more mixed feelings

Super grumpy this morning, because I'm just tired, and I feel like these days I never have time to just "be."

Piano lesson is this afternoon and my house is a MESS. I am going to have to try to set enough time at lunchtime to clean it, or at least put away stuff in the living room and get the floors swept.

I'm also just still frustrated at the world. I feel like I work so hard, and I spend so much agony on worrying that I'm not sufficiently "good" and then I see people doing literal crimes (e.g. embezzlement, a common thing in my part of the world) and then going on TV pleading that they were done wrong, that they didn't mean any harm, that their lives are hard, etc., etc.

(And I think of my mother, who once snorted, "We were poor but we never would have thought of stealing" (referring to her growing up years) when some person or other in the past pleaded on the tv that they 'really needed the money' and that was why they defrauded people).

And I'm tired of dumb little things going wrong and upsetting me - like the driver's license thing yesterday. And this morning, I could not get the catch on my necklace to work, and I fussed at myself - had I had a STROKE? Why can't I do this any more? (in reality: I think this is a catch I've always had trouble with and I probably need to find more of those magnetic set ups and install them on this necklace). But yeah. I am still not back to "normal" in terms of memory or ability to concentrate or not-being-a-little-clumsy or being on a more-even keel emotionally and I am SO frustrated that I'm not.

I'm also a little sad in anticipation. I am expected to read part of what is called a Litany of Forgiveness (ugh, and I don't like the idea that we're being asked to forgive as a part of the leave-taking, the whole public-asking-for-forgiveness thing is kind of uncomfortable and weird to me; I would much prefer if there was someone clearly and genuinely wronged, that the forgiveness be asked personally and in private, and the "leave taking" merely be that). I really don't want to do it but I will. I fear I will cry, as I've said before - partly because I hate goodbyes and have had altogether too many of them this fall, partly because I'm worried for the future of the congregation. But I'll do it.

The worst part of adulthood, the absolute hands-down worst part, is all the things you don't want to do but wind up doing anyway. Because it would cause upset to refuse to do them, or it's too late to find another person to, or because there's no good reason for you not to other than your own vague discomfort, and one thing I've learned is that it's just my lot in life now to walk around in a cloud of vague discomfort and that's apparently my fate now.

I also have more online paperwork I have to do for my mom at some point, something with one of the credit bureaus, they finally got wind of my dad's death and automatically cancelled his credit report (and sent her a letter about it, and on the outside it said something like "MAY CONTAIN DISTRESSING NEWS" and I was like "well, ain't that 2019 all over"). So I have to do that some time.

BIG NOTE TO MOST BIG COMPANIES: there are still a few people in the US who need to use your service who don't use the Internet or who can't. And so the burden you place on them of "this must be done online" becomes another person's burden, instead of you, you know, because you're a rich company, maybe PAYING someone to staff a phone line who could do it. (I mean, what do blind people do? I know screen-readers exist but I am sure they don't work well with many webpages). And while I'm happy to do it, I guess - it's just another burden, another thing.

****

I watched part of a DuckTales episode last night. My big complaint with most of the networks showing cartoons now: they assume everyone either has a DVR, or that kids today don't expect things to be on at the same time as it always is. But there are a few of us Olds out there who still like cartoons and who grew up with "Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel" in terms of the schedule of our favorite shows. (Okay: the 60s Batman was in re-runs by the time I was watching TV, but the thing holds: the idea was, back in the day, you could schedule your evenings around the programs you especially wanted to see). I often miss the show and I haven't seen most of Season 2 (I guess Lena is now an actual being rather than a shadow-being?) because of the dumb scheduling.

Anyway, in this episode, they were apparently traveling through various dream-worlds (for each of the characters), and Lena kept resisting, because she was afraid of turning into her evil Aunt Magica.

And Webby - who is desperate for Lena to be her "best friend," and I relate hard to Webby in a lot of ways - tells Lena:

"You put so much pressure on yourself to be good, but you're good enough." 

Granted, the "good" here is the "good/evil" dichotomy, and I think fundamentally I am far more towards the 'good' side of than than the 'evil' side (though no human is pure good, and I have my selfish and especially-these-days ungrateful tendencies). But there's another "good" that I struggle so hard with, that keeps me awake at night and that's living up to people's expectations, or doing enough to "help," or, I don't know. Earning my "place" in the world, I guess. Being better than "baseline not-evil 'good'" good, maybe?

That's something I've *always* struggled with - the whole "you deserve to be here no matter what" because something in my brain goes "no, you have to earn your right to be here by working" or "you have to earn people's friendship by doing stuff for them, usually thankless tasks" and I don't know where that came from but that's one of the deep and broken parts of me and something I struggle so hard with and gives me such misery. It's hard for me to relax and just "be," because my house is never clean enough or I've never read enough background for the research I'm doing or I've not prepped enough for class, or, or, or. 

And oh how I wish I had a Webby to look at me and say that - that I put so much pressure on myself to be 'good,' but that I'm good enough. 

Though then again, would I believe it if someone said it to me?

One of the things I hate about post-tenure review is that it's meant to be "developmental" - meaning, they're never allowed to merely tell us "you're fine, keep on keepin' on" but rather must find something we're not perfect at, and suggest we 'work on' that. And for anxious perfectionists who are also people-pleasers, that's Hell in a bottle right there.

How much, OH how much, I want some time to hear from someone in a position of authority that I am good enough. That what I am doing is enough. Because I can't convince myself of it. 

Then again: I don't like ASKING for it, because that looks needy to me, and I don't like to seem needy. (I go around every day with a lot of unmet emotional needs because of my fear of seeming needy - see: how I felt sad when Mike didn't hug me during greeting time at church, but I wasn't gonna go up to him after church myself.) 

(That may be part of my distaste for the whole liturgy: it is asking people for something, for forgiveness for 'things undone' and to be able to take leave of the place in peace, and I couldn't see myself EVER feeling comfortable asking that for myself.)

I also found one of those painted rocks I bought YEARS back; it has the phrase "everything happens for a reason" painted on it and I admit now I kind of wanted to throw it across the room (I didn't: was afraid of breaking stuff). Did I ever actually believe that? What an idiot. Stuff happens for no reason at all, or else what I've gone through all this fall has to be a punishment, and I think I'm happier with the idea of "random uncaring universe" than I am with "this is punishment because you need to change somehow, but we're not going to tell you what you are doing wrong or how you need to change"

Not sure what I'll do with the rock. I don't think I'm strong enough to bust it up with a sledgehammer but I might try. (Or maybe I wait until after Thanksgiving; my mom is giving me one of my dad's rock hammers to take back, just to have. That would probably bust the rock up pretty good....) 


****

Something I thought of yesterday evening that is probably not incorrect:

In normal times, I feel like I'm juggling about ten balls. And I also feel like no one sees that I'm managing to juggle *10 monkey-fighting balls,* they can only see the one I dropped, or wonder why I'm not doing 12. (Or at least that's my perception).

But now, it's like I'm still juggling 10 things, but the various griefs and difficulties I've dealt with this fall has taken one of the balls, and replaced it with a chain saw. A chain saw that is running and is intermittently on fire. And that's why the juggling I used to do....not exactly EASILY, but I guess I made it look easy....has become hard, and there are points where the curtain is pulled aside and people (like my department chair) see what a snivelling mess I am, because that burning chain saw is really hard to deal with. 

I don't know. I wish I didn't have the chain saw to juggle, too. I'd happy go back to JUST trying to juggle 10 or 12 balls...