - there will be no graduation to go to, there will not be the "yay, I am taking the day to go antiquing" thing that I often do the Saturday between classes and exam week (so: would have been tomorrow).
- No chance to go hang out with my friend Laura who lives in Louisiana, no chance to go to oddball museums or goofy shops with her. I mean, I suppose I could go and just stay at her house and see her cats and watch dvds with her, but a ten hour round trip is a lot for that, and I'd have to stop and eat somewhere on the way and I'm not sure about restaurants, even as drive through, right now.
- No going out to church, instead sitting at home watching services on my computer. Not getting to see or talk to people. Not getting hugged, and even if we DO go back to in person services later this summer I expect I won't get hugged again for a long time. For someone who mostly lives without physical human contact (I don't have a lover, I don't have a child in the house to hug me), I find that those hugs or shoulder pats or even handshakes mean more to me than I realized.
- Teaching in person. It's been more time consuming and less fulfilling to do it online. I guess I did okay - a couple students said some nice things in e-mails - but it feels kind of hollow and not-very-pleasant to do, and while I'll certainly do it in the fall (and it may be the more common-sense way to do it) if I have to....it's not fun. The many tiny joys that I find in teaching are not there.
- No just running off to the Ulta or JoAnn's. (I guess, from what I've read in a Ravelry group, their website is struggling and the curbside orders are a mess at some locations. I will say I've ordered a couple times from Ulta while on lockdown and they have been pretty good - they warn of "longer ship times" but I have really not noticed that to be the case)
- In general, the loss of freedom: I used to regularly just run by the Pruett's after I was done for the day, and pick up a few groceries. I actually shopped a couple times a week as it turns out, and planning ahead for ten or fourteen days with a pickup order is hard. (also hard when you can't SEE the shelves; I have taken to setting my pick up time several days out in the future because I ALWAYS think of other things I have to add). Also the shortages/substitutions/things just not there. I can't get flour other than plain flour, I can't get rye bread, which used to be a staple item. I can't even make it because I can't get rye flour.
- And the loss of freedom in the sense of being able to go out to the store, and not worry about how close people were to you, or what you touched, and how LONG you were in the store - now I go in, spend as little time as I can, and get back home. Maybe that's more a loss of security? I don't know.
But all those things have been changes and I know they are arguably very much what are derided as First World Problems....well, I guess so. At this point I am not deeply worried about still having a job (but ask me again in eight months or so) and I don't HAVE to go out so I can choose NOT to go out, which I have mostly been doing (the Lowe's trip was the most unnecessary trip I have done in almost a month - prior to that it was either picking up groceries or a quick scuttle to the Green Spray. The only other "non essential" trip was picking up my quilt, and that was a one-on-one meeting with the quilt lady, and I was masked up, and she stayed more than 6' from me for nearly the entire transaction
(And yes - I went out to counseling, but that was probably an essential trip)
And it is wearing on me. A lot of the "mental health starts to decline a little" stuff is noticeable - I cry a lot more readily (I cried over cancelling my tickets), I get angry more easily. I don't sleep well. I feel....worn. Some of this is normal end-of-the-semester weariness, but this is more than is normal.
I'm not sure how to fix it; maybe it merely needs to be endured. There are a few bits of hopeful news trickling out - possible treatments (even one using llama plasma, which sounds absolutely bonkers, but seems to be a thing? And of course, MERS was probably a coronavirus that originated in camelids...) and possibly news of an eventual vaccine, maybe a bit quicker than the 18 months they were quoting before?
But still, it's long and tiresome and I can tell that being alone is wearing on me a lot. Or maybe not being alone so much as not being able to run out and DO things. There were times last summer when I literally went to Sherman or somewhere every week....
"Escapes" are fairly necessary. I have three more papers to read and apply comments to, and then I am washing my hair and getting into pajamas and maybe - since this chair is actually more comfortable for my bursitis-y hip than the recliner is - streaming something from Amazon Prime on my laptop (I have a lot of their free content saved up) and knitting.
And I restarted reading the "Book of Three" series - I read the first one ("The Book of Three") in the days after my father died; I don't remember a lot of it. I started The Black Cauldron and put it aside at some point but I feel ready to read through them now. And I need something where the "good guys" win, and where....I don't know....the "evil" is more supernatural and less simple-human.
I most recently read "The Carter of la Providence" ("The Crime at Lock 14" or "Maigret meets a Milord") - one of the early Maigret mysteries. And it was neat and interesting in the vanished-world sense, and the fact that it was basically set on a canal in Northeast France (rather than in Paris) and Simeonon is a writer I enjoy, still....as it wound down to its denouement, it got kind of depressing. None of the various suspects (even the ones who were cleared) were at all honorable, and outside of Maigret and Lucas, the only really likeable character was Hortense, the wife of the canal-boat owner (for whom the carter named in the title worked). And I need more likable characters in my stories - Taran is likeable, and the prince is likeable, and even the old dissembler Fflewder Fflam and the weird creature Gurgi have their likeable points.
I may take some time on Sunday and do some sewing; that might also help - I have two quilts left to bind and I also have a new top cut to start working on.
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