Some random stuff

* Gah, state route 3 is a lonely stretch of road. (I took it back and forth today - 48 to 3 and then back again). I wound up having to listen to the "Chansons" channel (French Canadian pop and also francophone country - which is really kind of weird and interesting, and yes, there is French language country music apparently) because the Symphony channel was playing something I disliked (R. Strauss' "The Hero's Life," which, GOLLY is a LONG piece - I kept switching back and it was STILL on)

Sirius XM Symphony <<< Sirius XM Pops Classical for driving. But Pops Classical is no more on car radios (I guess you can still pick it up if you shell out a little extra to listen online). This irks me because I have the subscription so I can have music I like IN MY CAR. (Next car, I might get one with Pandora capability. Or whatever replaces those in the future.)

* Just sort of tired and sad. Part of this is situational, part of it is just the time it is. Driving along that lonely road, I got to thinking about what I said this morning about "fear of failure" and I realized it's really "fear of rejection" more than fear of failure - because I suspect with a couple good friends to say, "You know, it's really not so bad" or to remind me at least I tried, failure would be easier to weather, but the rejection thing - I have a hard time dealing with that. Probably because my memory of me as a 13-year-old eating her lunch alone in a dark corner of the lunchroom is a little too close to the surface for me, still. (I can visualize her, and in some moods, I admit, it makes me tear up. Being 13 was really awful in a lot of ways for me. I had something happen to me (from a peer) that would be considered borderline sexual abuse today, my at-the-time best friend dropped me and didn't want to be seen with me because she was invited to sit at the popular table, I was turned down for the gifted and talented program). Perhaps part of the reason I like so many things (cartoons, stuffed toys, Hello Kitty, Japanese miniature food) that is indicative of childhood is that somehow it allows me to pretend that it's still before my 13th year and none of that stuff ever happened. (And yet, there was bad stuff that happened earlier, it's just that 13 was the big bad year of bad stuff)

And yeah, rejection by some anonymous Internet troll shouldn't count as rejection - but still rude crude nasty comments directed at me bug me. Just like there are one or two people I know where friends/colleagues remind me, "That person just acts like a jerk to everyone, don't let it bother you," their acting like a jerk to me still bugs me."

I feel like I experienced so much rejection from about age 7 to about age 16 or 18 that I don't want to deal with it any more. And yeah, that should suggest that I'm even better at dealing with it than some people but I really am not - it's almost like, I don't know, an allergy or something, where the more exposure you get the worse your reaction to it is. 

* I also hurt. I sat for too long yesterday grading and my hip bursitis flared back up. And my neck and shoulders hurt (I think this is stress - I do not think it is in any way related to the car accident, because they were better for a while). And I stubbed my toe hard and broke the nail (my toenails are pretty fragile) and it broke off exposing some of the nail bed. Not gonna be fun wearing field boots for fieldwork tomorrow. Wasn't fun today walking around in tennis shoes. I might see if I can figure out something to wrap that toe with.

I hope I'm not developing some chronic condition where I just start hurting periodically. (Already I'm thinking about getting an order to get my thyroid function checked because of the tiredness and also my hair has been a little more dull and brittle lately, and both of those can suggest a sluggish thyroid)

* I am making time to watch Big Hero 6 this weekend. It's sat next to my tv for a month and I haven't got to it. And I need something fun and escapist like that.

Now we'll see if I actually do it. All too often I get busy and don't do stuff for myself.

*What do I do for dinner? I ate fish yesterday so I don't want fish despite having a couple cans of salmon on the shelf. And I had baked ziti for lunch so I don't want anything with the meat sauce I made the other night. Sigh. Eggs? Maybe. If I could still eat ham I'd make baked eggs with a slice of ham in it. Plain baked eggs are okay but just okay.

Rice and beans? Except "rice has arsenic." (Then again, I heard someone commenting that "Japanese and Indian people don't seem to have vastly higher rates of arsenic-related cancers, and they eat a lot of rice" so I don't know). Rice and beans is a type of comfort food for me. It's cheap food - starving student food - but I like it. ("red beans and rice didn't miss her" heh. Except I more often use pinto beans)

I guess I'm hitting a point again where the low-sodium diet is hard, I get to wanting things I can't have. I went along happily for a couple years avoiding all that stuff but now I think of pepperoni pizza or ham and eggs or just being able to eat vegetables with something other than vinegar or green herbs on them....

but at the same time, sometimes I wish there was just an easy "full nutritional meal replacement" that wasn't totally gross and didn't have artificial sweeteners (which I can't tolerate) in it, so I could just eat THAT and not have the frustration of figuring out, "What do I eat this time?" I've talked about Purina People Chow before and I still kind of think this needs to be a thing.

(Hm. I wonder if Monkey Chow would be close enough. Probably doesn't contain 100% deemed-fit-for-human-consumption stuff, but monkeys are the closest animal to us that Purina makes something for).

Yeah, it's sad that I'm even contemplating this but I'm just tired and cooking takes time and I can't do carry out food. (And I'm sick of salad)

*I need to either finish the Mabel Pines amigurumi, or just accept I'm giving up on it for now and start the pony amigurumi I'm thinking of - doing the OC librarian pegasus that I'm calling Folio. She's going to be grey, with a coral-colored mane, and violet eyes (unless I decide at the last minute that looks too terrible with the mane, in which case I will go with green)

As I've said before: I don't NEED more ponies and yet at the same time I kind of do. (I'm going to check tomorrow morning at the mart of wal in the slight hope they have the next wave of blindbags in. I need a little treat of something.)