TMI, but WTH...

If you are the praying type, please send up some of that good stuff on my behalf.

I am 50 years old. Will be 51 in February. As far as I thought, I was in menopause - last monthly was, as far as I can remember, February 2018.

the complicating issue is that I was never exactly 'regular' during my regular years, and in fact for a time was on the hormonal birth-control pill to try to regulate things.

Well, last week, I had some symptoms (avoiding TMI) that made me go "if I didn't know better, I'd say this was PMS"

Last night I had some (sorry about this, so sorry) "spotting" and this morning, surprise! I'm glad I still had feminine-hygiene supplies but this is a very bad surprise.

If it hadn't been nearly 2 years, I'd write it off as "weird bodies are weird and I guess I'm not done with menopause yet" BUT there are other things that can make this happen, from a benign hyperplasia (which I guess is treated with hormones)  all the way up to uterine or endometrial cancer.


I am hoping if it's either of those last 2, because this is the first weird sign I've had, it's very very early, and I'm not going to die. Or, well, not going to die yet, one of the things 2019 taught me too explicitly is that we're all mortal.

I messaged my doctor, figuring "but you'll chicken out about it if you wait" and she wants me to move up my fasting bloodwork and get an ultrasound. And not the EASY kind of ultrasound like you see pregnant women getting on TV. No, ultrasound with a PROBE.

She did say "I am probably being overly cautious here" but I am still scared. Really scared. Part of it is I am just afraid of pain, and I know from past experience with pelvic exams that the ultrasound is going to be quite uncomfortable for me (both physically and mentally) and also I'm just scared about....what if I have to have surgery? Or what if I have to go on chemo? I already pretty much tanked my teaching last semester because of being in grief, I don't think I could do teaching on chemo brain. (Yes, I'm catastrophizing here)

I called my mom to tell her and also to verify. No, none of the recent generations of female relatives had any cancers anything like this (but they also all had children, and not-having-children can be a risk factor). She also reminded me that weird bodies are weird and "oh, I had something like that happen" but when pressed, she admitted it wasn't as long of a time gap as I had.

So, I don't even know. I need to finish my post-tenure review packet and I've been picking at it this morning but to be honest, it feels really....futile....if maybe I'm going to be dead or on disability and unable to teach by this fall.

I really would like my life to suck a little less, thanks.

On reviewing her messages: she did say "this is very common in perimenopausal women" so maybe it's not such a huge concern, and she's just "I want to make sure it's not the bad thing that there is a .01% chance of, and be able to tell you "yeah, your body is just being weird"? I hope.


This is the first big health scare I've had, and I realize sadly, it almost certainly won't be the last. Ugh. How do people DEAL with this? It's hard not to think about it

***

Still anxious about this (finally at home). Bloodwork has been moved up, checkup has been moved up. I am HOPING this is my doctor knowing I worry about these things and is being compassionate and not that she things something is really, really wrong.

There is apparently about a 0.03% incidence (on average) of uterine cancer and I'm telling myself the odds are really good that all this is is "your body is being dumb and weird" but I still worry.

I called my mom in tears again and got a promise from her that if I have to have surgery, she can come down here and stay with me during and after it. That would at least solve the problem of "who will look after me if I cannot" but I really, really don't want it to come to that.

the good news, apparently, is that regular exercise (which I have been doing since I was 24) lowers your risk (even though being fat raises it) and not having a family history of it is also a good thing.

The upside I guess is I'm telling myself Monday after the fasting bloodwork I can get a donut. I normally never eat them (though I like them) but I figure (a) right after bloodwork is probably the "best" time to eat something like that and (b) if something is really wrong with me, screw it, I'm not going to live my last six months or whatever on salad and steamed fish.