need to move

I need to get up from here and do something until it's time (in a bit more than an hour; no Sunday school today) to go to church. But I'm sitting here feeling a little sad and listening to mournful 60s pop like this:



Part of this is being tired from traveling, part of this is the let-down after spending two weeks with someone who likes to cook and who would go "would you like chicken croquettes for lunch?" or something and then the food you agreed to would "magically" appear without your having to cook it. I have healthful food in the fridge now - I was careful about what I bought - but of course it takes more preparation.

Part of it is realizing I have to put Christmas away today and tomorrow. Tentatively my plan - and what I should be doing now - is to put the "critters" and small impedimentia and the wreath and Advent calendar away tomorrow, and tackle the tree tomorrow evening. (Tomorrow is "real" Epiphany, so no, it's not too late)

But I was trying to decide: Do I do Valentine's Day decorations this year? (I mean, as much as I ever do, which is not much). I have a "wreath" - really a foam heart-shape with pink silk rosebuds on it. But I'm not "feeling" Valentine's much this year, because of various reasons. (Mainly: a realization that someone I thought low-level cared about me really doesn't, that much).

I was in the Kroger's yesterday and they had all the Valentine's Day junk out already, and when I looked at it, my stupid goblin brain went "You literally have no one who would want you as their Valentine" and even though I did my best to stuff that thought down, it still did sting a little bit. I mean, I'm 50, I've never really "had" anyone for long, so I shouldn't expect that to change. And the dating world is such a cesspool that in the cold light of day, I'd really rather remain alone than deal with that whole mess. But still. It's human, I think, to want the thing you don't have.

And the whole thing that some intentionally unpartnered people (like nuns, especially uncloistered ones who work in day to day life), about how not having a "special someone" means you are free to love all of humanity - well, the darn thing is, humanity doesn't exactly love you back. And yes, that's selfish of me, I know, but one thing that has tired me out a lot about 2019 (or maybe I just realized in 2019 how tired it made me) is the sheer amount of energy I put out to other people - encouraging them, helping them, cheering them on - but sometimes when I could use a little bit of that* I don't get it

(*Yes, I am still talking about how I asked three damn times for help with the assessment stuff when my heart was literally breaking and I was having crying meltdowns in my office because I didn't know how I'd do everything people wanted me to do, and I heard CRICKETS and also when I made a comment to a colleague about how I hoped the eventual new hire we're getting maybe could eventually take it over from me, and getting some comment about that the last person just did it until they left and I do NOT want to be doing this every year for the next 10-15 years....)

And yeah, my comment from earlier about how I'm probably a good bit less saintly than many people in the kind of position I'm in still stands. But I do wonder if other people in the "caring" professions (and college teaching is less "caring" than many, though often we are pressed by those in the fancy offices to care much harder than we have energy for - especially on a campus with a lot of students struggling for various reasons, and where MAYBE some resources other than faculty goodwill and energy should be spent providing them help)

And I also had people tell me stuff, when I was down about being so alone, "But remember that God loves you" and yes, yes, but.....when you have to go to the dentist for a crown prep and you're scared, you can't FEEL God holding your hand in the waiting room like the way someone who loved you might.

I dunno. I suppose there's nothing someone can say in a situation like that that's exactly helpful.

I just really hope this semester is better but seeing as I teach three lab classes and I have an arranged class that I'm shooting for Tuesday afternoons for - well, most days I will be on campus from 7 am until 4 pm at least, and no chance at going home for lunch (which was very much a welcome respite). I only get that on Fridays, and only some Fridays. I stocked up on easily-portable fruit* and am going back to the "cheaper and less-sugary plain yogurt that I then portion out into glass jars" after just buying the little pots of the flavored stuff all fall (because I couldn't with the portioning, it just felt like too much on top of everything else) but I admit I get really tired of taking a lunch every single day (and buying lunch is out of the question: nothing even remotely healthful close to campus, and a couple days I have only 45 minutes for lunch before lab.... so even the campus cafeteria, which is a 10 minute walk from my office and is usually super busy, is out)

(*Though my mandarin oranges are going over to church today. We are undecorating and I had a message asking me to bring "something sweet or fruit" to that and while probably no one would fault me if I just said "no, because I got home at literally 3 pm yesterday" I figured, easier to just bring the mandarins and replace them from the local grocery later)

Really, it gets to be such a drag both working full time AND trying to take care of myself and my house. I can't imagine how single parents do it, though I guess once the kid gets older you can enlist them to do some chores around the house.