not good day

I won't go into all the details, but if I didn't need this gig so badly I would have quit today.

I am so far behind I will NEVER catch up.

If I hadn't bought the supplies for the meatballs I had promised for tomorrow already, I'd just bail on making them. I am angry and sad and tired and I have about five hours of stuff left to do I HAVE to do, plus I have to get home to wash my hair and my mom is calling tonight.

Adulthood is just saying "Maybe next week will be better" over and over again until you die, I guess.

I kept hoping someone would come and help me, every single one of my colleagues walked by where I was working and none of them offered help. I guess they're done with me or something. So fine. I never get help ever when I need it, good to know that.

That just means: I harden my heart and never offer help when someone needs it. I can't deal with the inequality of it any more, where I am always giving and then when I need something I can't get.

9 1/2 years until I can retire with full benefits. IF I make it.

At this point, as I'm trying to catch up, if someone walks by and says something I am going to be all DON'T TALK TO ME. BUSY.

if I weren't stupidly diligent, I'd take a "sick" day tomorrow...call in claiming a stomach virus....and just stay home and watch old movies. But I know I'd feel too guilty to be able to enjoy it.

NOBODY cares about me. NOBODY. I give up.

****

I also got a call from a neighbor....another package misdirected. This is two in one week. I called the PO and told them about it but I bet they do jack-all, their attitude is probably "she gets too many packages anyway" and I guess I can't even have the small comfort of ordering crap online, so that means I'm doomed to either only be able to shop at wal-mart or the times I can get out of town somewhere.

Maybe I DO need to quit this job and just move away. If only there were somewhere where people actually gave a crap about me, I'd move there.


****

Part of it is I am seeing lots of other people have successes, and it just reminds me that my work this fall has been utter crap. Absolutely not up to my standards, not even halfway there. And I can't get any better. Maybe I've peaked and my work from here on out will always be crap. And at the end of my life, my last thought will be "Damn. I didn't do anything worthwhile and I didn't even really have any fun." Very much feeling "why was I even born" right now.