No, this isn't any dire prediction about "social distancing came to late" but rather of a more personal nature.
I should have gone to bed an hour ago, before I started thinking dire thoughts.
You remember that bit in an early episode of The Simpsons where they showed what was going on in Homer's brain, and it was basically a Horace Horsecollar style cartoon character playing "Turkey in the Straw"?
this is the scene in my brain right now
full on anxiety. It alternates every 15 minutes or so:
- what if everyone I love gets sick and dies?
- what if we can never leave our houses safely again?
- what if my job just goes away, if our state legislature uses this as a reason to kill off the regional schools?
- what if **I** get sick and die?
And yeah, I know, worrying never got anyone anywhere. But it's very, very hard not to worry. I also have periods where I literally cannot believe this is happening.
But it is. And I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that it's rained all the time since Friday here so I haven't even really been able to be outside. I wouldn't GO anywhere other than my own backyard but I don't even have that now.
I know I hear these little reports of good news - people basically kitbashing ventilator systems for less money than thought possible, or news of the first trials of a vaccine, or the like, but....I am tired of my own company and worried and heartsick and AT BEST I can shut my brain up with cartoons or stupid YouTube videos or sewing for a little bit, but it comes creeping back in.
If we make it through this and I still have a job (and so: still have money) and counselors are still in business, I am going to have to see one. I'm becoming afraid to leave the house, afraid to NOT wash my hands after touching something that might have been outside, afraid I will run out of food. I know I am not supposed to fear but to trust instead......but that is so much easier at 7 am than it is at 10 pm.
Maybe tomorrow I experiment with "early dinner, and in bed as soon as it gets dark" to see if that helps.
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I did have some human interaction today: went to the dr. for my monthly INR check, by the pharmacy for an extra month's warfarin, to the vet for an extra month of Bella's Cushing's medicine. To see my mechanic: my elderly car smells hot sometimes when driving in town (lots of stop-and-go). His verdict was that nothing is leaking, oil is OK, and I "just don't drive enough" to do something or other, and not to worry. To Lowe's to buy plants and pots, because I suspect I will do better if I have things to take care of.
Oh, and stopped by my sister's office for five minutes of conversation, which was mostly of the "how are you doing" sort.
Better than nothing, but . . .
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