Got my letter

So I was sitting in my office, working away, trying to read the next chapter of stuff, and one of my colleagues walks in*


(*Yes, I would prefer some prior warning or a knock or a "do you have a minute right now" but that's how workplaces are now)

He hands me a letter and says "proficient, proficient, proficient" and "I don't know why but we have to sign these all now" and I sigh and go yeah and glance at it and pick up my red pen and start to sign it.

THAT is how tired I am. I didn't even stop and think,"Wait, the PTR committee meeting for my colleague is tomorrow," somehow my brain blipped ahead to "here is his letter, you need to sign it" (I guess because last time they came sealed in an envelope, all very confidential?)

Anyway. My colleague kind of laughed and said, "No, look, it's YOUR letter, we rated you proficient."

And I have to explain something right here: "proficient" is the BEST rating in this broken system. There are literally two possibilities: you are "proficient" or you are "deficient."

To me, that feels sad. I mean, I guess they do it In The Name Of Fairness, but it's frustrating to do the equivalent of preparing a promotion packet every three years and then getting back a single word that makes it sound like "She manages to remember to show up to class, and usually doesn't have food spilled down her front." I mean, to me, "proficient" sounds very damning with faint praise, like "at least she manages not to drool most of the time"

but oh well. I guess sometimes in life you take the W and move on.

And I guess it is good they didn't list any areas for improvement this time - though it's also entirely possible that after the first round of PTRs, someone somewhere declared that they had been too "harsh" and now ONLY should suggest improvement if the person is genuinely in danger of being deficient. They did note "Dr. [fillyjonk] has taught students on her own* for no additional compensation as have many of us" (emphasis added) and I really wonder if that's a wee tiny jab at the administration that wants us to run so lean it's killing us. (We've tried to make the case for "we really need two more faculty" in the past). So maybe my sacrifice there counts for something eventually ("I volunteer as tribute")

(*meaning: the arranged classes)

Anyway. I still feel bad about the biostats class yesterday. I am working hard to prep for next week - have done about an hour and a half today, can maybe get in another hour before lab, and I've told myself it I push myself to stay late after lab, if I stay up to a 'reasonable' time to go get dinner (like: 5 pm), I can just order myself a pizza for carry out and have that for dinner. Not the most healthful option but sometimes you just need pizza.

Tomorrow will mostly be a "lost" day - PTR meeting for a colleague, two classes, search committee meeting, lab. I will literally be working without a break from 8 am until 3 pm.