Friday, September 27, 2019

Early Friday Things

* I've decided, come January 2020, I am commissioning someone who makes those little cuff bracelets stamped with words on them to make one that says "2019 didn't beat me!" (That's more polite than what I was originally thinking of). I *think* things are on the upswing; better things mostly happened this week and a couple problems got taken care of more simply and cheaply than I had hoped.

* I've also decided, for the nonce, as far as News of the World (which these days, tends to be indistinguishable from News of the Weird) is concerned, to go "full Hobbit" - that is, to stop caring; nothing I can do as an individual right now will affect the outcome of anything that happens, and instead, if I focus on the things I CAN control - how I interact with my students, how I interact with my colleagues, working on my own stuff - I will be happier.

Also, taking time to make good food and knit and play the piano and that kind of thing.

("If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." Even if that is from a sad point - right before Thorin dies - at least, well, at least the dwarf maybe learned something, and saw a different perspective in life. And perhaps that observation relates to why Gandalf valued Bilbo - that Bilbo was someone who understood the value of food and cheer and song and while I think Bilbo was, arguably, a wealthy Hobbit - at any rate, we don't see him working for a living - at least he seemed to care less about the accumulation of treasure (mostly) than about happiness and comfort)


* I also tend to feel like the wishing-harm-on-opponents thing is a bad flex; I do look at the stuff some people do and despair a bit, but I don't long for them to experience some horrible disease or similar misfortune. I suppose I would hope that they come to regret the things they did. (I was once told by someone more versed in theology that I am that we're called to pray for our enemies, but praying for them to have a change of heart is a perfectly acceptable prayer in that way)

* Heh. There was a little talk in one of the circles I hang out in on Twitter about "what D&D class and race do you think I'd be" and even though I have never played it, one of my friends there said "I have you figured for a Halfling druid" and he's probably right about that. Definitely about the halfling; if I were something other than human I'd probably be a Hobbit (I think "halfling" is the generic term for that?). And "druid" apparently also includes things like herbalism, and I am a botanist.

* "Miss Thang" came, I just have to get some photos and post them. The clothes don't fit her quite as well as I hoped, but I think the Build-a-Bear clothes are made for teddy bears whose limbs are arranged a little differently (more like human arms and legs) than the limbs on an animal that stands on all fours.

* Still, I might look around a bit when I'm out and about Saturday to see if there are any 18" doll clothes that are not too horribly expensive but that would fit her. I will say I like the "skating dress" that she came with and it works well. (I could also eventually knit her a little sweater, I'm sure there's a pattern out there I could customize)

* I also MUST (and probably should do this over lunch today) get a birthday card for my niece and also a gift bag so I can pack up the big stuffed clownfish and little building toy I bought for her birthday (which is a week from today). If I'm really efficient I could get it in the mail (Priority mail will get it to her in plenty of time). I find little things like that slip  my mind very easily these days. People tell me that's normal when you've had "too much" for a while, but it still annoys me. I have been using my phone to put in reminders but I don't always remember to check it.

But then Saturday I am taking a day of self-indulgence: going to the bookstore, going to Target and looking at their toy aisle, going to Ulta and JoAnn's and probably going out for lunch. (My mom sent me a check - my parents had a tradition of paying my brother and sister in law's homeowner's insurance for them, going back to when they were in a tight squeeze, and she's keeping that up, and wanted to be "fair" to me, too. The check more than covers what I had to send to the IRS so I think I will get some of it as cash and just....have a little fun and buy some nice things.)

* Because yeah. Even though I could work this weekend, I don't think I'm going to. I have to set firmer boundaries about giving myself time off because I feel better and am probably more productive at work when I am not stressed out from working 10 or 12 hour days.

And for that matter: "Feeling better" in itself is a worthy thing. I do owe my workplace getting the work I'm contracted to do done; I do not owe it to them to be done with it so fast that it makes me sick.

* And yes. Something I am being challenged by now, and realize I probably need to change, is my feeling that I need to "earn" my place in the world. Yes, I need to earn my living; the world doesn't owe me money for nothing. But as for my existence and my happiness? I don't have to earn those.

Two things I saw recently that made me think:

First, something somewhere on Tumblr that challenged a person to "Name three good qualities about yourself that are NOT ways you serve other people" and I know I tend very much to define myself in terms of what I do for other people.

And second, this Daily Devotional about "is it a religion of virtue or a religion of grace?" and in particular this idea: "A religion of virtue is mostly about our doing. It is about our efforts to get on God’s good side or to demonstrate to others that we are on God’s side. This can lead to a very busy, exhausting, life."

Yes. Yes to the exhausting part.

But also: "it isn’t first of all about our doing or achievements. It is about a love that loves us first. My life, my projects, when they make sense seem so, as a response to a love that loved me first."

And yes. That argues that "good works" are still necessary - but you do what you can to, and you don't push yourself to the point of exhaustion and not-enjoying-life, because the good works aren't what gets you saved; it's your salvation that encourages you to do good works. This does tend to be one way in which I put the cart before the horse.

And it's not just, or not even mainly, I think, about faith; I tend to take on thankless tasks or do things for other people because somewhere deep inside me there is the 11 year old eating her lunch alone in the lunchroom and going "maybe if I do all these nice things for people, they will like me then, and then I won't be eating lunch alone" but it really doesn't work like that, and friendship that comes only because of the service I do isn't really friendship at all.

(also I probably over-interpret that "to have a friend, be one first" phrase; have all my life.)


* One thing I do need to work on - and maybe this is why I keep seeing the counsellor after the grief counselling sessions have been used up - is setting those limits and being able to say "yes, this is enough for today, I don't need to work more" or "you can say no to this thing and people will still like you, and if they decide they don't like you because you said no to some thankless task, they were never your friend in the first place." One thing I NEED to work on getting comfortable with is that some people just won't like me, and there's nothing I can do to prevent that, that no amount of going into what I call "Golden Retriever Mode" or taking on thankless tasks or giving them stuff* will change that.

(*Yes, as a kid, a few of my "friends" did talk me, occasionally, into giving up a treasured toy or something else, with the pretense of "I'll be your friend if...." I guess I'm lucky I wasn't popular (at least in "that way") with boys as a young teenager because I never heard the old "I'll love you if you..." come on.)




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