This is me

I sometimes read MetaFilter. I know, I know, and I haven't joined it because I know I wouldn't fit in there and I'd probably say something declared "slightly wrong" and get piled on for it, and the level of snark and sometimes class-judginess (or geographic-judginess; some people there still stereotype those who live in the US South) is a problem. And there are strong strains of both "whataboutism" and "but haven't you considered...." and then bringing up the most unusual and isolated possible thing and trying to make the other person feel bad for not considering it; there does seem to be a lot of what I would tongue-in-cheek describe as "dominance mounting" behavior*

(*Yes, THAT kind of "mounting." It sometimes happens non-sexually in animals, especially young ones, because jumping on another animal's back like you are mounting it to mate....well, I wonder if the "middle finger" is a very distant echo of that in humans, except with more of a "get lost" and less of a "I am dominant to you, bow to me" sense)

But sometimes there are things that are interesting or give me insight into interpersonal relations. This is where I learned about "guess" vs. "ask" cultures, and that was kind of mind-changing, because I am very very much a "guess" person and I got tired when people would ask me for stuff that seemed absolutely outrageous, and I wondered WHY they were even asking when they should have KNOWN the answer would be no....and realizing that some people just ask away, even if they think there's less than 1% of a chance of a yes....well.

There was another one today, about "What does it mean when someone calls you 'earnest'?" and I admit I cringed at some of the responses (and realized I probably wouldn't fit in in the UK or Europe, heck, I fit in badly enough in some parts of the US) because several respondents were like "ha ha ha, being earnest means you are an EXHAUSTING YOKEL to deal with"

But then someone called Stacey posted this comment and yikes, except for the "Ask Culture" thing, that is ME. People have to regularly tell me "Oh, I was kidding" - I never quite got the "let's do lunch sometime" as a polite brush-off; it took me years to realize they weren't ACTUALLY offering an invitation to go to lunch, it was more a "look at the time [how do I get rid of this exhausting person] I have to go so let me put them off with a check my mouth will write but that my brain will refuse to cash." I am also the person who loves things unambigiously and unironically and sometimes someone snarking on or pointing out something bad about something I love will actually make me stop loving it and I will be a little bit crushed.

And yeah, the whole "possibly being hurt" thing. Over the years, starting with grade school and being made fun of for loving things (like: "The Muppet Show"), I slowly managed to build up more or less of a protective layer. Not of snark, I can't usually do that, but of sort of detachment or arms-length quality. I've had people tell me that either I was "really hard to get to know" or "you have a lot of things about your personality I never realized" and yeah - growing up in the American public school system often beats the "uncool" parts of you (which are actually what make you interesting) out of you, or teaches you to cover them up. Heck, I even had TEACHERS who fundamentally told me "be more normal" (though not in such obvious words) as a defense against bullying.

And yeah, the sarcasm and snark thing. I can sometimes do it about situations or media properties, but I can't do it to people, and when a group of people communicates with each other in that way, I can't quite jibe with it and it makes me uncomfortable. And when someone is snarky or ironic to me? I usually interpret it as "they don't like me, they are trying to drive me away" and unlike the kid I was, adult-me generally complies and wanders off and marks that person in my mind as Does Not Want To Be Friends.

When that's often a misinterpretation. I have been told many times, especially since I moved here, that "when someone teases you, it's a sign they like you" but the thing is? When I was a kid? Being teased was actually a sign they didn't, and it's hard for me to change my thinking on that or accept that there's anything other than a tiny core of hostility underneath the teasing. Because that's not how I relate to people. I might joke about the silly situation we both find ourselves in, or I might share a really bad pun.....but making fun of someone for who they are is not something I can do. (I can maybe very mildly tease someone over a habitual behavior, but somehow that feels different than attacking who they "are" and I know sometimes my friends have laughed and rolled their eyes and said "Yeah, I'm trying to stop doing that, thanks for reminding me")

But I admit it does sting a little to think that some people find the way I just...am*... kind of "exhausting" and how they wish I'd be more sarcastic or cynical.

(*I suspect this is very very much a brain-wiring thing, like my literal-mindedness, which is probably RELATED to my earnestness. So to have people find me exhausted for how my neurons work is both sad and baffling to me).

Another story: I once went to a memorial service for a man who had done a lot in the LGBTQ community (he was someone I had known, not well, but had known well enough to like). And I was kind of startled at the ....what I interpreted as hostility?....some of his friends incorporated into their eulogies, even using words to describe him (and others) that....well, as someone not in that community, I was taught never to use. And I sat there kind of baffled because it was different from my experience....but I guess that's just how some people relate to each other, and under the snark and hostility there's actually love? (I was told later that "often people who are in the LGBTQ community, especially men, relate to each other in that way, because of the history of hostility they faced for being who they are" so maybe yes? ) And it's expressed in what sounds to an outsider like a loathing or self-loathing way? So I guess there is maybe a matrix of how this works:

Underlying feeling is love......expressed as openness and love and silliness (and that's how I am)
Underlying feeling is love.....but is expressed with irony and snark (that is what I saw at Steve's funeral, though some of what was said was considerably more than "irony" in my mind)
Underlying feeling is love....expressed with sort of neutral quiet civility, maybe this is some very shy people? Maybe I project this to some people who don't realize how I care about them because I've had the more flamboyant friendliness squelched because of rejection?

Underlying feeling is dislike.....expressed with sort of a chilly civility (which is how I'd react to someone I actually disliked, though there are very few people I do)
Underlying feeling is dislike....expressed with very affected love (the stereotypical b*tchy "Southern Belle" or sorority-girl type; the kind where you check your back for a knife after they hug you)
Underlying feeling is dislike....expressed with irony and snark (which is what I experienced from other kids much of my growing-up years).

 But it's all very hard, isn't it? Because everyone is so different and sometimes it's hard to figure out the underlying feelings from the outward actions. (I've very occasionally experienced the "gushy person who turns out actually not to like you" and it's always discombobulating to me to find out and I go "why was this person nice to me if they didn't like me?")