drop in confidence

Argh, why does this still happen to me? I wish I could get to the point of not giving a flying flip what people thought of me.

Part of it was something my student said to me while we were working. She is closer to my age than the age of the "traditional" college student (I don't know exactly but I think she must be in her early 40s based on what she's said). And she commented: "A lot of the traditional-aged students, they're so mean. They talk behind each other's backs, they say terrible things about some of the professors."

(I didn't ask if they said anything about me. I don't want to know; I don't need THAT in my head tormenting me. The mere idea they might be talking smack about me is enough).

She was raised, it seems, somewhat like I was: to be kind, to consider the other person's feelings, and, in the good old line from Bambi, "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

And granted, there are times when you have to be firm. Or have to say the hard things someone needs to hear - but in the long run, that IS being kind, because you are helping the person grow. (It makes me sick to my stomach when I have to do it, but I do it).

But just being mean and rude because you can? Oh, nuh-uh. I've said before I'd rather talk about what I love or what makes me happy because once in a while, when you're doing that, someone else goes, "Oh, I love that too!" and maybe you find yourself with a new friend.

(And now I'm also thinking about the Scripture passage from two Sundays ago, which I got to hear three times - once in church and then the minister read it at each place we visited. The relevant line is this - "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (Philippians 4:8). That is one of my favorite verses, along with the good old "hold fast to what is good and pay no one back evil for evil" (I Thessalonians 5:21, though I've added a bit, I think, from the previous verse) And yeah, that's true. And it's one of those things - the first time I heard it that day it did catch me a little, because that's one of the things I love and it does me good to hear it).

But anyway. That was working on my mind today. And I walked down the hall to meet my student so she could pick up the mini generator (long story, but - she was able to borrow an electric tiller to work up the soil, but we had to borrow a generator from the Grounds Crew for that - so we stowed it over the weekend in a storage building I have a key to). And I passed a few students. And they looked at me, and then giggled. 

Why? I have no idea. Maybe it wasn't me, I don't know. Yes, I know I dress a little strangely - I am the only one who regularly wears dresses or skirts, and my hair is a little different from a lot of the women professors, but honestly, I'm not SO far out of the norm (it is not like my hair is fuchsia and this wasn't even a short or tight dress - and yes, I get self conscious about that after that bad crew I had a couple years ago). 

I remember when I was a kid, my mom would say, when I complained about kids "smiling at" me, "Maybe they're just happy to see you, or they think you're pretty." No, I didn't buy that, even as a kid, because there's a difference between a happy smile and a "we're plotting against you" smile. 

And I know. I shouldn't give a flip what students think because most 18-20 year olds are ignorant (I was) and can be tactless (because they themselves are insecure: laughing at someone else is a way to banish the fear that people may be laughing at you, perhaps). 

And, in a bigger sense, my faith tells me the only being whose opinion I should care about is God's, and I trust that God loves me and anyway he knows that I try (oh, how hard I try) to do the right and good thing in my life. 

But it would be nice, I think, to either (a) never have to deal with people who seemed to think I'm strange or laughable or whatever or (b) more likely, to be able to quit CARING about it and just be me. But I still don't know how to do that.

And yeah, yeah, the people who matter seem to have a high enough opinion of me. But because I'm too good at concentrating on the one little bad thing, it's the people who seem not to that get in my head.

This is worse when I'm tired or things are otherwise not going well. Today I was tired - I wrote (well, modified from existing ones, really, by changing up the data) three take home exams and one in class exam, but I still have two more exams to write for next week...And I'm tired because I slept less than I should (was wide awake at 4 am so just got up and worked out). I think I'm going to let myself sleep in tomorrow; I can get in a short workout in the afternoon.

I dunno. This is why I tend to be a little bit of a hermit - I'm happier when I'm at home working on a quilt or even just tucked up in bed with a book, because I don't feel like I'm being judged.