Friday, at least

I have to do more piano practice and then consider setting off for running my errands: I need a couple things from Ulta, I want to do "big" grocery shopping, I will probably hit the JoAnn's or some other "fun" places...because I need a little fun and happiness right now.

I had a bad dream last night. Not too much detail of it remains in my mind, but it brought up the sudden death of my friend Steve a year and a half ago again.

Yeah, that affected me pretty deeply. Probably more deeply than I was willing to admit to myself, and perhaps more deeply than I realized.

So this morning, I was sad. And reflecting on it:

- I realize now for at least six months after that, when I didn't hear from a friend or relative within what I thought was a reasonable time frame, I worried terribly that they were dead and I wouldn't ever hear from them again.

- This led to me responding more....violently affectionately?....than is my normal style to several people who were long-distance friends. (One of them had been traveling, I hadn't known it, and when they were back again and I heard from them I was...yeah...a little more embarrassingly affectionate in what I said than maybe I should have been)

(I used to be more reserved. Maybe that's one of the things life beats out of you? That you realize it's OK to let people you love know you love them - I mean, like friends, not family members, in the US people sometimes get a little weird about a friend saying they "love" them. I never had much "chill" in that regard, but I've lost what I had).

- I realize how insecure I am in some ways. I need to know my friends and family are OK and happy. When I know that, when I have the sense that everyone I care about is doing well, I'm good. If someone I care about is hurting, I worry and hurt too. (My father being in the hospital last fall was bad. I didn't realize until afterward, after he was home, how much it affected me).

I mean, I'm still functional and everything, and in some cases I can sort of bury myself in my work (that helped when my dad was in the hospital last fall - as I've said before I TOTALLY understood when my colleague who was suddenly widowed came back to work very shortly afterward; work was somewhere where she had control, where she could do certain things and get an expected outcome. Even though some people didn't understand that, I did)

(But yeah: I should probably try to get names of grief counselors who might be....more inline with my personal beliefs and philosophy, just as a preparation, for when I have those big losses that are likely to happen in the next 10-15 years.... I suspect that would have helped me deal with Steve's death, but my groove is very much to tough things like that out on my own, and it's hard for me to go "wow, I need help here." And yeah, I do pretty much tough things out but maybe I'd be happier if I weren't merely toughing things out? I don't know)

But yeah. One thing I dislike about summer, and I don't know if it's that I sleep badly (because it's warmer and more humid and many nights I am *barely* physically comfortable with just a sheet over me, but psychologically I NEED something over me or I won't sleep) or if I sleep "shallowly" (and wake up more often, and as a result, remember dreams more), but it seems if I am going to have a bad vivid dream, it will be in the summer. A lot of times in the winter, when it's cold, I can burrito up in a blanket and I just....sleep. I don't remember my dreams (which frankly is sometimes kind of a relief).

Part of it may also be allergies: I mowed and edged the lawn last night and I could tell there was not only a lot of water in the air, but a lot of pollen. (Even my St. Augustine, as short as I try to keep it, was already flowering; I could see the little anthers). And I notice worse sleep when I've been exposed to a lot of allergens.


Anyway. Plans for today are to go and get foundation and the moisturizer I use* and maybe some kind of nice body wash and to go to the JoAnn's and just look at yarn and fabric and maybe buy a little bit and go to the bookstore and maybe the Target and maybe even go to one of the antique mall places in Denison and just take a day for myself. And then this evening, to work on one of my projects. I've been trading off the quilt, the knitted blanket, and Hey Girl, if I push tonight I can get the yoke cast on for Hey Girl and then I will have "big knitting" to do on it, instead of just the little narrow rows of the neckband.

(*And a funny thing about the moisturizer: it's a spendy Body Shop product, a vitamin-E infused thing. Whatever, it seems to be good for my skin. But the scent....I kept thinking "this smells familiar" and I realized when I was up visiting my parents that the scent of it is *almost the same* as the scent of the simple, basic, drugstore "Oil of Olay" my mom uses. Hm. They're also both pink....I really hope I'm not paying a premium for what is basically Oil of Olay in a fancier container....)