some random thoughts

* I ran out to the Mart of Wal today because I needed food but I can't deal with the heat, and there are reports of the interstate buckling in places from it and...yeah, I might WANT to go to Sherman, but I'm not gonna until it cools down.

* I wound up sleeping later than is normal for me (7:15 am). I guess I was tired? I know I woke up around 3 and it took me a while to get back to sleep. But it meant I was walking into the wal-mart around 8 and it was already getting kind of crowded and crazy - I suppose some people were shopping early in order to beat the heat, and maybe others had places they were going later today, I don't know. But I don't particularly like shopping when it's busy.

A British grocery store is planning to introduce "Austim friendly hours" where they dim the lights down a little, and don't do PA (they call it Tannoy) announcements or play music, and I think they said there would be limited use of carts? Or maybe not have restocking that hour? And have specially-trained cashiers.

And this is a fantastic idea, but I hope they don't also choose to exclude non-autistic people who are willing to abide by the "rules" of being quiet and everything....because I'm not gonna lie, I would rather shop in a store with less bright lighting and a lower level of noise and ESPECIALLY at a time when they're not restocking (wal-mart is open 24 hours and it seems often early on Saturdays is when they have all the aisles jammed with carts of boxes for the restock) and all of that.

Honestly, stores should try it: if revenue goes UP in those hours, maybe go to being like that ALL the time? Or post "Our restocking hours are...." so you knew and could avoid the place if that bugged you.

(One of the big reasons I liked the late, lamented Fresh Market in my parents' town was just this: they had lower lights - sort of drop lighting, and it was LED rather than fluorescent, and the walls were dark so you didn't have reflected light everywhere, and instead of announcements or jangly music they played quiet chamber music and I loved that. And also, they weren't open 24 hours, so I presume they did their restocking after closing, so you never had pallets blocking aisles or big empty gaps on shelves)

* At least Mart of Wal now carries the little Alexa "sweet potato puffs" (essentially like less-crunchy tater tots made of sweet potatoes) which was one of the big reasons I went to the natural foods store in Sherman. We'll see how long the local Wal-Mart offers these (they tend to carry products for a few weeks and then never restock) but at least I was able to replenish my supply for this week.

I rely on these a lot because they're relatively nutritious/healthful, they taste good, they keep well (frozen), and they're easy to fix (grease a pan, put them in, stick them in a 375 degree oven for about fifteen minutes, and there you are). 

* Also, walking out, I looked at the "claw machine." Lots of stores around here have these and I assume the store gets a cut of the money taken in. But I also realized: those claw machines are a good lesson about adulthood.

Because you might really WANT that stuffed Pinkie Pie over in the corner, but maybe the the Minion is easier to get, and you have to decide: are you going to waste a lot of time and money and maybe never get the Pinkie Pie, or are you willing to settle for the Minion?

(And also: sometimes, instead of getting even the Minion, you get stuck with the creepy clown instead).

(And also, the "good" prizes tend to be stuffed in in such a way that they're hard to grab, or they're shaped in a way that makes them easily fall out of the claw)

I dunno. I am of two minds about kids and disappointment: part of me feels like, "They will have the next 60-80 years of their life to know about disappointment, so it's nice to let them have a few years shielded from it" and yet on the other hand I feel like never tasting disappointment in your life makes you a less-functional adult (and I have dealt with my share of college students who seemed unable to cope graciously with disappointment).

I know I had my share of disappointments as a kid, ranging from "It's storming so we can't go to the pool" (which is a disappointment, but one out of anyone's control) to "you're not invited to the birthday party" to "yes, you saved your allowance for 24 weeks in order to be able to afford the Big Toy that you really wanted, but the store is now sold out of them and they won't be getting any more" (which felt like a particular insult to me; for one thing, I did things the right way (was frugal, avoided buying candy or comics or anything for an eternity), for another it was basic unfairness - I received a meager allowance and essentially never got toys other than at Christmas or on birthdays, and of COURSE the kids down the street got a big toy if they earned one A, and here I was earning them "for nothing" and so on....)

