And yeah, yeah, I know, I've said, "Small input, big reaction, something else is going on in the reactor" but in the rare instances where I've exothermic-ed all over someone, I've realized it later, and gone back and apologized to them for overreacting.....but in this case it's been a year or more so I doubt there's going to be any kind of reconciliation.
Oh well.
I also realized something about myself: I think of myself as exceptionally sensitive and easily hurt (Fluttershy is not my Patronus *just* because I like pink and yellow together). But....maybe I'm not? Because in the situation described, if it happened as presented? I'd have been embarrassed (because I was in the wrong) but I wouldn't have been hurt, exactly. I probably would have apologized to the person who called me out and changed my behavior....
And I wonder: maybe all those years of being told, as a kid, by parents and teachers to, "get over your hurt feelings" finally sunk in, or something. Or I got good enough at swallowing the hurt. Or something. I don't know.
I also think my desire to be "liked" (which often translates to me being so conflict-averse that I don't stand up for myself, sometimes maybe in cases where I should) overrides my desire to express my hurt feelings. Oh, there have been times where something's happened and I've thought, "The best passive-aggressive response in the world, if I wanted to do it, would be XYZ" but then I also think, "The other person's reaction to that would make doing it totally not worth it" and so I move on.
Or as one of my Youth Group kids used to say (until we talked to him about "tone" and why maybe it wasn't a cool response): "Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it." I have spent a lot of my life building and crossing those kinds of bridges, whereas it seems some other people like burning theirs.
Whatever. I need to dive back into something somewhat work related and forget the oogy feelings the whole situation gave me. (I hate gossip)
2. I am TOTALLY going to Whitesboro Friday. I need it. And if I have time and energy, I'm stopping at the *other* yarn shop (the one in Sherman) and at the JoAnn's before hitting the grocery and heading home.
For me, craft stores (of almost any stripe, provided they cater to crafts I do) are like Tiffany's was for Holly Golightly - you feel as if nothing very bad can happen there. And if I don't exactly have the "mean reds" today*, I have something more like the....anxious mauves? Maybe? or the blah greys.
(*I vaguely remember reading some commentator who opined that was actually a very deeply coded reference to coming down off drugs, or something....I'm not sure I buy that; it seems the "mean reds" could be simple anxiety, though when I am anxious I would in no way describe it as "mean reds" or even "being afraid, but you don't know of what" - for me, being anxious is more of a jangled feeling, like there are a hundred jagged pieces of something in my stomach and lungs, and I can't quite breathe right, and I can't get my mind to shut up, and it feels like nothing is ever going to be quite RIGHT again....I don't really associate a color with it as much as I to a texture, and that texture is sharp-edged, like when you drop a piece of Corolleware on the floor and it breaks into a million pieces, and you're still finding them with your bare feet weeks later, even if you think you've swept them all up....or like that time years back when I set a hot Pyrex pie plate in the sink, and cold water dripped on it, and it exploded into about a thousand shards...)
My "symptoms" are definitely not the "symptoms of the mean reds" that this Audrey Hepburn fan writes about. I find *focused* anxiety (e.g., "I have to do a devotional Sunday") is much, much easier to deal with - I have a goal ("If I sit down and work hard on it, it will be good, and it will work out, and things will be fine") and I know when it will be "over" (and also, I admit, with the recent devotional, I hit a point where I said my own personal version of "Jesus, take the wheel" and just figured if it was meant to be good and speak to people, it would, and there was no sense me tweaking it any more).
I also tend to rarely be indecisive when there's some big issue to deal with. I look at pros and cons, I listen to my gut, I make a choice, and I try not to look back. Also my "issues" don't deal with love or financial security in the sense that Holly had to worry about them.
No, the anxiety I suffer is more....unfocused. Sometimes after it's over I can pinpoint a cause ("someone I care about was suffering, and I was worried about them, but I didn't realize that was it"). Sometimes there is no clear cause (often I think bad allergies make me nervous, and I've had a few rounds of what I swore would be PMS, but without the, um, expected end result, so I don't know)
But yeah. Walking around in a quilt shop or a yarn store or even a "general" craft shop like JoAnn's or Michael's makes me feel better, because I'm surrounded by all that possibility: things I could make, things that are soft and nice, things I could use to make my house prettier or more organized.
And I think I need the thought of that now to propel me through today and tomorrow...
****
Edited to add (so now it's either 3 or 4 afternoon thoughts....)
My Loot Crate came - this is another subscription box thing, this one from Sanrio. It's quarterly, and a bit more expensive, but it's quality stuff, so I think I'll let it renew again. This quarter's theme was "Splash" (as in: summer at the beach).
Unfortunately, the little poster got a little damp - it was raining and I guess USPS guys, unlike UPS guys, don't carry a roll of plastic bags for covering boxes.
There's a tank-top (which I will either use for pajamas, or, if I ever wear it "for real" will layer over a white tshirt because of (a) upper arm exposure and (b) the risk of, ahem, side-boob when wearing a loosely cut tank. Or, in my case, side-visible-bra, I guess.
And a set of embroidered pins, and a shiny! make-up case (that I might use to carry a small knitting project instead; it's the right size for socks). And an "IOU" for a "multi character sarong" that will ship out soon...so I have another thing to look forward to.
But my favorite thing, of course, is always the stuffies, so:
I also got a photo of Olivia. I like this outfit better than what I first had on her but I still don't think it's perfect:
I'm not in love with the lipstick color they have on her but I don't know how to repaint faces so I guess it stays. From some angles she almost looks slightly grumpy, but I think that's a trick of the light.
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