In a rage

1. I have gotten PILES of spam comments these past few days (I moderate, that's why you never see them). I have temporarily gone to "registered users only (includes Open ID)" for commenting.

I'm sorry if you're not registered or whatever and want to comment. But I'm SICK AND TIRED of getting so many stupid idiots selling pills to "raise" a body part I DON'T EVEN HAVE.

This is why we can't have nice things, folks.

Part of me says "just close the comments altogether" to avoid the issue of spammers, but once in a while I get a nice comment. And another part of me says "Just end the blog, the reason no one comments is you are super boring because all you ever do is work any more" but I don't know.

I know I am upset and unhappy and am not being reasonable.

ETA: I'll change it back eventually (maybe after I return from my short break at the start of June) but I want the bots to leave for now, and it seems the only way to do that is to make commenting more difficult.

2. I didn't think ahead; the student could be here for up to 3 hours taking the exam. I should have brought knitting. It will be AFTER 4 PM when I get home. I just want to cry - I NEVER get to have any time off and this is MY OWN DAMN FAULT because I am (a) too nice of a person and (b) I was worried if I said "wait until Monday" something else would come up and it would be a giant nightmare.

(And Monday I have my research student coming in - so it's back to work).

3. Am rage-cleaning office, I have two boxes full to take to the Print Shop for recycling- IF I get out of here while they are still open today, which is questionable.

I dunno. I am not the tantrum-throwing type but I really kind of want to throw one even as I know it would not make ANYTHING better at all. (what would make things better? Having something fun and productive to do in my office or NOT being stuck here forever. Or having tomorrow off instead of graduation so I could have fun. Or Sunday afternoon not having Homebound Visiting. But I can't back out on either of those things).

I now see why so many people are NOT diligent; when you are, you don't own a single moment of your time, you are always doing for everyone else and when you block out time for yourself it gets eaten as well.

4. Office is now as clean as I can get it given my trashcan is totally full and the custodian isn't around to empty it or give me a larger one. If I weren't so crabby I'd do teaching prep but I AM crabby - crabby and tired and I feel like I've pushed myself really hard and I just feel upset that I let myself get cheated out of my afternoon off. (I did it to myself, but then again, I fear if I had told the student "Wait until Monday," something else would have happened in their life and they wouldn't have been able to come in....)

Tomorrow morning I have to do Sunday School lesson, and tomorrow afternoon is graduation and when I have to go somewhere like that at a certain time I can never relax before it and do what I want.

And this brings up shadows of when I was a kid:
- wanting to go out and play but then it raining so I could not
- having plans for my mom to take me to the library but then something comes up and she couldn't
- having my tiny allowance saved up for weeks and weeks and wanting to go buy something with it at The Attic (a little gift shop in the town where I grew up) but then something coming up so we couldn't get there. Or saving up my money for a specific thing and finding it was sold out, never to return, when I finally had the money.

I think that's why I get so upset by having to change my plans as an adult - I feel like, darnit, I got jerked around like this as a kid by circumstance, now that I'm a full-grown adult with responsibilities, I should get to call the shots once in a while.