Lots of memories

One thing this season does is bring up memories. Good and bad. Of late (I wrote this on 12/12), it's some memories that make me a little....not sad, exactly, but wistful. Missing how things were:

1. I pulled out my goofy Christmas hat. This is a chu'ullo style hat, but knit in red, green, white, and gold, with some more Scandi-style colorwork designs on it. First of all, I think of the colleague who, upon first seeing me in it, shook his head and chuckled and said, "Only you, Erica. Only you." And it reminds me of a time when I was a bit more carefree than I am now...

I also think about knitting on it. I know it was December 1998 (so: the hat is now 19 years old). I know that because it was my brother's wedding - my parents and I, sitting around in their hotel room in Indianapolis, waiting for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and my dad watching the Clinton impeachment proceedings on C-SPAN. And me knitting on the hat.

And how things have changed. I didn't know that in the next year I'd have a job that took me 700 miles from there, and in a few more years, my brother and sister-in-law would move to Virginia and have a kid....

2. Thinking of my parents' cats, when I see video of cats attacking tree ornaments. They never did that, exactly, but they were always around, and I miss them. Even though it's been nearly 10 years now that they've been gone. I still dream about them some times.

3. Thinking about childhood Christmases and how there was always that one toy where it was the Best Thing Ever that you got it for Christmas and you were so happy. And I cannot think of a material thing that would make me that happy again as an adult. (Maybe the secret is: reasonably lucky kids are happier than adults ever will be.)

4. Thinking about people who are gone from my life. In most cases, this is because they've died, but in some, it's that I've lost track of them. I think of how, when I was in high school, my parents would send out like 100 Christmas cards and I envisioned doing that some day. Oh, I send out cards, but actually more in a card-swap with  people I don't know that well than to people who were old roommates or former co-workers or distant relatives or the like...And I wonder how different my life would be if I had managed to stay in touch (In a lot of cases: people moving around a lot after college, in a few cases: people who are bad at writing)

5. When I had more time and energy for stuff. I think of the years I baked like eight batches of cookies for various functions at home, and I'm amazed now by that. I'm sure the beta-blocker has sapped away some of the energy I once had, and increasing demands at work has taken still more. But I miss that....