While sorting soil (yes, still) this afternoon, I got to thinking about all the stuff I take on - things like "having" to get that tax form issue resolved (and seriously, I probably would not have slept well tonight if I had not). And something that came up the other day when my mom called me:

her: "You know the commode in the bathroom you use when you visit? It's doing the same thing that the one in our bathroom used to do, before you fixed it. [on my last visit there. It was that the flush mechanism needed replacing]. (sighs) I guess I will have to get a plumber in to look at it, or...."

Me (sighing a little) "Don't get a plumber. Just buy the parts and I'll fix it when I come up at Thanksgiving, if you can wait that long."

her: "Oh, yes, of course. No one ever uses that one except if you or your brother or sister in law is here. It can wait. Bob said I should call and ask you, but I didn't want to come right out because I know you'll be tired after travelling..."

That's very typical of my dad. And actually, I'd do the same thing myself. (He can't fix it himself, if he got down on the floor he'd probably never get back up because of his knees. And my mom probably COULD, after all, she has a Ph.D. and all, but it's been 50 years since she had to be handy, so she isn't used to it. And besides, she has bad wrists and it does take some hand strength to get the thing back in just right).

But I'm frugal in the same way my dad is frugal: I'd either fix the dang thing myself or find someone who could help me for no cost. (But then again: when it comes to buying Christmas presents, we are also alike: as frugal as we may be in other ways, the budget goes out the window when we see the "just perfect but really more than I was originally planning to spend, but it's so right for that person" gift. Which is probably not such a bad way to be frugal, after all).

But anyway: stuff like getting the tax form sorted, and fixing toilets and all, and all the stuff I take on and then gripe about and smack myself on the forehead about later on: I've concluded it's that I have this need to keep proving myself to myself. To prove myself competent again (if I'm being more pessimistic about it) or to prove my brilliance (if I am being somewhat unrealistic and letting my ego get in the way). As I've said before, I never quite learned the art of saying, "Dang, I'm good" and continuing to believe it, so I have to keep taking stuff on - even stuff that exhausts me - to prove to myself that I am.

I also tend to tell people "I don't know if I will have time to do it" or I give them an estimated time of completion LATER than what I think I can realistically do. Part of it is because I like to work in some "flex time" in case something goes wrong (I would personally rather have someone give me a "pessimistic" estimate of time rather than say, "Yeah, yeah, I can get it done tomorrow" and then have them not complete it until next week) but I also admit - and this is perhaps not a very nice personality trait - but I think it does make me look a little more "brilliant" when I say, "Yeah, I mmmmmight be able to get that done by Friday" and I get it done by Wednesday instead.

But whatever. If I could just become convinced of my own "brilliance" once and for all, perhaps I'd get better at saying "no" to stuff I would rather not, or should not have to, do.