few random things

* my mom is out at a dental checkup, my dad is waiting on the arrival of the visiting nurse (to take vitals, to check up, to do the sedimentation rate thing because he takes a blood-thinner.). So again, I'm kind of stuck here.

* As far as I can determine, Amtrak is running trains again on the route I will be taking Wednesday. As you can imagine this is a huge relief - not having to do the "grab your luggage and run and hope you can score a bus seat that isn't next to someone who is chatty, or worse, handsy" at St. Louis, and then have a night of really-no-sleep as a bus bounces over the terrible Arkansas roads.

They do seem to be estimating 3 hours or more of lateness, which I assume either means the train's been re-routed to avoid flooded areas, or else it has to go extra slow through them, but I really don't care, seeing as I will be on a train and I have a roomette. I did buy an extra mystery novel the day I was out running around, and I still have one I've not started yet (and still have the ongoing "the Three Musketeers"), so I should be good. (The light isn't quite good enough to knit by but it is good enough to read by).

If it's too tremendously late (today's 21 is running some 6 hours late, which would put me in Mineola around 3 or 4), I can just get a motel room overnight and drive back early the next day. At least there's no where I particularly HAVE to be.

I'm extra grateful I had to move the various appointments I had this week; this has been a more-stressful "vacation" than I could possibly have anticipated going in to it. (I almost need a vacation once I get BACK from vacation) and not having to go to the dentist or contemplate colonoscopy prep right away is a good thing.



* Still walking. Today it was a little tougher as there was a very strong north wind and for part of the walk I was facing directly into it. I don't meet MANY people, though yesterday I met a woman walking an elderly pug (I may have met up with them before, I seem to remember them). He looked imploringly up at me and she commented, "He likes people; he's a People Dog" and so I bent down to let him sniff my hand and then I scratched his head a little. His tail - curled up on his back - moved *very slowly* back and forth in response, but like I said, he looked pretty old.

* I did get some of the photos in the album I found copied - it's easy to do, the Walgreen's near my parents has a kiosk where you can scan in snapshots and then do any modifications (like cropping) and then they have them printed for you, on good photo paper, an hour later. For about thirty-five cents a photo, so it was worth doing.

I didn't crop any of them; some of the background details (the old blue-and-white kitchen wallpaper that was designed to mimic Delft tiles!) were another reason why I wanted the photos. I'll scan a few of them and post them here once I get home. I'm amazed at what a cute child I was compared with puberty-me (adolescence kind of hit me like a truck; I've said before I had a very long awkward period). I didn't copy any of the photos of me at 13 or so, just the younger ones...

For some reason I "relate better" to photos of me when I was 10 and under. I suspect it's because that was before the really hard-core teasing and harassment started, and I was generally more secure and better able to tap into that imaginative inner life I had. (Oh, I still got teased, I remember an incident in second grade or so of a kid in the hall screaming "Hey, [r-word]!" and then them laughing and saying "She knows her name!" when I turned to see who was screaming and why.)

Yes. That kind of stuff sticks with some people. I wonder if schoolkids know that, or if they'd care if they knew it. (I do know a lot of people who bully do so out of either deep insecurity or some other lack in their life, but that makes it no better for their targets).

Another dumb schoolkid thing: I remember my mom dragging out the dictionary and looking up the definitions for "slut" (fun fact: an archaic one means "slovenly housekeeper") after kids on the bus called me it when I was like 9 and was still a year away from *even holding a boy's hand* (my first proto-boyfriend was in fourth grade and I think we held hands once, and that was IT). The conclusion was the kids were just using a word they had heard that they knew was an insult, without knowing what it really was but, yeah.

And yes. Sometimes I wish that "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" brain-damaging machine was a thing because there are about 10 specific things from my young life that I'd like to forget forever and not have crop up at random times.

*  I will say walking is good for thinking. I realized two big things while out on my various walks:

1. One of my - I hesitate to call it a real flaw, because it's only me that really suffers from it, other people actually benefit - flaws is being reliable and dependable and willing to take responsibility for a lot of things that aren't really my responsibility. It causes me a lot of grief and I do find I often get imposed upon more than I feel like maybe I should. Yes, I know, the world needs dependable people but I wish there were MORE dependable people so we could share the burden a little bit more. I'm the one who gets asked to take minutes at meetings or carry the money for deposit in the bank or things like that....and it does get tiring sometimes. (And sometimes when I depend on someone else to do something for me, they don't, and it frustrates me. I'm not good at becoming directly angry with another person - perhaps another flaw of mine, not being able to chew out someone who deserves it - so people sometimes don't know how much it bugs me.)

Actually, in real life, I am not that good at expressing my wants or even needs.

2. What I want in life, more than True Love, more than even romance? Companionship. Someone who would be there. Someone that I could comfort and who would comfort me. Someone who was not averse to walking with me (and maybe even unafraid of holding my hand while we walked some times), someone I could give a little encouragement to when he needed it and someone I could get encouragement from when I needed it. Just...not being alone.

I don't know how to get there from here. Like I said, it wouldn't have to be marriage or romantic love or any of that stuff - even just a good friend who was close by would cover it. (I don't for example, particularly feel the need for someone to share my bed). But someone to do stuff with.

(And that's another relation to 1: Sometimes I wish people I knew in town would just call me up some times and say "Hey, Erica, would you like to go out for lunch some time next week?" or "Hey, Erica, would you like to go hiking this weekend?" And I know: if you want to do those things, you should ask....but I don't know people who seem to have the free time and I am always afraid of feeling I am imposing on someone. And always being the one to ask/approach gets hard some times.

* Almost done with the first sleeve on Harvest. Not sure how far I'll get on the second one (I go home on Wednesday) but it's nice to be at least this far. (And I had to modify the sleeve - do the decreases "faster," or else it would have gotten too long for my proportionally-short arms). I also finished two pairs of socks and worked a bit on a third. I have a couple of skeins of yarn *ready* for socks and am tempted to start another pair, knowing I won't get far....one of the simpler ones I *might* be able to knit on on the train, even with the poor light, to give myself something else to do (I am just anticipating a long delay, but like I said: still better than riding a bus)