The cruelest month

Maybe it's not  just me.

But yeah. The exhaustion, the "wanting to crawl in a cave and sleep for a month" (though honestly, rather than more sleep, what I crave is a couple days COMPLETELY UNINTERRUPTED in my sewing room to work on stuff, not having to talk to anyone and (ideally) having someone fixing food for me when it's time to eat and quietly attending to the stupid things like laundry that have to be done).

This spring has been particularly bad because of all the juggling - several of our teams had truly awful schedules (GAC, why you schedule games on MONDAY AFTERNOONS?) and so I got stuck in an endless loop of people missing "because of reasons" and then having to make stuff up, and in some cases them being so exhausted they didn't make it at the original time and....just lots of people with lots of problems. Even a couple of really diligent students had life-stuff that dragged them away from concentrating on classwork.

And you know, the older I get, the longer I work here, the more I am inclined to cut people with family or work issues slack, even if that means hurting myself in some way. Because life is hard. My own life is easier than many of my students', but it's still not super easy. (Case in point: having to pick a time from several unappealing times - because crowds - to do grocery shopping because my early Saturday morning is already spoken for for the next three weeks. Though once exam week rolls around, and I get my exams done - I can troll on down to Sherman on a weekday)

But yeah. I haven't noticed a lot of "exam week stress relievers" cropping up here yet (though it's still early: we have one more week of classes to go). And I admit, I am of two minds about these.

Yes, students need to be tough. The work-world is tough. Adulthood is not fun.

But also: it's good to be able to find things to help you relax, whether that's petting puppies or watching a movie with friends or whatever. And if campus makes it easier for that to happen for students, all the better. (I could pet puppies, I suppose, but it would necessitate a drive to whatever nearby animal shelter welcomes random interactions with their adoptable dogs). I wish there were ways in my life that stress-relief was made easier (like having some really good local friends at roughly the same stage of life as me, who would call me up and go, "We're going to Roma's for dinner tonight, come if you want to" or "Hey would you be up for going on a hike next week?")

I know part of my past objections to these fall into the "sour grapes" bucket that I call Everyone Hated 1970s Kids - the perception I have (which may not be too incorrect) that Gen Xers were largely expected to fend for themselves, that bullying was seen as not that great of a problem and something kids would work out themselves on the schoolyard (oh, maybe for some forms of "boy bullying," where getting into a fight and besting your bully makes them have grudging admiration for you, but maybe that also only happens in cartoons. Girl bullying was SO different, and it can continue into adulthood unless you move away from where you grew up....)

But anyway. I don't remember there being "exam week stress relief" when I was a college (or graduate) student - we were expected to rent our own darn movies, or, I don't know, go and scream in the Arboretum on our own or something. And yeah, I might have rolled my eyes at "stress relief" as an organized activity back then (I was, most of the time, on top of things. I just remember a couple of exams I worried a lot about, and in one case that was because of a jerk instructor who treated us unfairly, so it was kind of out of my control)

But anyway. There's a new "art piece" at the University of Utah that addresses the issue of student stress at finals (for the love of God, don't read the comments, though).

(I admit, my knee-jerk reaction was: where's the one for faculty?)

I....really don't see anything wrong with providing a space where students can get away and, yes, cry, if they need to.

People are human and tears are a human response. No, I don't like someone starting to cry in my office. Part of that is that I am a reflexive cryer (if someone around me is crying, I am more prone to cry - it's kind of like some people and throwing up). Part of it is that on one or two occasions when someone was crying in my office I was distinctly suspicious that the tears were crocodilian in nature. But also, it's kind of awkward and uncomfortable and I never quite know what to say to the person. I mean, if it's a genuine case of being overwhelmed (and outside circumstances) I can suggest extensions or other things, but....

But I don't think it's necessarily good for too much emotion to be bottled up; I think the old "suck it up and be a man" attitude, where you're walking around kind of broken but are disallowed from expressing it, is a problem as well.

I guess once again this is how our culture does nuance and moderation badly - it does seem to be an all-or-nothing thing. A lot of people in my generation* seem to have been pressured to "cry on the inside" and not let people see what we're really feeling, and I think that isn't so good for a person. (I tend to be more prone to stuff down anger - because it's "not ladylike" but more because I'm afraid if I express negative feelings at someone they will stop liking me - than I am sadness, but there are also an awful lot of times when I might wanted to have cried - most often cases when I felt overwhelmed - that I forced myself not to.)

(*Or it might be more a "kids in the 1970s raised by "Silent Generation" parents thing," I don't know. My parents seem more stoic in a lot of ways than a lot of people I know and having them as a model - well, I see myself as a big overemotional mess a lot of the time when I probably really am not)

But then again, there are some people who seem to feel entitled to, if not express "appropriate" sadness or anger, to vomit bile all over everyone around them, and to do things like scream at shopclerks because the store is out of things. And that's not an appropriate way of expressing emotion either - because it's hurting another person in the process. Or to constantly demand that other people shore you up, to expect special treatment with no recognition that those around you might themselves be struggling (I think that's my problem in some cases of students seeming to want a lot of emotional support: my own reserves are often low, and if I shore them up, I don't have anything left to shore myself up. And yes, there have been a few students like that down through the years).

But letting someone go off and cry or scream or just be alone for a few minutes seems like it hurts nothing, and if it helps the person be calmer? Where's the harm?

I know there were a few times in lab this semester when I would just step out into the hall for like fifteen seconds to give myself a breather and to get away from the possible "I need help" requests in the room for a minute. (The Thursday afternoon lab in particular. For two reasons: first, I'm already exhausted as it's my longest teaching morning, and second, it's an intro lab, so there tend to be more questions or worried people)

But yeah. Snarking about people's coping mechanisms, when it doesn't actually involve hurting another person (or not getting the necessary work done; this is not a story about students tearfully coming to the profs and asking to be excused from the exam) seems kind of churlish.

But churlishness seems to be the order of the day on the Internet.

I dunno. As I said on Twitter, I am still in "freshly shed exoskeleton" mode and I feel really kind of like I'm easily hurt. And even while I recognize that, recognize that I'm in a sensitive mood right now, it doesn't make the hurt any less. (That is such a weird feeling. To know "I am feeling this way" and also perhaps knowing WHY, but not being able to - despite the knowledge - stop feeling like that.)

Probably what I need is:

1. Give my exam this morning and scram off campus
2. Eat a good lunch along with a cup of green tea (or other low-caffeine tea; as much as I love black tea I also recognize that when I'm in a sensitive mood caffeine does NOT help)
3. Grade the exams, write my Sunday school lesson, do my Duolingo, complete piano practice for the day
4. Wash my hair (maybe - or maybe I wait until tomorrow night after the field trip. I use fruity/honey scented shampoo, don't have any Mane N Tail left, and I'd rather not attract wasps)
5. Go and sew on the birb quilt. Because that feels like the one thing in the world right now that might make me feel better.