But I still wasn't prepared for the sheer volume of disappointment you sometimes have to cope with as an adult. (And not just cope with, but cope with with a smile on your face and be gracious about it...)

* With a recent KnitPicks order, I was able to use an offer to get a free ball of Alux, a new yarn they have. It's fingering weight, baby alpaca and lurex, so it has a lot of shimmer to it. It actually looks kind of retro, in a way (there used to be yarns that had a tinsel thread in them...my mom had a shawl of one, but one of their cats ate part of the shawl...)

I got the color called "Opal," a very pale blue-green, kind of that "1950s turquoise," which may heighten the "this feels like an older yarn to me" effect. 

Of course, it was just one fifty-gram ball, so you're limited in what you can do. (If I'd been thinking, maybe I'd have used it for Barbie clothes, but...) I found a fingerless mitt pattern I liked, and since they're only wrist-length, I should easily have enough.

Except. Wow, is this stuff splitty. I need to work on it in strong light so I don't split the yarn and get thin and thick stitches....I don't think I'd use it again.

* But yeah. It's already super hot. I'm not leaving the house again today except to get the mail when it comes.

I have to do my piano practice but then I think I'm just going to knit on my various projects the rest of the day.

* Edited to add: And I'm seeing posts on Twitter and various blogs about different "cons" (conventions: some are Pony themed, and there is also the "big" Comic Con in San Diego). And I have conflicted feelings about this.

Part of me feels bad I never get to go to these. They sound fun and wacky and like a good place to indulge one's pop culture interests (I think, honestly, the pony conventions that welcomed all generations of pony fans would be most amenable to me)

(I don't go partly because of logistics, partly because of sheer expense - I can't imagine the cost of a hotel room, in a big-city downtown, when they knew they had a captive audience. And I'm not fluent enough in things like Uber or even just cadging rides with people to be able to do the "go to an outlying hotel" thing. And that's on top of the airfare or whatever and the cost to get in.... I can't really justify the expense to myself)

But another part of me knows I'm too much of an introvert to be comfortable in those big of crowds and also a level of chaos where you have people running around in costumes, and often acting the part of the character they are, and also the idea that there is probably a non-zero number of dudes looking for cheap quick con hook-ups and the whole on-the-prowl thing is kind of unappealing. And that's even outside of the idea of "gatekeeping" - I know there would be at least a few people at some cons who would look at me and go, "She's OLD. Why is she even here? She shouldn't be here!" or something similar, or want to point and shame me as a "fake fan" because (a) I might only be in to 10% of the stuff at the con and (b) even of that 10%, I am not an encyclopedia on it.

As I said on Twitter: I suspect cons bring out some of the best people but also some of the worst, and I am not up for being in close proximity to "worst people" right now.

Also, going alone seems....almost kind of risky. I'm sure people do it, but between the would-be gatekeepers, the on-the-prowl dudes, the petty criminals that probably hang out places like that looking to pickpocket and all....it seems like it would be a lot safer to go with a squad who could watch out for you.

And I don't really have a squad. Oh, I have *friends,* and pretty good friends - but I recognize they all have families and other responsibilities and jobs and stuff that take precedence over *me* in their life....and so I don't count on people to be my "squad."

As much as I wish I had one.

Mostly all I've ever had has been a loose amalgamation of friends, some of whom I might only see once or twice a month.

But secretly, I wish I had a "squad." Even as I recognize that once you pass 21 or so, that's probably largely impossible, given people's conflicting life-responsibilities. And I realize that MY life responsibilities would keep me from being a good "squad member" because I couldn't drop everything in the middle of the week and, I don't know, go take someone out for a long lunch and shopping trip in the middle of the day on their birthday. (Or do something like let the air out of someone's cheating boyfriend's bike's tires.)

But even if it isn't logistically possible, I still kind of wish for it. (And I admit, when I am contemplating "what if we go Full Dystopia?" one of the things that worries me is not having a "squad." Because if everything goes to Hell and it goes back to tribalism, those of us who don't immediately have a tribe around us? We're the first ones up against the wall and the tribes will fight over our stuff after we're dead....I don't like thinking that but that's why I pray every day we DON'T go Full Dystopia.)