Sorry about all of this but it's hot and I don't feel great and I've been doing calorie-restriction (both because of the heat and because of my upcoming doctor's checkup) and it gets really old really fast eating almost exclusively fruits and vegetables but...
There are a bunch of other things I've been thinking about.
* Last week I talked about how I saw that couple fighting with each other on my street? (Well, I do see couples fight occasionally; I've seen people scream at each other in the wal-mart over money being spent or foods they don't want or whatever). And I admit my take-home from that was "probably better to be alone; "single blessedness" used to be a term used for some women who chose to devote themselves to good works rather than a partner"
But then, that evening (irony) I was watching a repeat of "Dr. Pol" and it was the one where he and his wife (Diane) had their 50th wedding anniversary, and as part of that they chose to renew their vows.
And I admit it, I sat there weeping in front of the tv. And when Diane Pol made a comment like "God must have meant for Jan to come here to Michigan [for those who don't watch the show, the doctor - Jan Pol - is originally from the Netherlands; I guess he did a student-exchange program in high school and that's how he met his wife] so we could wind up together" and I just *sobbed* and said "I wish I had that."
So yeah. Maybe it's just a time right now when I'm disinclined to be happy with my lot, I don't know.
And I'm sure they probably have disagreements and even arguments but the way the show presents it, it seems like a pretty harmonious marriage and they seem like fairly good people.....I was reminded of this because my mom sent me a clipping (she knows I like the show) from Parade magazine (which always runs "features" on well-known people when they have a new book or show or movie - the new season of this starts up this weekend) but in the short interview he makes the comment that they 'treat people the way we'd want to be treated' or somesuch and yeah....sometimes that feels like all to rare a thing in this world.
I just....sometimes I wish I had a little more support. But dating is hard. Even meeting someone is hard. (And don't suggest online dating. Just, don't). (And one of the unsettling-to-me things I learned recently? A single woman who had been a member at the church I belong to left it and started attending another, rather different church, because, and I quote "there are more single guys there." I suppose it's a matter of priority but I wouldn't go to a church that I had certain theological disagreements with - which I would with the one she had chosen - just on the off chance I might find a mate. Then again, it's entirely possible I'm Doing It Wrong and that's why I'm still single, that I haven't been willing to endure enough discomfort? I don't know. And I still need to call someone to help "spot" me on the ladder when I go to trim those branches....)
* I think I figured out my objection to some of the more activist minded sorts saying "heck no, we're not going to be civil" over whatever injustice is currently happening. And it's largely "my stuff" (to euphemize a phrase a friend used). But it's this: because I am not often around the seats of power, because I have almost no dealings with politicians of any stripe, I interpret "being not-civil" as including some degree of spillover, where you're uncivil in various ways to ordinary people.
(There may also be something about it that feels wrong to me that I can't quite put my finger on, I don't know).
But I do often feel - when I read stories about that dude who stabbed the guy over a movie theater seat (which made the Dallas radio news, and it was actually a more complex story than how they presented it - apparently the victim got into a fight with the perpetrator and that led to the stabbing*) and also people screaming at each other in the grocery or people saying bad things about others behind their backs or people leaving trash around and expecting others to pick it up....well, I feel like the social fabric is fraying and tearing, and it worries me.
It worries me that some day I will be, I don't know, at the JoAnn's, and I will wind up an injured bystander in someone's fight. Or that someone rushing to get to the parking space before I can pull into it will hit me in such a way that I do not recover from the car accident. Or that someone will come onto campus with a serious grudge, and I'll be one of the people whose face gets plastered in the photomontage about the people they offer up 'thoughts and prayers' to the families of.
And I admit, it's all I can do not to throw up my hands and become, if not 100% a hermit (I don't think I could just jettison my responsibilities at church, or my job), at least 85% of one.
(*And I admit, this is how I'm either wise or a coward, I don't know - but if some dude was sitting in my assigned seat, and I said, "Hey, you might not realize this, but that's my seat, would you please move" and they refused, I'd probably just go find someone in charge and say "hey, there's a dude in my seat, can I have a different one?" and if there weren't a different one, I might even just ask for a refund and leave)
And yeah, I recognize that this feeling of "it's people I can't stand" (to quote Linus van Pelt) is a combination of a couple of things:
- the summer heat, humidity, and high pressure, which make me low-level achy and therefore low-level dyspeptic
- the fact that MOST of the people I interact with currently on a random day are, well, randos out in public - the other people at the grocery store, the Unknown Quantities living in the rental houses down the street...and not knowing a person tends to make you less willing to dismiss/accept their bad behavior ("Oh, their bad knee is hurting them" you say about a loved one who crabs at you. Or "I know she's tired and worried about her mom's poor health" over a friend who suddenly seems unable to fulfill without complaint the responsibilities they cheerfully carried before)
And so, I develop a jaundiced view of humanity. (and pace Linus, I think he had it backwards: I love individual PEOPLE that I know and understand and I've heard their backstory. But humanity as a mass? forget it. They're rude, they're selfish, they leave messes around for others to clean up....and yes, "humanity" as a whole is made up of people, but.....It's harder to love what you do not know).
No comments:
Post a Comment