so, okay, yeah

Had my annual meeting evaluation thing today. My chair asked me: I know you've been stressed out, have you considered counseling?

I said I was already doing it (just, not on a v. regular basis and I did not say that) but ugh, now I don't know how to parse that, and because I overthink EVERYTHING, now I am overthinking that.

So I guess what I need to do is

Yeah, I need to make myself be more stoic at work.

If I don't, it will probably badly affect future evaluations. And, rage all you want, but this is the modern workplace: you're not permitted to have bad things happen in your outside life that might affect your performance. So I guess that's the particular overthinking I do.

I also found out the evaluations (which I did not get back) for one class last year were lower than typical, and "why? was that an unusual class?" and honestly? I don't even REMEMBER last year's class at this point so I can't tell you. (And this year's class....well, it's the section where I'm still reeling a bit from the student I talked about yesterday).

I dunno. I guess I just have to accept that my life is going to suck for a while yet and do my best not to let the suck bleed into my work. It's not suck I asked for, and maybe not suck I deserved*, but it's suck that can't affect my performance. So OK.

Knitting content will probably be light for a while yet. Or maybe I just end the blog, I don't know, I know I am boring right now.

(*I am JUST Calvinist enough to assume that we deserve the bad stuff that happens to us)


EDITED TO ADD: Maybe I need to clarify. It's entirely possible this is a misperception issue on my part and it was much more innocent than what I read into it. Could have been:

Chair: "Have you tried counseling" (subtext: I'm worried about you, you have not been as happy and even-keel as normal, and I know you're dealing with  a lot)

Me, what I hear: "You're dragging down the whole department! You need to stop bringing your problems to work!"

I suspect very strongly it's the first of the two (that she is concerned and just isn't good at expressing it, and she knows EVERYTHING I am dealing with). This is someone who is....very private and is not always very open, so I really bet it is the first. But yeah, I need to toughen up a little anyway.


Also, driving home for lunch.....someone apparently abandoned a car that had been absolutely totaled on the side of the road, and it reminded me of the two people I lost recently (and several people in the past) I lost to car wrecks, and dangit, it made me sad all over again.

I want stuff to stop reminding me and making me randomly sad. The problem is, when it's unexpected stuff like that, it kind of blindsides me.

(I am generally like that. Back shortly after I lost a cousin to suicide, King of the Hill made a suicide joke (I think it was Bill? At Christmas? Because he was alone?) and I just turned the tv off and walked away, and it was a long time before I watched that show again.)