Today was my piano teacher's annual Christmas party.

Driving home from it, I said something to myself that I almost never say, and perhaps should occasionally.

"You are made of awesome today."

See, at her party, she has her students play the Christmas/holiday pieces they've been working on for six weeks or so. I had been working on a very pretty arrangement (done by Martha Mier, I am not familiar with her but her arrangements are very nice) of "It Came upon the Midnight Clear."

Last week in lesson, playing it for her, I got nervous, thinking about performing it, and kept messing up. She reminded me that none of her adult students were ever "required" to perform, and that I could beg off - even the day of the party - if I didn't feel comfortable playing.

But I decided that I had to. I couldn't chicken out, this was a much less frightening situation than a "real" recital, and if I could start out performing at things like these, I could eventually work up to "real" performing.

So I didn't chicken out. She let me come early so I could play the piece a couple times "in the venue" (she had moved the piano - it's a small, spinet-like digital piano - out into the main area of the place where she has her music lessons. (She rents space from a woman who has a tutoring/after school program for school kids).

I messed up once or twice but finally got through it and decided that it was as good as it would be.

I think what made it easier for me this time was (a) there were far fewer students and (b) a lot of the students were much younger and played much shorter, simpler pieces.

I got up there and started to play. And I started strongly, which helps a lot - even in practicing, if I mess up early in a piece, it makes it harder for me to get back on track.

As I played, I realized, "I'm doing this! I'm really doing this! I'm not messing up, I'm actually putting in the dynamic changes and ritardandos where I need them!"

And then, about 2/3 of the way through, I realized, "Holy cats, I'm playing in front of other people." And then my hands started to shake. But I told myself, no, you CANNOT mess this up now. You CAN keep playing and you CAN play it acceptably well.

And, amazingly, I did. I think I made one tiny mistake (hit a wrong key in a chord, but it was not so "wrong" because it was a note that would be part of the chord if the full chord were being played...so as substitutions went, it wasn't very noticeable.)

My teacher told me afterward that I had done really well. And I think I did do really well. (Like any time I perform - even sometimes when I have to give a prayer and it's a very Big Serious Situation - I kind of forget what I'm doing during the process, it's like my brain goes on autopilot to keep me from freaking out. And I had practiced the devil out of this piece, so I was able to go on autopilot.)

I'm so relieved it's over. And I'm relieved I did well. I think I need to find a few more casual, low-stakes situations where I can play for someone other than my teacher so I can work more on losing my fear of performing. (It's funny; I don't really fear public speaking at all, but put me in front of an instrument and I'm terrified. I think it's because I had one or two really bad experiences back when I played clarinet as a kid.)

And now, except for teaching Sunday School tomorrow (which is already prepared) and Youth Group tomorrow night, I am pretty much DONE until after Christmas. Believe me, I am going to relish the time off.