And that's done

I recorded my last lecture material for the semester this afternoon and just got it posted.

I feel kind of....sad? Maybe. Or maybe a little empty. This semester did not end the way I wanted it to. I miss my students, and I miss the hundred small bits of positive feedback I get in a week - now, most of the feedback I get is "this thing isn't working" or "I couldn't complete the assignment in the time allotted" and it makes me feel....kind of like a failure.

I don't like teaching this way.

I also wrote the next round of minitests today, and graded some labs that came in.

Tomorrow, I have to figure out the last lab for the one class, and prep and re-read the stuff for the advanced biostats class to be prepared. Maybe grade the most recent round of minitests.

It's a very limited life, and I don't like it.

Tomorrow, I have an "appointment" (I don't even know what you call them) to pick stuff up from wal-mart. Yes, I know I said I was going to use Green Spray, but they only have 2% or whole milk and I am sick of drinking 2%. I have used skim all my adult life and I want skim again. Hopefully the skim I ordered from wal-mart is still in stock (they will substitute, and you can refuse, if they don't have what you want). And I"m getting more eggs (I hope). If I do I might make egg salad for a meal. And more cider vinegar. It's hard, though, trying to visualize the aisles in my head and order what I want instead of just going to a store and picking it out.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that again - I mean, without my head on a swivel, not letting anyone get within 6' of me (preferably: 10') and wearing a mask and gloves and going as fast as possible so I can get my stuff and pay and scram....

I looked into the possibility of milk-delivery service here - in my mom's town, there's Oberweis, and you pay a premium, but at this point? I'd pay a premium to get milk brought to my house on a regular basis. But there's nothing. Same with meat or vegetables. There's Imperfect Foods, which I do, but it's a crapshoot as to what you can get in the box any given week, and there's Schwan's, which is too much processed stuff for my taste (I made an account mistakenly thinking they sold milk, but they do not - mostly frozen dinners and ice cream)

I don't know. There has to be a better way. Maybe small combi-type marts, but with drive through windows? And you order from a limited menu of stuff (dairy, meat, fresh fruit and vegetables, baked goods, maybe a few canned goods?) and you pull up and they hand you your bags? The problem with home delivery is it's very labor intensive, and in "normal" times (which we may never see again), most people aren't home....I can do Imperfect Foods now because I'm home on Fridays and will be for the next few months, but if we somehow go back to in person teaching? I probably won't be here to meet the box, and you have to get the stuff into the fridge fast.

It's hard when you live in the sticks.

I also just miss people. No, I am not agitating for "open it back up!" - it's not safe, we don't know enough (to within a freaking order of magnitude) what the actual infection rate is. We don't know enough about "aysmptomatic" or "presymptomatic" spreaders. It's not safe yet. But I still miss people and I miss going to the quilt store and I miss church and I miss Bell Choir and I miss just going and easily grocery shopping without feeling like it's a Quest and....oh everything. It's hard not to dwell on it.

I need to heat up some food, and maybe take a shower, and then plan on doing something to relax tonight. Writing those online exams kind of breaks me, it's very arduous and unpleasant.

I saw something today on Twitter, the claim was "If you feel like you hate everyone, you probably need to eat nutritious food, and if you feel like everyone hates you, you're probably overtired" and while there's probably some truth to that....still, the gremlins in my brain have been louder of late and telling them to shut up is harder than it was in the past. I realize now how much I depended on interaction with other people to....feel like I was loved, like I mattered. Talking to my mom on the phone three nights a week helps, but not completely. It's hard to feel like....like I'm WORTH mattering, all by myself.