a last straw.

Not THE last straw. But one of them. The one that made me feel "done" for the day even though I am Persisting and re-doing the messed up calculations (long story, that) for the article I'm trying to write.

But I had to run to the Green Spray quickly - I wanted more grapes and I knew if I was going to make picadillo for dinner I needed sour cream.

I also bought a pint of ice cream. (some new flavor from Blue Bell - chocolate-chip-cake or somesuch).

Got in line. There was only one line open, the store was not busy. There had been an arguing couple when I walked in; now I got behind a mom, her three sons, and their argument.

Each of the sons had one of those minicarts. Fine, cool, cool, it looked like she'd distributed most of the stuff (other than the carton of eggs she was carrying) among the carts. But. Instead of efficiently getting through the checkout they were arguing. One of the boys still wanted the Icee they had apparently been promised after the shopping trip; the other two wanted candy. The mom told them if they got candy, then no Icee*. The two boys were unwilling to accept that. And they argued. And one changed his mind three times about what candy he wanted.

And they kept arguing, and I stood there...

And I admit, I thought, "Do I really NEED this ice cream or sour cream or grapes? Should I just put them back and leave?" Of course that might have taken longer than waiting would have but I felt despair descending on me.


(*When I was a child....well, it would have most likely been neither candy nor Icee, on the grounds that Icees are not that good for you and we had dried fruit or more-healthful candy at home, but whatever)

It was just a long day. Hot in my office. I discovered my research student made some kind of error I can't quite suss out in the calculations so I'm having to redo them, which sets me back a few days on this manuscript. And I'm seriously doubting now if it will even be publishable, and I never know whether to sink time and effort into something that will never come to anything, or to just plow ahead and hope.

(How you do anything is how you do everything: this is why I rarely do any designing of knitting or crochet stuff any more; I hate ripping back when something is unsuccessful and I feel like I wasted all that time)

So anyway. And I also know someone who wrote an article that came out in a sort-of- popular-press magazine, and he is going around showing everyone and....well, it's implied that "more people will ever read this than your silly research papers" (which are also more effort, I think), and....I just feel very sad and invisible and meaningless and tired. I know I should be happy for the person and on some level I am, it's just....every time they have a success we hear about it for weeks and it really is kind of a "my efforts are better than your efforts" thing, and while I diagnose this person with Insecurity.....well, it doesn't help my own sense of Insecurity to know that.

It's humid, too, and I have a low-grade headache, and all my arthritic points (the elbow I broke some 30 years ago, my bad big toe that I probably broke, my collarbone, my hip) are hurting. And that doesn't help. (Maybe I should turn the AC a bit cooler, I don't know).

But yeah. That moment in the grocery just did it to me. I mean, I know I'm supposed to sympathize with the mom, and I kind of do, it sucks having tired crabby demanding kids but....I think of my own parents and how "but we have food at home" was a common line we were told, and we learned early on not to expect treats when we went out shopping, and....I don't know. I also feel like my standing there in line was prolonged by the fact that she just didn't tell them "step back, step away from the candy counter or you're not getting *anything,* we need to get checked out" and also a mild irritation that the store didn't bother to open another checkout line. I mean, they weren't *that* busy and I had no entitlement to get checked out fast but...it would have made things a little better.

It seems very often in my life that's what happens to me, though - I wind up next to the arguing couple or family, and things move more slowly as a result of the argument.

And I don't know. I don't know if the Universe is sending me the message that "look, you feel bad because you're Alone but there are worse things than that" but some days it feels like there are exactly two options in life:

1. Be Extremely Alone And Maybe Have No Help When You Need It
2. Be Part Of A Large Family That Always Fights And Probably Isn't Very Supportive, Really

And I realize those aren't the only two choices, but some days it seems like that's all you see.

But yeah. You know how nutrition experts tell you not to shop when you're hungry? (because you buy junk food). You also shouldn't shop - or go out into public places where there are people - when you're already sad, because all of the abrasiveness of humanity will just wear on you more.