Thursday morning things

* We got a little snow here, but not enough to cause any problems. It's cold, but it's dry cold, so it actually feels less-bad (despite being colder on the thermometer) than yesterday did when there was a cold rain.

One of my students who lives over by Ardmore (where there was more snow and a lot of schools have closed) e-mailed me; she was concerned about having to cross the Roosevelt Bridge and I don't blame her; I don't like driving on it in GOOD weather, so I told her if she didn't feel like it was safe to drive in, she could make up the exam during my office hours tomorrow or Monday.

After we had that student killed in a car wreck trying to get to campus (this was some years back), I am always quick to tell students "if you don't think it's safe to drive in, don't come in." An exam can be made up. And if someone chooses to "play" me on that, that's on them, not on me. I'd rather someone who realized they didn't have their stuff together enough to get the studying done in time con me out of an extra day than someone get in a wreck trying to get here.

* I sent off a couple Valentine's cards (one to my mom, for example). I'm still not "excited" for the day this year (even though my mom did reveal she sent me something). I never am. It's probably a better holiday for kids (have a party at school, give cartoon cards to all your friends, maybe have your parents get you some small thing) or for long-time coupled people to give each other silly cards or some token item. But as I've said before: for people in the early stages of a relationship it causes a lot of stress about "is what I'm doing the right thing here" and for uncoupled people it does feel a little exclusionary. (And the whole "Galentine's Day" stuff, ugh. It seems too much like "enforced fun" and I dislike "enforced fun").

Anyway, I have to work that day. I am giving an exam. And I know, I know, the day after is traditionally "half price chocolate day" but around here? The stores scoop all the leftover stuff and it just....goes away, and they put out the Easter candy at full price. Yes, before Lent even starts.

(My birthday this year falls the day after Ash Wednesday. I do not think I am going to give up sweets this year or give up shopping for frivolous things, both things I did in the past. I'm just....I'm kind of broken this year and I feel like I need to hang on to every comfort I can have. On one hand, I feel like I SHOULD do something, on the other hand....last year was just such a bad year, and the start of this year has not been wonderful so far. One year I did more devotional reading and did it every day but right now I'm so busy? It would mean maybe giving up a half-hour of sleep to do it? And I'm not sure that's good.)

* I am kind of at the point where I feel like I am doing more than I can do, that this pace isn't sustainable (four classes, where one is a new prep, plus outside volunteer work, plus extra at-work volunteer work over and above what I normally do, plus all the life-maintenance tasks though I will note I am falling down badly on keeping my house clean or keeping up with the laundry).

I think if anyone suggests I do a new prep of any kind in the next two years I am going to refuse, on the grounds that (a) I have taken on two new preps in the past couple years - one on short notice, (b) I am teaching four classes in the fall and really, four in the spring (five if you could Directed Readings), (c) I am now one of the more-senior faculty, and (d) if the university needs more classes covered in this department they can darn well open up another tenure line and let us fill it. We have been down anywhere from a person-and-a-half to two people (depending on how you count it) for ten years, and right now we're filling in for another departure with someone who is temporary full time. The university has a choice: let the department contract and teach fewer classes, or let us hire enough people so we're not working our current people to death.

I probably am way overinvesting in my teaching, at  least judging by how a colleague or two does it. But I don't know. It's hard for me to accept less than doing my "best" on stuff even if doing my "best" all the time is killing me.

* I dunno. I am in one of those periodic funks with the whole world where everything seems very much, and it seems at every turn you learn that most people (or so it seems) are really terrible jerks, and....I don't know. I know we're supposed to extend mercy but in some cases the things the person did are just so bad. And our culture seems - at least some corners of it - to have forgotten about mercy. And I am sure there are some who would judge me harshly in many ways. Being human is hard.

* I also felt very cold yesterday afternoon when I got home, and was starvingly hungry (and wound up eating some....not very good for me stuff). And for a while I felt weak and lightheaded (which was partly why I quickly pounded down some sweet carbohydrates, thinking "maybe this is a blood sugar dip?") after I had lifted a couple loads of heavy old journals into the trash. And I've been crabby and despairing. And I looked at a calendar....yeah, about 28 days from when I felt this way before, though this time I don't have the chesticle tenderness. It would be truly stupid if my body went "menopause coming up? That means get more regular in your cycles, right?"

Or maybe this has been happening all along and because it was only partial symptoms (like hunger and crabbiness) that I didn't notice it, thinking I was DONE.

Or it could just be a periodic remanifestation of grief. A couple things this week made me think of my dad again and I miss him again.

(This morning, someone referencing on Twitter the "free speech is great 'cos you find out who the clowns are" and my dad often said something similar, though he used a harsher word than "clowns")

*Though also, the whole "lifting some stuff way too heavy for me yesterday" could explain the hip and lower back pain I have this morning. I took a Tylenol with breakfast but I am displeased at the pain, and changed shoes YET AGAIN for today. Someday I will find a shoe style that will make me not hurt after several hours on my feet standing on a thin layer of tile over concrete (what our floors are) and I will hope they never discontinue that style...

Metaphorically, though: "lifting stuff way too heavy for me" kind of describes this past 6 and a half months. So it's probably no wonder I feel psychologically battered some times, and my tolerance for stuff is less, and my memory has holes in it, and I just don't have the mental and emotional stamina I once had.

I really hope this summer - I will not be teaching and can use it a bit as a time to recoup - is going to be uneventful. Hoping nothing happens to my mom, and my brother and his family stay healthy, and my friends all are doing well.

* AAUW is tonight though the president said she'd cancel if the weather is bad and I confess I would not be heartbroken if that happened. (I am secretary so it's easier to just go than it is to find someone to cover for me, even though I'm tired and would like an evening off). At least I am off the hook for hostessing; I was scheduled to do it this month but then the person scheduled for November couldn't do it, so we traded, and I am grateful we did. Though often with AAUW it's enough to swing by the store and get a pre-made cheese tray and cut up fruit and do that; with CWF they expect dessert. (And that's Monday, so Sunday afternoon I guess I will be baking a cake, though I kind of know what I will do - the good old hot milk sponge, which is simple, and make a penuche frosting my mother told me about. One person is very allergic to chocolate so I always try to do a non-chocolate thing, even if my first choice might be that. Some times I have done something complex or tried out a fancy new recipe, but not this time.

Edited to add:

* I've been doing this much more of late, but maybe I do it one more time, because I'm too busy and too tired and too sad, but instead of trying to cook dinner or deal with leftovers that will keep for another day, I get carry out from the good barbecue place downtown (you can even order online now and not have to talk to a person until you walk in there).

I feel a need for sweet potato fries. And some kind of meaty entree. The other side, I don't know...maybe beans, maybe a potato dish. But something. It would be nice to have food I didn't have to fix. Yes, it's an expense and maybe more calories and definitely more sodium than I need but when I thought of it just now it seemed such a comfort to do....I could stay up here after lab and work, and then order shortly before I head for home, and just swing by there and get it.

And anyway: it's supporting a good small local business. (Not that they seem to be struggling, they are frequently very busy, but I like voting with my wallet in that way, supporting something that is good and that I like)