Birthday-day thoughts

Ugh. Entering my fiftieth year* on the heels of losing a friend to a sudden death (still no arrangements; still no cause given, if I ever know that. If the family chooses not to share, I'm fine with that, though).

But it does put me in a slightly darker place than some years :(

(*I am 49. But the year from 0 to 1 doesn't officially count, so this would be the start of my fiftieth year, no? I was originally thinking, "Oh yay, this is my 7-squared year so maybe it will be a lucky year" but by my math now, I think that year just ended. Or maybe I'm wrong....)

I have no real plans for today. Some years I made a "big" grocery shopping trip (to Sherman) before hand in order to be sure to have something extra-nice to fix for dinner, but this year, duties prevented that from happening. So I don't even know for sure what I'm going to fix for dinner. I have canned salmon and canned beans and frozen pierogis and eggs. I may have to make a trip to the store here in town...

I won't be having cake, that's for sure: no energy/time to make one, and no good bakeries in town, so....no cake.

I have a few gifts to open (a Twitter friend sent me a surprise, and I have the I-know-it's-new-sheets-and-a-wool-dry-mop-and-a-book-I-wanted from parents because that's what I asked for). And IF the funeral arrangements (sigh) don't take up this weekend, my plan is on Saturday to go out and buy yet more yarn and fabric, and maybe go to the bookstore and the Ulta? And maybe out for lunch? I don't know. I hope my brother and his family at least send a card. I know they're in a money crunch right now so I don't expect a present, but it would be nice to get a card.

The symbolism of the day in particular matters to me, and I am slightly sad that there's really nothing fun for me to do, or even a particularly good meal to look forward to*

(*I could get carry out but meh.)

I do kind of have some plans for the afternoon - going to go home for lunch (as I do on Tuesdays, seeing as three days a week I must eat at my desk before teaching an afternoon lab) and maybe run out to get more milk, etc. and the needs for a cake I have to bake for AAUW on Thursday (I am trying a new recipe from my good old Farm Journal Country Fair cookbook - a plain yellow cake, but with a lower-layer of marshmallows and a syrup made from frozen raspberries cooked over the top).

So I guess I get cake then, it's just not BIRTHDAY cake. (I would love a proper layer cake with frosting and roses and everything, but you don't always get what you want in this life).

I might go to the local quilt shop today, if it doesn't start pouring rain again (It's supposed to). I also have to grab soil for a lab tomorrow that I'm not sure at all will work out. (Soil invertebrates: it's not been all that warm yet and all the extreme rain of last week may have driven everything deeper into the soil, and I don't know...

I wish I had some brilliant insight on birthdays and being the age I am and something wise to tell those younger than I am. But it's all the same old boring stuff no one pays attention to anyway:

1. Treat people like you would like to be treated. (No: scratch that - treat people better than you expect to be treated.)

2. Always end conversations on a kind note because you never know if it's the last one you have with a person. (I am pretty sure the last thing I said to Steve was to wave at him and say "Have a good week." And I know I hugged him that one last time but I also know before that - and I can't remember if it was the last Sunday I saw him or the previous one - I was harassing him gently about him needing to exercise and eat more vegetables...)

3. Be a person of integrity. Do stuff you agreed to do even if you don't want to.

4. Don't gossip. Don't spread mean stories. Heck, don't even spread what you think is good news unless the people to whom the news pertains want you spreading it. (Some couples don't like to announce pregnancies "publicly" until they've passed most of the "miscarriage danger points"). Don't belittle or mock the deeply held interests of another person.

5. Sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut if you disagree with someone on something than to try to convince them to your way of thinking. Especially if it's a "wearing socks in bed" issue (i.e.: something minor and aesthetic and where another person's experience may differ from yours)

6. Exercise. And eat your vegetables. And try to get enough sleep. And drink enough water. All that dumb boring stuff your doctor suggests is good for your health. I hate vegetables, too, but I eat them, 'cos I want to stick around for a while longer and be healthy while I stick around....

Edited to add one more: 7. You don't have to like people but you do have to treat them with civility. (Or, given my Christian background, I might go so far as to say "you don't have to like people but you do have to love them" and yes those are two different things)

*sigh* Adult birthdays are a cheat. Once you pass 18 or so (21, I suppose, if you're the drinking type), birthdays stop being fun and exciting. It's really just another day and I suppose what I really need to do is just accept that pretty much EVERY holiday is really just another day and stop expecting anything special, because then I won't be disappointed.

(looks around thoughtfully, wondering if this will perhaps tempt the Universe into dumping something good into my lap today....)


And an after-class confession: part of me really just kind of wants to go back home and get back into pajamas and read Louise Penny mystery novels all afternoon, but I don't think I will. (Also I have to get soil for lab tomorrow).

I might look around in the freezer case and see if there's any kind of semi-decent cake or cheesecake, even if it means buying a whole one and cutting off and thawing out pieces periodically. I wish there was somewhere in town that sold good "small cakes" or cake-by-the-slice but again: you don't always get what you want.

And also: this is kinda where I wish Equestria was real and I lived there: Pinkie Pie would have been out on my front porch this morning, with a party cannon and cake, for me to start my birthday off right. And even though I am sometimes a little cranky as I'm heading out to work, I think I still would have hugged her and thanked her and felt a lot better. (And maybe Rarity would have insisted I come and have a spa day with her....)

Well, I got my grading done. And I grabbed the soil I needed for tomorrow's lab even though the rain and storms (And, confession: as I was out there digging in the thunder, the thought did cross my mind: "If you get hit by lightning and killed, Andy* will never forgive you"

(*Andy is our pastor. He also cared deeply about Steve and I know he was VERY upset by his sudden death....and Andy does NOT need multiple funerals to do....)

So here is today's wet-mane look.

(Eventually, I think I am just going to say "forget it" and go back to having bangs; the swoop thing isn't growing out as long as I had hoped and it's ALWAYS down in my face.)

And again, after running to Mart of Wal and the quilt shop and Pruett's:

Well, at least I know I'm not made out of sugar :(

Still not sure what I'm doing for dinner. I bought chicken thighs but am not sure I have the energy. (Before that, I considered making macaroni and cheese, and before that, popovers to go with sausage and scrambled eggs). I'd eat one of the frozen "emergency" mac and cheeses I have but (1) that seems too much like giving up, especially on my birthday, and (2) they're really not that good; they are more "I have five minutes to eat and need something containing protein."

So I don't know. I suppose if I stick the thighs (which are, thank goodness NOT boneless and skinless, thank you Pruett's) in the oven now, they'll be ready when I decide I want dinner. I can just put some poultry seasoning on them and maybe dig a bottle of barbecue sauce out to put on at table.

I couldn't find any cake that looked good so I bought a two-pack of cinnamon rolls from the Pruett's bakery; I hope they are good. Those kind of cinnamon rolls are usually either pretty good or flat awful. (I may try heating it up slightly with a little butter)

But yeah. I openly told God I was angry with Him today, not just because of Steve's loss but because of getting dumped on twice by heavy rain, only to have it let up after I got out of it. (I suppose it's possible there's a lesson there in being patient and sitting in my car for the rain to let up, I don't know.)

I've had many pastors down through the years tell me it's OK to be angry with God sometimes, though. But yeah. This has not been a happy birthday :(