Somehow, this just morphed into one of those "don' wanna" days.
It's not that I'm so very tired or anything, I just don't want to do stuff. I have a small pile of "hangover" grading (mostly: people out sick that needed to make up an exam) and I am slowly writing another exam....
I cancelled field lab because I genuinely thought it was going to be raining and the very....maternalistic, I guess you'd say, person at motor pool was on my case about "Are you going to cancel the van, the weather's supposed to be bad" and I did....and now, dangit, the sun is shining. But whatever.
I have research I COULD be working on but I think all I can force on myself this afternoon is to finish this exam and maybe do the grading. It's just....I don't want to do stuff. I don't know why.
Part of it might be I did have several people ask "over and above" stuff of me this week. And I had someone come to me and complain about an "unfairness" I did not cause, had no power or authority to alleviate, and about which I had suggested a workaround already. And I admit, the sort of selfish side of me popped up (but did not emerge, I didn't say anything): Why is this person burdening me with this? Why are they griping to me? They know what I've dealt with all fall. While they haven't seen as MUCH as either my chair or my Best Frolleague Forever, they have seen me frustrated and in tears.
My general MO in life is to try not to add to the burden someone else already has; I thought that was kind of generally understood as a thing. And sitting there where someone gripes at you about something you are powerless to fix is a burden to me.
I also had to go to Lowe's yesterday for some Plastic Wood to fix a little thing at home. Went on my lunch break, which was a mistake (never, ever, ever run an errand on an empty stomach). I found the Plastic Wood fast enough - it was where I thought it would be - but then wound up in line for seemingly 15 minutes. Was on the point of abandoning it and leaving (despite the sunk cost of the time) when finally the service desk offered to check people out and I RAN to avoid the person with the cart (who had got in line a good bit after me) getting there ahead of me.
Yes. There was one checker open over the noon hour, when many people run errands. And the person she was trying to help....well, first they wanted to break up their order and pay separately for parts of it (because of, I suppose:) one of the people had a discount card for some of the stuff.
But. The card didn't work. The person with the card kept telling the checker to "type in the number AGAIN" and the poor checker did and I don't know what was up because the card didn't work. The checker called *twice* for a manager's help and no one came. (They were still there when I left, so I don't know how it got resolved).
But yeah. It made me irritated and sad. I had thought of taking a little time to look at the Christmas stuff they had out, but didn't, in the interest of getting home faster. And at that, I didn't get home any faster, in fact, if I'd gone to look at the Christmas stuff maybe I'd have spent the time looking at ornaments instead of low-level fuming in line...
I have been spending a little time looking on Etsy at the listings for "Vintage Christmas Ornaments" because that is very much my jam right now. I admit I was kind of tempted by a 1970s era Peanuts one (characters in comic-strip form screened (?) onto a standard glass ball) but also some of the older ones - the kind that pre-date me - appeal. (We had a few of those, some from my parents' first young-married trees in the 60s, a few inherited from grandparents).
No, I haven't bought any. I'm not even sure about ordering (to be sent through the mail) vintage glass tree ornaments....it would be a great disappointment if they got broken in shipping.
And anyway: I have enough ornaments. I am hard pressed to fit them all on the tree now, even with the newer bigger tree. And I have a few new ones - I ordered the Hallmark "Seashell" My Little Pony ornament and she has been sitting on my coffee table waiting for the tree, and I bought a few small reproduction heavy-glass rustic ornaments in Sulphur Springs, and I have the Giant Microbes ornaments an ITFF friend sent me.
But I still might....I still might go next weekend (?) and go antiquing and see if anyone has any cool ornaments for sale because I love just a big goofy mix of ornaments, old and new, reverent and kitschy, different colors, different styles.
(And I still plan to maybe clean up the place Friday night and mmmmmaybe erect the tree, and then decorate it - and do more general decorating - Saturday.
But yes. I very much want to shift my thinking for at least a while:
- away from work
- away from the more existentially of existential worries
- on to fun things and pretty things and nice things and things that remind me of the happier parts of my childhood
Tonight I need to bake two quick-breads for AAUW tomorrow. I think I need to get a second glass loaf pan....I know I have ONE but I am quite sure I don't have a second one. So I suppose that means a Mart of Wal run...
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And, dangit, I nearly forgot to submit the monthly "early report" (not so early now) on grades....we have to do this every month even though most faculty give 24/7 grade access on the CMS. But we still have to.
And we're asked to give some kind of "affirmation" like "keep up the good work" if they are earning a good grade.
And I usually do.
Not this month: I'm headachey and pressed for time and frankly, the pouty-child part of me has risen up and gone, "No one EVER tells me at work that I'm doing a good job, why should I tell a dozen or so people that they are? There's no reciprocity"
and of course, my Inner Critic pops up and says: "Yes, but, the job you are doing right now is not very good, is it?"
And yeah, my inner Pouty Child has been very near the surface lately, I know. But some days - like today - it is very hard to muster the desire to....well, just about anything. Oh, I do it, because my sense of duty is strong. But I feel like I'm constantly being asked to do more, to give more, and I'm running on empty right now.
And I do feel bad I'm not doing a better job, but I think my work is just going to suck for a while longer and I will have to live with that (as will other people). I literally tried to hand something out twice in class today....handed it out, handed back a graded thing, then tried to hand the handout out again and went, "Wait, they didn't make enough copies!" until a student reminded me I'd already handed it out and I don't even REMEMBER having done that and that's both weird and scary and I hope my brain isn't broken.
But yes, now I will get to Mart of Wal JUST IN TIME for the after-work, after-school rush, unless I bake the quick breads in two different sets and wash the pan in between and I don't know which one makes me want to cry more, frankly. (Probably the double-time and washing in between, even though I'll have to wash the mixing bowl in between...)
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